Don’t pay attention to anything from Delia on this issue. Bravo for your comment that this person has things quite mixed up. I’d ignore any further posts from this person. I hope you are getting help in this forum.
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I think this reply is irresponsible and wrong. The assumptions here may be projections or imagination at play. This response, Delia, invalidates the trauma this woman is experiencing by writing off what she has said, ignoring her feelings/pain/suffering, and making up scenarios that are absurd. How do you know this man was honest when they got married? How do you know this woman believed marriage would change this “honest” man? Who are you to pretend you know anything about this woman’s intentions, reasons for marriage, or current position. Her last line indicates that her husband’s behavior came about a few years ago and thus her pain and agony should be recognized by your own standards of issues regarding choice. If you choose to respond to this post, please don’t use all caps and please reflect before you write. I understand that it is difficult to be criticized in any forum. At the same time, this forum should be supportive and should not be blaming people seeking help, support, and advice. So, all caps and response that is clearly not thought out would be a waste of your time and our time. Please rethink and please figure out a way to be supportive. I am sure everyone here would appreciate that.
People who behave as you describe your husband do not change when the behavior is long term and no treatment is available. While I respect the sanctity of marriage, it sounds like it is time for you to take care of yourself by seeking your own counselor and an attorney. You may also invest in a voice recording device (I like Olympic) to begin privately documenting your husband’s abusive behavior. You’ll want to be careful that you set up the recorder so that it does not make any sounds at all when you are using it (e.g., no beeps when the recorder is turned on/off and no sound if “play” is accidentally hit). You need a recorder that you can sync to your computer and you need to make sure that the files are password protected and hidden. The files will be large. You will also want some kind of external hard drive to back up your recordings weekly. Make sure to keep the external hard drive at a trusted friend’s house or family member. DO NOT allow your husband to know what you are doing. These files will be important to share with your lawyer and will also be useful with counseling. When you live with a person like your husband you might start doubting yourself or reality. It is very important to keep records for yourself so that you are able to know that your trauma is completely real. In addition to recording events I would also set up a private email address that only you know about and use this to keep a written journal of events. You will just write out your “journal entry” in an email that you send to yourself at the same email. These records will also be very important in helping you obtain the care and support you need to leave your husband or to have your husband removed from your home. Wishing you well. EN