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Loss and Grief: How are you doing?
When my dad passed away several years ago I lost my keys 4 times in one month, I would wake up at 3 a.m. several days every week feeling startled. Sound familiar? These are reactions to grief. Grief is a very personal experience - everyone grieves differently – even in the same family because the relationship of a father is different than that of a wife or a granddaughter. Unfortunately, often we grieve alone. Sometimes we don’t want to “bother others” with our grief, and sometimes friends and family tell us that we should be over it by now. After all the person we lost was ill for a long time or was very old and “it was their time” or “they are in a better place now.” Sound familiar?
Grieving is often described as the "work of grief." It does feel like hard work doesn’t it? Grief can be difficult because of the many factors related to the loss. If the loss followed a prolonged, serious illness you undoubtedly did some “anticipatory grief work” prior to the actual death of the loved one. If the loss, however, was sudden, i.e., accident related, suicide, a result of crime, etc. the sense of grief is coupled with shock.
The relationship that you had with the loved one also affects your grief experience, i.e. was your relationship close or had it been strained? Do you feel guilt that you were not closer or do you feel guilty because you don’t feel you did enough to help while your loved one was ill?
Sometimes anger plays a part in the grief process. Did your loved one get poor medical treatment or a wrong and/or late diagnosis? Did your loved one not follow your doctor’s orders with regard to their health (diet, smoking, attention to meds or exercise)? All of these factors contribute to your experience of grief.
Also, some losses are not so evident to others. These would include a miscarriage or a stillborn. Sometimes these losses are not considered as relevant to others as the loss of a person who has lived a longer life. In the case of a miscarriage, others might not even be aware of your loss.
You may think of that person on anniversary dates (their birthday, date of their death) or you might think of them constantly. Unfortunately, sometime people say things that can multiply grief. Have you ever heard someone say, “you should be over this by now?” or “I had a similar experience and I’m OK.” Well, most likely their similar experience was not the same as yours. Thinking you should be over it might compound your grief with feelings of guilt or frustration.
Whether a recent loss, or a loss you experienced a long time ago, let’s talk about it. Whatever your experience, I'd like to hear your stories and together find a way to relocate that loved one so that we can experience peace in our lifetime.
Together let us support each other in our grief journey.
Teresa
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My husband passed away three months ago. He had been diagnosed with Stage IV lung cancer two years ago.
I am trying to take care of myself. I’m going to physical therapy for the sciatica issue. Eating healthful foods but I’ve lost 15 pounds.
Thanks for checking in with me Colleen!
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7 Reactions@mjg7- The mind and body are connected in ways I don't understand. Rest assured that you aren't going crazy! I felt all of those things and still have some of them.
I lost my husband of 45 years 9 months ago and it's as if it were yesterday in many ways. Fatigue is one of them. I still don't eat right and have had a UTI recently. It's easy for people to lovingly point out that my body is telling me to take better care, but for people in mourning " it's a whole other thing."
First off there isn't the ability to think straight, especially in the early months. There's an unconscious numbing effect that makes it very difficult to think straight, even putting two words together was difficult for me.
I'm very glad that you are taking care of your sciatica. I've had it and it's awful. I had to have an operation and I broke my back while taking care of my husband.
When you feel shaky try and at least drink some orange juice and eat some protein. That helped me.
Please see a grief counselor. It's very helpful and will help you through the process.
Merry
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6 ReactionsLost my daughter almost 4 yrs ago. She was 40 yrs old.
The grief is overwhelming, of course. Experiencing a daily exhaustion. Most of the time I eat well and exercise.
Praying and meditating on Gods love helps. Two of my friends remain supportive and I them. All other friends have gone separate ways which I understand but this adds to grief.
Have accepted that this will be a lifetime situation of always missing my daughter and grieving her passing. There are moments of joy in some days that comfort and help me accept the inevitable
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12 ReactionsSo very, very sorry for your loss. I have you in my prayers.
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4 Reactions@justurtle, you've captured this so beautifully and succinctly. The grief remains and life grows around it, to embrace it, to cushion it sometimes and at other times to open it up. I'm glad you shared here. What thought of your daughter brings a smile to your face? How are you today?
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2 ReactionsMy daughter had a beautiful smile and giving heart.
Doing okay today but weary. Waiting for a new path of service to encourage others, work, use my gifts now that I’m retired.
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4 ReactionsThank you for choosing to join the discussions on Mayo Clinic Connect to offer your service of encouraging others. It sounds like your daughter got the gift of a giving heart from her mom. That brings a smile to my face. 🙂
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3 ReactionsSo very true. Once I can get my ADD/Grief ridden brain to cooperate I'm hoping to write a story, my story, to help others who feel lost
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2 ReactionsMy husband died 2-1/2 years ago. We had been married 59 years. My grief is still overwhelming. Not a day goes by that I don't cry for him. Even as I write this I am crying. I have had grief counselling but it only helped to a degree. I am 89 years old. How much time do I have left? No one knows. In the meantime I carry on alone.
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2 ReactionsI completely understand your pain . My husband died 3 years ago, we were married 50 years and, as you, I shed tears every day.
It’s is very difficult being alone.
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3 Reactions