I know this is long, but I think I need help. Someone please read

Posted by Manni @keltothemoon, Feb 5, 2021

Hi, so um, not exactly sure what I'm expecting from this but here we go lol. So ever since I was about 14 (I'm 18 now), I've struggled with my headspace being a mess. All over the place, I mean. From age 13 to about 15, I struggled on and off with a certain addiction I don't want to get into, and I've always been an extremely disorganized person. Well around late 14, I was trying hard to quit my addiction and even got to the point that I considered myself worthless, and tried (though I will say extremely half-heartedly) suicide. I don't know what caused it. I have a great life. Parents that love each other, and two sisters who are great. We live in the suburbs and have never been at any kind of disadvantage besides the fact that we're Black (and even then it's not like everyone is out to send us back into slavery lol). I just felt worthless. Well, I didn't go through with it and continued to struggle. I finally beat my addiction about midway through being 15 (thank God), but by 16 I noticed a pattern. I would have moments of feeling like things were gonna work out and that everything was fine, but those moments rarely lasted long and were often overshadowed by feelings of highs and lows. At around that same time, I first heard of Bipolar disorder, but immediately shrugged it off because the internet said that if I had it, I would be a lot more manic or depressed, and I didn't want to claim a mental disorder if I didn't have one. So I buried it. But the mood swings continued. Midway through being 17, those swings worsened. I would be happy for a week at a time feel like I could do anything! I was efficient in school, I had fallen in love with a girl (who is currently my girlfriend, and things are going great, thanks for asking), and I was finally doing great in football. But then like being hit by a semi-truck carrying a ton of bricks, I would be sad. Like really sad. I felt like nothing was going right and nothing could help. Those stability moments were getting shorter and shorter. Then 2020 hit. I'm not going to go into detail because I could honestly write a whole book on that. But by May, I had gone through more mood swings than I could remember. I cried more last year than I probably had the last 5 years combined. I didn't see my friends or my girlfriend (who at the time was just my crush) for about 3 months and I felt hopeless with all the death. Then, out of nowhere, I felt stable again. And then, once again out of nowhere, I felt a little bit of a high, but then George Floyd died. And then when all the division started, and I sided with the side that fought for racial equality, I saw that not everyone I once called a friend, was really a friend. Then June hit, and football started summer workouts and I was killing it in my summer class and things were going well with my crush. I felt great and on a high for a couple of weeks, and then came down to what was my longest period of feeling stable I've had in the last calendar year. Then more division and dissension occurred, and I was back down. By the time my senior football season had started (early September), I had gone back stable. School hit, and we started losing, and I started to feel anxiety about any and everything, including pressure to make things official with my crush (I'm a Christian so there's a process for us lol). But then I did it. I made things official, we started winning games, I was getting college interest, grades were good. I can go on and on about all the different swings (sorry that I have up to this point), but imma stop. Now it's Feb, and I don't know where I'm at. Sometimes I feel great and like things are amazing, but at other times I feel hopeless. Sometimes I'm irritable and rude to my family for no reason at all, and even when they're asking me why I'm so rude, I outwardly shrug it off, but inwardly wonder why I am. When I'm on a high, I can go 2 weeks straight with only 4 hours of sleep a night, but when I'm on a low (which I have been for the last 2 weeks), I can't sleep right. At all. The insomnia is INSANE and I haven't had a good sleep in a while. And now I have the ACT tomorrow and a ton of work due and I'm stressing out and feel like breaking down. I haven't had what I considered a mental breakdown since November. It was terrible and I was crying and felt like I was going insane. I need to get better because it's affecting my work and relationships, and I can come off as rude to people who don't deserve it, and that I love very much. I'm scared to talk to my parents about this cause they're very practical and will think I'm being dramatic. They'll tell me to pray and move on, WHICH BY THE WAY I'M NOT KNOCKING, BECAUSE I'M A CHRISTIAN AND TRULY BELIEVE IN GOD AND WHAT HE CAN DO AND I DO PRAY ALL THE TIME AND WILL CONTINUE TO DO (sorry for all of that just had to make sure that point got across lol). I believe that God provides peace, but I also believe that He knows that people have mental disorders and has given man the knowledge on how to help them. I haven't told anybody about this ever. Not about the mood swings, about the suicidal thoughts years ago, the breakdowns, or my suspicions. Speaking of my suspicions, I don't actually think I'm bipolar. I don't really have extreme manic episodes and I don't think my symptoms are as extreme. I think I have cyclothymia, which, believe it or not, I just found out about today. I'm concerned though, because this could turn to Bipolar according to the Mayo Clinic (I think is who said it), and could continue to cause harm to my life. I match up with most symptoms listed on about every site I could find (though my highs and lows seem to be a bit shorter than the ones I've seen talked about), and I really think I have it. Or that I'm going crazy and that I shouldn't self-diagnose.

