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Mon, Sep 4 12:09pm · Talking Frankly about Living with Advanced Cancer in Cancer

I am sorry to hear of your loss Scott. You sound so strong and centered, someone gave me a plaque “we are as strong as we need to be”. using that logic I am a champion weight lifter ! lol I have a sister that set up a meeting with one other sister and we had a fun weekend but during that weekend she said “this could be the last time we are all together” which was true but I didn’t know when we said goodbye that it was GOOD-BYE . I only hear from her once since that weekend (3yrs ago) and that was about a month after my daughter died and she told me “I should be over it by now”.
As we know you never get over it.

Why are people that way? I don’t know……but I suspect fear. Fear they will say the wrong thing. they get scared when they get so close to death so they back away. and then there is the fact many of us (me) build a shell around ourselves and we appear fine, strong even So there is no need for them to offer comfort
and last They don’t want to remind us of our loved one !!! WHAT???? We will never forget…I think of her first thing when I get up and still I will turn on her phone to hear her voice….I don’t want to forget.

My biggest fear is what will happen to the people I leave behind . I try to find peace thru God
I also have Fantastic friends I can talk to about most things.
I tell myself to get over it !! I am not that important….. life will go on …LOL
hope to see more of your posts !
Thank You for the support !!!!!!!!

Mon, Sep 4 4:54am · Talking Frankly about Living with Advanced Cancer in Cancer

Yes the guilt I have that. The one time I tried to express how guilty I felt being alive my friend just slammed me down, thought that was nonsense. But it does seem that some people do expect me to be dead already, so I feel guilty I am disappointing them ????? No it is not that bad but as others die I do feel why not me? sometimes more survivors guilt than others. I made a friend at CTCA and we were sisters almost ! I loved that girl. We made Christmas treats together in our hotel (until I was rushed to the hospital) but after we went home we would talk on the phone constantly until her cousin called to tell me she had died she tried to call me before they put her on the respirator. I still feel guilt about her death I am already supposed to be dead ( several times ) but God always pulls me back and that leaves me with another question…. Why? what is his plan for me that I am still here when so many I have cared for are gone.
I am not yet 60 and I have buried both parents (15-20yrs. ago) two brothers and a sister and friends and the worst blow of all ,from which I will never heal, my daughter. I would give my life anyday to have her back.

it is 4 am I should try to lay down for a while again.

a quick funny….has anyone else had this happen? I was going into the grocery store when I bumped into an old friend I hadn’t seen in a year or so……….the look on her face …priceless…..she even started saying the words “you’re supposed to be dead” but caughgt herself part way thru !!!!!! I just laughed and said I must look worse than I thought LOL

Mon, Sep 4 3:35am · Talking Frankly about Living with Advanced Cancer in Cancer

Thanks for the invite to this board Colleen. I have been feeling depressed lately (which is not usual)and talking may be just what I need.
Has anyone else experienced when you have a friend who has a relative dying from cancer and would I please talk to them. I am always more than willing to help but frightened at the same time. What if I say the wrong thing ? people comment all the time that I seem to have it all together and I have such a great attitude, sometimes that is true the rest of the time it is the mask ( and I KNOW you know what I am talking about). It is a lot of responsibility. It is also difficult because it stirs up all those feelings I keep at bay. These conversations are always different but always filled with tears and laughter and longing and God.
But if anyone else has had to do this , how do you feel afterwards? How do you deal with your own feelings?

I have so much more to say but that is another topic.
I have my scans this week and see my oncologist (always nerve wracking)
I see my gyn doc “watching” a problem
I see my pulminologist next week and from my breathing I feel the news will not be good

P.S. this is the 2nd person from this family I will have had the “death/Life” talk with
a reminder we need to thankful for our blessings

Sun, Aug 6 4:19pm · Anyone out there with Thymoma/Thymic Carcinoma in Cancer

Yes I will. I have two days of appointments first week of Sept. and see my pulmanologist Sept. 27th.

Sun, Aug 6 3:13pm · Chronic Pain, alternative Treatment in Chronic Pain

I am sorry about your back pain. Pain from any source is dibilatating. it can wear a person down. I am glad you found relief. I am going to check into Kratom

Sun, Aug 6 3:07pm · Fatigue in Mental Health

Doing something…anything… makes me feel better because on top of the pain, fatigue and depression I feel guilt.
My husband has helped out so much , on top of all his own projects ( he does woodwork on the side) I feel guilty when I am just sitting there watching TV. The biggest thing I do is keeping the kitchen clean and my laundry ( I don’t trust him lol )
But just like you I feel so much better if I have gotten out and about.
I take an anti-depressant and when I feel I need it an anti-anxiety RX and they have definitely helped me.
But seeing friends or doing something I enjoy (gardening etc.) helps the most
I would just say continue being as active as you can also if you take any RX see if they have a side-effect of depression or makes you drowsy.

Sat, Aug 5 5:14pm · Chronic Pain, alternative Treatment in Chronic Pain

can I ask a question? Did your Dr. progress you to 80 mg. or start you at 80 ? When I said I had less pain that is exactly what I meant, I still have significant pain( I also have lidocaine patches 5%) it is just to a level I can function so my Dr. see no need to increase and I am only on 30mg. and she talks like it is a LOT so I don’t complain about the pain I still have. I do on occasion have a good day and do not take all doses but I also have horrible days. I have been made to feel like I am an abuser when I suggest an increase. On the flip side I do not want to sleep my days away. I am on my 3rd occurrence of cancer and am not sure what my future holds. I would wish for that perfect drug that makes the pain go away and I can still enjoy my days !!! I have 5 grandsons LOL

Sat, Aug 5 4:51pm · Fatigue in Mental Health

I think that is info they get when doing arterial blood sample