Chronic Pain & Scheduled Intimacy Dates

Author: Rachel S. Wasson, PhD, LP, CYT

Individuals with chronic pain and symptoms have high rates of sexual dysfunction, such as decreased interest in sexual activity and decreased satisfaction with sexual life. Chronic symptoms can also significantly impair relationships and one’s sense of closeness with others, which can lead to loneliness and depressed mood.

Intimacy is defined as a deep sense of closeness, understanding, and connection with another person. Intimacy characterizes close, familiar, and usually affectionate or loving personal relationships. While this can include sexual intimacy, intimacy is much broader.

To help foster intimacy with another person, it is important to have dedicated time with them. You may try having a scheduled intimacy date that occurs at a regular frequency (e.g., weekly, biweekly).

A scheduled intimacy date is a pre-determined time for you and another person to be with each other. Scheduling this dedicated time to intentionally be together demonstrates that the relationship is a priority. Life can quickly get busy. If you wait around for an “optimal time” for you both to spontaneously be ready to have deep connection, you may be waiting for a while. In order to better connect, make sure to reduce potential distractions, such as phones and children/family. Remember that the goal is connection.

Just as you make a dinner reservation, most people do not know exactly what they will be in the mood to eat for dinner until the moment arrives. For scheduled intimacy dates, you can have a set time to be with another person, but you do not need to have a set plan or agenda for what will transpire during that time. You can wait until the time comes to see what you both are in the mood for. Intimacy building activities may include deep conversation, dancing, cooking together, kissing on mouth, kissing on body, talking about sex, showering together, gentle massage, cuddling with clothes on or off, sexual acitivities, caressing body or hair, holding hands, or listening to music together. Take your time, relax, and be playful!

If you have any concerns about your sexual health and functioning, please talk to your primary care provider. Specialty sexual health providers can be identified through the American Association of Sexuality Educators, Counselors, and Therapists (assect.org). For more information on sexual desire, the book entitled Desire by Dr. Lauren Fogel Mersey and Dr. Jennifer A. Vencill is a sex-positive, evidence-based guide for all genders, orientations, and relationship structures, offering techniques to manage differing libidos by reducing shame and providing practical exercises from certified sex therapists.