All that to ask: what the heck am I supposed to do. I need help. I need guidance. Someone who won't shrug it off. Should I talk with my parents? My sisters? My friends? My girlfriend? A therapist? If I'm going to go see someone about this, then I'd have to talk to my parents, which I'm scared to do. Is this something that gets helped through therapy? Time? Medication? A mix of all 3? I just need answers because I'm tired of having questions. Also I'm just tired. Someone please help me. God bless.

Interested in more discussions like this? Go to the Mental Health Support Group.

@keltothemoon

First off, I had no idea that John Adams was probably bipolar, that’s an interesting fact! And to preface the rest of my response, you weren’t too direct and was amazing! Thanks for responding. I am on my parents insurance, and because our primary care is provided by our insurance they would definitely know if I went to see them. That last sentence answers the next question, as I don’t have my own primary care, as I’ve only been 18 for a short amount of time. I know for a fact that if I came to my parents with concern from a professional, they’d respond great, but I’m not sure how to do that without them knowing. I’ll check out the google hotline as well as look into free options not related to insurance, because those seem to be my only options. Thank you for responding and for just being so kind overall!

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@keltothemoon Yes, there are online therapists. This is especially true since COVID-19. As far as a primary care doctor, you should have a yearly physical. The physical is 100% paid for, as it is considered routine. You only need call the hospital system and say you'd like to establish an adult primary care doctor. Some colleges require that you get a physical and it's almost always required when you play any kind of sport. Do you think your parents would support you in getting a physical?

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@mocuishle

local community health agencies have counseling/therapy on a sliding scale, meaning $1 week if u have no insurance. being over 18 allows you to qualify and not have to share info with family if you don't want. If you will require anti depressant meds, they can give u samples. As someone who has experienced depression my whole life, and being a therapist myself, I know meds and therapy work the best together. U don't have to go forever, just awhile to get u over this episode. Praying for u...take each day one at a time

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I’m definitely going to have to look into that, because I can afford $1 a week. I just need to look at my local options and try to pick the best one.

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@erikas

@keltothemoon Yes, there are online therapists. This is especially true since COVID-19. As far as a primary care doctor, you should have a yearly physical. The physical is 100% paid for, as it is considered routine. You only need call the hospital system and say you'd like to establish an adult primary care doctor. Some colleges require that you get a physical and it's almost always required when you play any kind of sport. Do you think your parents would support you in getting a physical?

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I’m definitely going to look into online therapy really soon. And why they wouldn’t be against it, they’ll have an issue with my getting one without giving them a reason. In the fall, I plan on moving onto campus at my college and then I believe I’ll gain a lot more freedom to so stuff like this without my parents. But I don’t want to wait until fall to address this, so I’m conflicted. I’m going to give it one more day to see if anyone else replies with more advice and info, and then hopefully I’ll be able to put a plan together.

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So, I decided to tell my gf about this all. She was extremely understanding but a bit sad because she had no idea about how messed up I’ve been. It feels good to have some in person support. Idk, just wanted to update y’all that still look at this thread. God bless!

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@keltothemoon that is great news. Every step you've taken is getting you closer to help and additional support. Bravo!

