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Loss and Grief: How are you doing?
When my dad passed away several years ago I lost my keys 4 times in one month, I would wake up at 3 a.m. several days every week feeling startled. Sound familiar? These are reactions to grief. Grief is a very personal experience - everyone grieves differently – even in the same family because the relationship of a father is different than that of a wife or a granddaughter. Unfortunately, often we grieve alone. Sometimes we don’t want to “bother others” with our grief, and sometimes friends and family tell us that we should be over it by now. After all the person we lost was ill for a long time or was very old and “it was their time” or “they are in a better place now.” Sound familiar?
Grieving is often described as the "work of grief." It does feel like hard work doesn’t it? Grief can be difficult because of the many factors related to the loss. If the loss followed a prolonged, serious illness you undoubtedly did some “anticipatory grief work” prior to the actual death of the loved one. If the loss, however, was sudden, i.e., accident related, suicide, a result of crime, etc. the sense of grief is coupled with shock.
The relationship that you had with the loved one also affects your grief experience, i.e. was your relationship close or had it been strained? Do you feel guilt that you were not closer or do you feel guilty because you don’t feel you did enough to help while your loved one was ill?
Sometimes anger plays a part in the grief process. Did your loved one get poor medical treatment or a wrong and/or late diagnosis? Did your loved one not follow your doctor’s orders with regard to their health (diet, smoking, attention to meds or exercise)? All of these factors contribute to your experience of grief.
Also, some losses are not so evident to others. These would include a miscarriage or a stillborn. Sometimes these losses are not considered as relevant to others as the loss of a person who has lived a longer life. In the case of a miscarriage, others might not even be aware of your loss.
You may think of that person on anniversary dates (their birthday, date of their death) or you might think of them constantly. Unfortunately, sometime people say things that can multiply grief. Have you ever heard someone say, “you should be over this by now?” or “I had a similar experience and I’m OK.” Well, most likely their similar experience was not the same as yours. Thinking you should be over it might compound your grief with feelings of guilt or frustration.
Whether a recent loss, or a loss you experienced a long time ago, let’s talk about it. Whatever your experience, I'd like to hear your stories and together find a way to relocate that loved one so that we can experience peace in our lifetime.
Together let us support each other in our grief journey.
Teresa
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Good morning, Marilyn.
As I read some of your posts, Marilyn, it was my impression that you didn't want to go on without your husband. I could not find the post when you said that your husband passed away. The posts that I have read indicate that the deep pain is way too much. I can understand why you have felt such a deep loss. You were married for a very long time, starting at an early age.
I think that the reason that I mentioned holding on to your grief was not getting an impression of you wanting to go on. And you have stated this yourself. I'm not judging you and haven't meant to.
I have wanted to hold on to every little thing about my marriage. Some of that has been wondering if some of my decisions were based on what David would have thought. But I couldn't have wanted to move ahead with my life if I continued thinking this way. My counselor said to me, " he's not here anymore; it's your life and your decisions in how you live it."
Living my life and making decisions are important but difficult when I've only known to share them with someone. This is the way I have moved on, slowly but still ahead. It's also lessened the deep pain that I have felt. It doesn't mean that I have forgotten him. And no matter how much time I have left without him (I'm a lung cancer survivor), I will be doing what I want.
When I write, it is sometimes for enjoyment. I'm not in an emotionally strong position to be positive and jolly. I don't call it journaling. I call it writing. I write in a book meant for writing, on napkins, scraps of paper, and anything available. But when I write about my feelings about losing David, I address them to him on paper. This is so very hard. This is the only thing way I can loosen that tight chest pain, the headaches, and sleepless nights.
When I write, I let it all out: my anger at all sorts of things, my great love, and even new feelings. Sometimes, I write so fast that I can't read my writing the next time I look at it. But none of that matters. I feel better. And I might need to address things more than once or twice.
I hope that you can release some of your grief. No matter how old you are, you have reached out for support. I hope that sharing some ways that I deal with this pain will help you.
