had my 11 mayo appts last month so getting the physical aspect of my life in order. have more appts in the future. Lately,,I've been being bombarded with thoughts of my sister,, grief,anger at myself and just uneasy… Is it the start of menopause? Is is my thyroid problem? is it my bipolar? is it winter?.. is it the holidays coming ( remember,, I did not get to go out to visit my sister last Christmas when she died.). My medication has been upped.. I have been increased to 20 Mg of Abilify now along with others. I wake every night from 1:47 to 2:15. , Sometimes I can get back to sleep but most of the time, I just stay up as i just lay in bed thinking of things I shouldn't. So, I end up getting out of bed and staying up doing things. I"m also on Belsomra, 15 mg. It does GET me to sleep but doesn't KEEP me sleeping after I wake most of the time. I can't figure out what this 2:00 AM thing is. It did start back last spring but I didn't pay much attention to it then. I'm wondering if THIS is the physical time my sister passed. So, yes. when I wake,, my thoughts go there.
I have completed the DBT classes and they have helped curve some of my thoughts. Self harm thoughts only come briefly then go quickly. I have managed to stay sober since Aug. I don't know why on earth I chose this time to become sober. Drinking thoughts are getting stronger too but I"m still plugging along. why??? have no idea.
Thanksgiving we always shared with our friend that shot himself this summer. So I guess he is on the subconscious too.
BUT,, I seem to stay ok. I am an emotional basket case. ( probably that change in life thing coming on too on top of all this.). It is hard to separate what is triggering or going on. My Graves disease is being treated so hopefully, that will help things smooth out. I have shoulder surgery scheduled for Jan 8th. Right arm so I"ll be useless….
Just so much going on.