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@keltothemoon

I’m definitely going to look into online therapy really soon. And why they wouldn’t be against it, they’ll have an issue with my getting one without giving them a reason. In the fall, I plan on moving onto campus at my college and then I believe I’ll gain a lot more freedom to so stuff like this without my parents. But I don’t want to wait until fall to address this, so I’m conflicted. I’m going to give it one more day to see if anyone else replies with more advice and info, and then hopefully I’ll be able to put a plan together.

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@keltothemoon Good that you told your girlfriend, and that she was so understanding. You may indeed find your parents are understanding as well. Don't be surprised if you get responses like "Why didn't you tell us? How long has this been going on? Oh, son, we are disappointed you waited until now to say something." Don't feel guilty for waiting to say something. Feel victorious that you are stepping in the right direction to address your feelings and concerns. Your parents and girlfriend sound like caring people and want what is best for you. you will have a more positive experience in upcoming college life if you get the professional support now. It may be you have been appearing to be well-adjusted, from others' view. That is called "masking", and it is a survival technique that many of us who have issues use daily.
Ginger

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@keltothemoon

So, I decided to tell my gf about this all. She was extremely understanding but a bit sad because she had no idea about how messed up I’ve been. It feels good to have some in person support. Idk, just wanted to update y’all that still look at this thread. God bless!

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Hi Manni. Just looked at our forum after a few days off..and oh my gosh I am so excited to see that you're moving forward on all this! And confiding in your girlfriend is a giant step...wow!
I have found that if I give people a chance to see what I'm going through, the most interesting thing happens. People I didn't even think would support me are surprisingly there for me. And I also have found that some folks didn't understand and were uncomfortable with my feelings. But, for me personally, it was a good thing to know who I could talk to. That, for me, was how I built my support system. We're here for ya! Blessings. Gina

REPLY
@mocuishle

local community health agencies have counseling/therapy on a sliding scale, meaning $1 week if u have no insurance. being over 18 allows you to qualify and not have to share info with family if you don't want. If you will require anti depressant meds, they can give u samples. As someone who has experienced depression my whole life, and being a therapist myself, I know meds and therapy work the best together. U don't have to go forever, just awhile to get u over this episode. Praying for u...take each day one at a time

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For a period of time I got meds from Patient Assistance programs directly from pharm companies. This might be worth checking to see if you qualify with the help of therapist or local community agency.

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@gingerw

@keltothemoon Good that you told your girlfriend, and that she was so understanding. You may indeed find your parents are understanding as well. Don't be surprised if you get responses like "Why didn't you tell us? How long has this been going on? Oh, son, we are disappointed you waited until now to say something." Don't feel guilty for waiting to say something. Feel victorious that you are stepping in the right direction to address your feelings and concerns. Your parents and girlfriend sound like caring people and want what is best for you. you will have a more positive experience in upcoming college life if you get the professional support now. It may be you have been appearing to be well-adjusted, from others' view. That is called "masking", and it is a survival technique that many of us who have issues use daily.
Ginger

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I figured something like “masking existed” because my gf had no idea. I was kind of surprised, but then I realized that I seem to be good at pretending nothing’s wrong. I feel like I’m making solid progress and am excited to get better!

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@georgette12

Hi Manni. Just looked at our forum after a few days off..and oh my gosh I am so excited to see that you're moving forward on all this! And confiding in your girlfriend is a giant step...wow!
I have found that if I give people a chance to see what I'm going through, the most interesting thing happens. People I didn't even think would support me are surprisingly there for me. And I also have found that some folks didn't understand and were uncomfortable with my feelings. But, for me personally, it was a good thing to know who I could talk to. That, for me, was how I built my support system. We're here for ya! Blessings. Gina

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I felt like it was a giant step, and it felt good to get it off my chest. I’m starting to gain trust in the people that surround me as I’ve talked to one of my friends about it, and they were extremely supportive as well. Due to past heartbreaks and stuff like that I have trust issues (like so many teens and young adults do), so these or pretty big steps for me!

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