Merry
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4 ReactionsThank you. I appreciate your explanation as it makes things clearer in my mind. You are correct in that there are still many instances when I feel that I do not want to go on without him. We did things together that are now gone forever. We had a cruise planned which I had to cancel. We did a lot of cruising during our marriage and have been all over the world. Cruising alone does not appeal to me. However a friend, also a widow, and I have done a short cruise together. We had a good time and managed to stay friends. (Big laugh here.) Now we are going on another cruise in the summer. When you speak about what you write, those are the things I say out loud. I talk to him and basically it is in the same vein as what you write. In my case I had other problems going on of which I was not aware until I started therapy. I have a wonderful therapist. She "gets" me. I have a diagnosis of complex PTSD because of an abusive childhood. I still have the scars from that period of my life. I finally left my home to start a new life. I don't know where I found the courage and strength to do so, but it was either that or die. One of the lingering effects is that it is hard for me to meet people and socialize. With my husband by my side this was not a problem during all those years. With him gone it has surfaced again. Another point of contention that adds to my grief was that he was not dying. He fell down twice while going to the bathroom at night. I got a walker and begged and pleaded with him to use the walker to walk the few steps to the bathroom. He refused and fell again. This time he broke his femur and was dead within three months. So there is a lot of anger in the mix. At this point my feelings are jumbled and mixed. Some days are okay but most are not. I am already 89 so realistically how much time do I have? No one knows. Is it tough being alone. There are groups here but I cannot bring myself to join. I guess I will just have to take each day as it comes and see what happens.
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5 ReactionsMy situation is similar to yours, Marilyn.
We were married 50 years and my husband was also not dying-he broke his leg and was gone within three months .
Except for occasionally meeting my college friends for lunch, I find it difficult to socialize and make plans because our plans, trips, socializing were things done as a couple. Most of my life revolves around children and grandchildren, but yet I am alone and after three years it is still very difficult to accept.
I will also try the writing as Merry has suggested…..
Most of my life revolves around my children and grandchildren .
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4 ReactionsTraveling with others can certainly be a challenge! You sound like a different person, and boy, am I glad of it. You've done more than I have! I almost traveled to another state, but I never made it!
I can understand your anger! I have flashes of it. And since no marriage is perfect, there are leftover resentments too.
At 89 you are permitted to live the way you want, but do make future plans with your friend. Being alone is no fun. Do you do things with her from town?
Merry
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1 ReactionGood morning, @menkcizma. It's nice to meet you. I wish that it were easier to meet, but then it wouldn't be the same. Connect!
Shortly after David died I suddenly realized that I was in a different social group! I was no longer part of a couple but "the other woman", "single" or the "widow". I realized after my husband's funeral and I was looking around at my family and friends. Everyone was attached to someone else! I'm sure that you all know what I mean!
I have gone out several times for dinner and drinks. I love doing this. I once went to a neighborhood watering hole, but it wasn't a busy night and I sat there by myself and felt very awkward and didn't even finish my beer.
I'm certainly not ready to be someone's companion, but I do wish to hear more masculine voices or a hand on my back guiding me into a place.
I used to love the idea of crowds, but now they are only a nuisance. Being in my late 70's and my husband just 80 we had already felt that way, especially with his walker.
Ok, I'm rambling...have a nice day, ladies!
Merry
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4 ReactionsActually there are three of us who try to lunch every now and then. The third member is married but unfortunately her husband is suffering from dementia so she cannot travel. As I said we try and get together for lunch. My other friend, with whom I am going on a cruise, has a gentleman friend, and a lot of her time is spent on doing things with him. She is 10 years younger than I am. Another man in my life is definitely something I am not looking for. On the cruise my main focus will be to enjoy the week without having to do the daily chores and chatting with new people.
I am starting physical therapy on my shoulder. It will be twice a week. I just finished making the appointments. So until the end of February my life will be filled with various medical appointments.
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4 ReactionsHi Jeff, how are you doing today?
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2 ReactionsHi Colleen,
Thank you for asking.
I'm doing ok. I'm not getting much done but that's normal for me. It's very cold here in
NE Iowa. Hope you are well and warm. Jeff
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1 ReactionI lost my husband of 35 years and I’ve been surprised (and dismayed) at the physical effect grief has had on me. I knew I would be heartbroken but I’ve also had Covid and a UTI and sciatica and spells where I get weak, shaky and jumpy. I keep wondering if this is my body’s way of diverting emotional pain into physical pain.
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9 Reactions@mjg7, it sounds like your body is telling you to take care of you. How recent is your loss? Was your husband ill for a time before his passing?
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2 Reactions