Thank you all for your “likes.” It is a good feeling to be understood.
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Thank you,JK for your thoughtful response. I have one son who is very kind and caring. Unfortunately he just came back from a trip to New Orleans where apparently they were not taking the virus very seriously so it will be 14 days before I can see him but we talk daily and a close circle of friends are there for me too.
Thank you so much for your prompt and ever so thoughtful response to my posting. I am truly overwhelmed by your sensitivity and kindness.
You asked me a question that I have been asking myself recently- how do I feel now? I think I am a master of avoidance. It has been over a full year already & I have busied myself with taking care of loads of paperwork, managing issues arising in the house & property- I now have 8 acres to care for which my husband attended to- and then I felt ready to return to my community of friends at school where I am a substitute teacher and the distraction was doing the job in abetting me with my grief avoidance when a few months passed and I was in an auto accident .So now I was occupied with a fractured knee – how timely, yet another reason to avoid the real pain-,then just as I was well enough and again returned to school this insane virus takes over & now I am home bound again feeling very isolated and with plenty of time to face my feelings, no more excuses: an amalgam of guilt, regrets, loneliness ( we did everything together), anger (I did not tend as I should have to friends whom I lost track of). So there you have it. So finally circumstances have finally forced me to deal with unresolved feelings. I am committed to start working thru these feelings & yes as fate would have it a friend introduced me to someone who is local and with whom I feel I can open up to. So I will begin a new journey. And I again thank you for your kind offers and suggestions for follow up.
I felt a rush of gratitude & blessings reading all your comments- how brave each of you are. I had a good cry after going thru each posting a 2nd time. Thank you all- I feel like I have found a place where I can feel safe & not ashamed of the tremendous ambivalence I experienced after having my husband instantly falling at my feet and going frozen – all I could do was watch as the life left his eyes. I did not go to cradle his head or tell him I loved him. I just watched him die.
Wed, Mar 18 5:33am · Visual Escapes and Daily Inspirations: Share Yours in COVID-19
Thank you for your kind words. Our animals are very special are they not? So intuitive and sensitive- we have much we can learn from them.
Stay safe & healthy.
Rosemarya urged me to share my story. I lost my husband in ‘19 from an aneurysm that took him swiftly as he fell instantly to his death at my feet. When I came home without him his 14yr. old coon hound knew immediately something was not right. For days he would go to his station at the piano now forlorn where he had previously proudly howled as he accompanied my husband who could play by ear; now it was clear he demanded I fill in for his lost partner. So at 75 I decided it was time to learn to play- I was terrified. I sadly have a tin ear. I am still working at it but for now he is back to his old self as he wildly howls as I plunk thru “You Are My Sweetheart, My Only Sweetheart.” I think my intention was to pacify him but I cannot begin to tell you the pleasure his “singing” generates in me- not to mention
the warmth I experience as my husband smiles down upon us.