Hello @vickiekersch I am sad at your story, but pleased you found the grief and loss discussion here on Mayo Connect. I am Scott and I was my wife's caregiver for the 14+ years she fought her war with brain cancer so my comments are based solely on my experiences during this time and as I continue my daily fight with grief.
There are no reasons we are given anything in life. There is no rhyme nor reason to it. As I say to our adult children all the time "there's a reason for the expression 'sh*t happens', because it simply does". My wife was only 49 when she was diagnosed. No cause, no reason.
We often said things we shouldn't have during her illness. I believe everyone does when they are either exhausted from caregiving or exhausted by the toll the pain and their own grief at dying takes its toll. Some folks apologize, many don't. If I knew why folks do and some don't I guess I'd be a gazillionaire psychiatrist with wonderful answers 🙂 During my wife's illness she felt the need to make amends with only one of her five siblings. More often than I can count she would lash out at me. Her neuro-oncologist said it was common for the person suffering to lash out at the person they felt safest with. The more I thought about that the more I came to understand the grief my wife must have been dealing with daily over the losses of so many abilities in her life and her pending death) that while she had to hold it in for many, it was the safety of our
I believe the journey though grief is personally unique to each of us who grieve a loss. It matters what we are made of, what our love was for our lost one, and of course how each of us chooses to think about the hole that is left gaping in our souls. For me, my journey improved the day I took the book someone gave me on the 'stages of grief' and tossed it into the trash. At that very moment I gave myself permission to grieve how I needed to grieve, not how someone else thought I should do it. That permission didn't lessen my grief at all, but it allowed me to actually more fully grieve.
Thanks for posting here.