You've had a huge meltdown which likely took a long time to manifest itself and will more than likely take some time, step by step to mend. You will probably be a happier person as you heal because your long suffering is over, its out in the open. My mother had a breakdown like yours, but, she never pursued professional help and somehow she managed to pull through. My view is her recovery came by having oodles of loving kindness surrounding her. She also loved a whole lot. She has 50 grandchildren included in there her greats and add to that her own children, and we all kept her occupied. She herself was very witty and kind. At every occasion she gave generously without hesitation. This enabled her to maintain a measure of dignity and restore laughter during her recovery period. She juggled, and ducked and dived, robbed Peter to pay for Paul after all she had a huge field to play in, I mean all those children. She spoke of her trials often, regularly sharing gave us a lesson to learn. We all listened carefully even though at times it was done painstakingly. Eventually she was able to empty out and throw all the negatives to the wind, her past trauma's had passed. Her present care was where her mind wanted to be. The complexity of a breakdown is dynamic and hard to digest at best. She wanted a simple version of life now. One she could be content in. Her future, she didn't worry about. She remembered everyday to be grateful for what she had and tried not to mourn what she didn't have. She also believed in God. Striving after material gain could put her under compulsion so she avoided that in fact she avoided all kinds of pressure. When anxiety arose, she read, she created, painted…she rejuvenated herself someway. She was a creative soul so she'd find a way. When she broke her hip on a lip in the footpath she couldn't walk her anxiety away whilst picking flowers and branches on the way. She did need assistance with pain though. She brought Panadeine from the drug store nearly every week. She had huge varicose veins in both legs. Ouch. She had suffered more than anyone person should. I think she feared going to the doctor's because she was afraid to cry for fear she might not stop….not to mention dying from embarrassment.. Poor thing. At night she stood her legs under a cold tap for 10 minutes or so, so as to numb her legs in order to fall to sleep without the throbbing pain they caused her. She used a basin of ice, no problem for her to stick her feet in it. We all learnt from the local librarian how to use acupressure massage so we could bring relief of some sort to her. The foot was the patient. My goodness that was the bomb. It was so good that in the end we'd pay or bribe the grandchildren to do ours too. Father had Halcion for sleep back in their married years and now and then she'd indulge in one or two. But they were divorced now, after 35 years of marriage, the little blue melodies were sparse now. Mother's breakdown had much to do with fathers brutality and adultery. But something else came to her rescue, yes, it pleasantly surprised her. She discovered a thing called marijuana. She was 48 when she had her breakdown and soon her first whiff of marijuana wafted up her hungry nose. She was totally against this drug yet this one afternoon her daughter blew that smoke right next to her. She said she inhaled instant relief and so goes the story of why marijuana become her medicine. It also made her creative juices soar to a heavenly height. She died at 73, peacefully at home but to this day I'll always remember her telling me cannabis kept her sane.. it kept the stain of pain at bay. I think the moral of this story has to do with kindness and love. May you have that in abundance during your journey.