I feel the same way you do, always have. Feel I was also “born this way.” Exercise does help. Cannot always feel an immediate serotonin boost.
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I completely understand and will pray this feeling goes away for you. Your post brought up song lyrics from my memory bank of Bruce Springsteen’s “Promised Land.” “I’ve done my best to live the right way. I get up every morning and go to work each day. But your eyes go blind and your blood runs cold. Sometimes I feel so weak, I just want to explode …”
I’m involved with a second NPD and all I do is cry. My dad had NPD too. My current guy blames me for everything & now I’m starting to believe it. My self-worth and self-esteem is at an all time low. Don’t want to continue living like this. Have many medical issues plus lifelong depression. Feeling hopeless and helpless. Exhausted too. Praying I fall asleep and never wake up.
And, @ammy, you are no longer a victim and are now a survivor. Change your thoughts, change your life. Change your situation: find a support group or join a group with people of similar interests. I enjoy meetup groups that involve physical activities: hiking, cycling, walking, running, yoga, Pilates, etc. Great was to reduce stress. Also, kickboxing or the martial arts help release repressed anger and other emotions. Cancelling the wedding to your abuser was the hardest part. The rest will be a breeze and a lot of fun!