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It’s hard to know how to support someone who is grieving. We’re often afraid of saying or doing the wrong thing; too many times we don’t do anything. We talk about grief and how to support grieving people in today’s episode, “The gift-curse of fully inhabited grief.” Listen wherever you get your podcasts.
Episode summary:
Grief from an unexpected, tragic or too-early death is devastating. And all too often, loved ones don’t know how to deal with someone else’s deep, uncomfortable and “unfixable” sadness. Memoirist Amy Lin talks about the trauma and sadness of suddenly losing her husband with grief researcher and author Dr. Joanne Cacciatore. They help us understand how we can better support our grieving friends and loved ones.
We talked about:
In this episode, Dr. Millstine and her guests discuss:
- Let people share their love and grief. People feel like they have to hide their grief, which can lead to feelings of shame. But grief is a way of showing how much they love the person who’s gone.
- People don’t know how to respond to grief. They may not intend to be cruel, but many people don’t provide a space for those who are grieving to be themselves. People feel pressured to “get over” their grief. We’re so worried about functioning and productivity that we have lost a sense of community and care, Dr. Cacciatore says.
- Sit and stay with the loss. It’s always hard to not try to “fix” people. But loss is not fixable; we just need to “sit and stay” with what people in pain and grief offer us.
Questions for discussion:
- Have you had someone support you during grief? What did they do? How did it make you feel?
Share your thoughts, questions and opinions below!
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Grief is a long rocky road and some friends and family , sometimes even acquaintances can may an incredible impact and others not so much . Listening is a gift some of my friends possess and at times that’s all I needed was a listener . Sometimes I.just needed to be busy, to listen myself or just to laugh with someone , share a story and I have family and friends for that too .those who understand that there is no timeline for grief, no schedule, no rules are the most supportive for me . One of my best pieces of advice came from my own mother “don’t say no, if so,some invites you for coffee go, if it’s a walk,, go, dinner go, just go out be with people and share your life .
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4 ReactionsThe ability to deal with grief is an individual path. Thank you for sharing what has worked for you.
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1 ReactionSo true Alicia “the Rules are - there is no Rules “ and no timeline either .
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2 ReactionsIt's so true... sometimes it's hard to show up - and often it's the thing that matters.
We talked with Catherine Newman about this quite a bit in Episode #14 featuring the book We All Want Impossible Things
https://libraryguides.mayo.edu/readtalkgrowpodcast/Episode14
Grief is tricky - and not linear - and often not as we expect.
My 54-year-old husband died in a plane crash. When the sherrif's department person shows up at my door to tell me, I distinctly heard a crack in my head like the shifting of tectonic plates. It was on the evening news and people started coming to my house. The best support that night came from my sister who hugged me long and hard and then silently stayed right by my side, When I left the room to use the restroom she waited out in the hall for me. Years later I asked her how she knew that was an appropriate thing to do -- her answer was "I didn't know". In the following days so many friends would begin with "I don't know what to say" and then say some wonderful things to me. Friends would tell stories of their experiences with my husband, some quite funny and we laughed and that was most comforting. One close friend said "He's in a better place" and that made me angry.
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1 ReactionIt is a unique type of loss when you lose someone so suddenly and tragically. I'm sorry you had to live through this. What a gift to have your sister by your side in that way. Some people have amazing intuition.
We had such a powerful conversation with Amy Lin about her book Here After. I hope you were able to listen to the episode
https://libraryguides.mayo.edu/readtalkgrowpodcast/Episode50
This grief never leaves you - though I understand it is different in different moment/days/weeks.
Have you found it helpful to connect with others who have navigated traumatic loss?