Ten years ago my illness, or the treatments for my illness, forced my wife to leave me after twenty years. It was an ugly situation and she took our children with her. I have had no contact with any of them for the last ten years.

I am broken beyond words. I feel alone and lost to myself. I am out of breath with grief everyday, all day. Most days I simply wish my life would come to an end. A psychiatrist once asked me why I hold on to the grief? I hold onto the grief because it is all I have! I have been told to try to move on and make a new life; I cannot.

I love my ex-wife and my children. That love was never conditional. It doesn't matter if they love me or not; I love them. So, my lot in life for now is to want what I can not have. To hope for what might seem hopeless. And to love people who may not love me. So be it!

This is how I cope:

I drag myself out of bed each day at 6:00am and eat a nutritious breakfast.
I go to the gym and exercise everyday.
I go to my office and work on projects that I hope will help people.
I am writing a book with the hope of setting the record straight and if not that, as a love letter to my children.
I eat a nutritious lunch.
I work until 4:00pm
I eat dinner a nutritious dinner at 5:00pm
I read and watch some television until 9:00pm when I go to bed.
I take my medication as prescribed even though I'm not sure whether it helps me or makes things worse.
I meet with my therapist weekly.
I have breakfast with my one friend every Saturday.
I meet with my psych provider every two weeks.
I pay my bills and give what I can to charity.
I try to be nice to everyone I come in contact with.

Most days I don't want to live. I also don't want to cause my children more trauma by killing myself. So, I make this plan for my life so I don't have to think about what I am going to do. There is nothing I really want to do other than reunite with my family. But what do I have to offer them if I am not healed.

So I keep on despite my desire not to. Not having to think about what I am going to do makes it easier to function through my tears.

I hope you, and all who suffer, find peace in your life.