Hi everyone. For seven months now I have been searching for something and I just don’t know what it is. I had an elective surgery on Sept 7 that went horribly wrong. I’m still recovering, if that’s what this is. I live at home with TPN each night to keep me alive. My abdomen is still healing with a wound vac from my seventh surgery since my original elective one. I was septic starting on Sept 8. I don’t remember ever waking up from the first surgery. I don’t think I ever did. I don’t remember any of the rest of the month of Sept. There are bits and pieces, but I don’t even know if they are real or not. I should be dead. That’s what the Drs said. They had written me off….Left they room at one point and told my three young daughters I would not make it. They, along with the rest of my family, were in the room as they were trying to revive me. I don’t remember any of it. Thank goodness. All I remember is darkness. Nothingness. When I became aware finally, I was paralyzed still from the meds. Couldn’t walk or talk either because of the tubes in my throat. No one told me what happened so I was very confused as to where i was and why. Every organ in my body shut down, except my heart. That went into overdrive and they couldn’t even slow it down.i guess I had several reasons to live. I still have many health issues, not even close to recovery. But, I can walk and talk again and I’m just now trying to make sense of it all. I was in the hospital initially for 68 days. Then again, off and on, since then. A week here. A few days there. Still confused. Still cry all the time. I have scars all over my body. They’ll never fade. I’m still trying to make sense of it all.