You Look Good

Better than hearing, "My God, you look like crap! Did the cancer reach your face?"

This is so common. People don’t realize how even very serious prostate cancer can show no outward signs. I’ve had it for 15 years and the only thing people notice is I occasionally get hot flashes.

Yes, they mean well and in society where "looks" are one of the most important things I would not expect people not judging appearance and assessing the extent of a disease. It is very shallow thing to do, of course, but it is what it is. Also, most people are not acquainted with cancer and it's forms and effects and they mostly see people with cancer in movies and soaps represented as very emaciated and that is how majority of cancer patients look like while going through chemo and radiation. Patients with PC are lucky that they have so many treatments available that are not so taxing on body and that they can stay active and "look good". Other people see PC patient jogging and looking good and think "oh, that is great sign" and want to share feeling of hope and giving encouragement.

Regarding "seeing only cancer" - that is inevitable. Cancer is scary word and scary condition and not even we who deal with it can ignore it , how can people around us ? Of course they know that you are much more than that, but "THAT" is what is determining factor for survival and there is nothing more important in human mind than that. Try not to take it personally and take it as compliment and encouragement since it is nothing more nor less than just that. 👍😊

Exactly why we are very selective in who we tell about our situation. Others mean well but see you completely differently when the C word comes up. Not to mention I have two sisters-in-law who specialize in gossip.

Stew80, this makes me laugh.
I don't get those comments because I didn't tell anyone about my cancer.
But I'm not flattered by "You look good, for your age."
They are telling you that they care about you and that they remember this detail about your health.
I translate everything all the time to protect myself.
I've determined that no one can say the right thing about cancer or death.
What would you say to an friend, years, and years later, about their cancer.
I'd say nothing.

"I translate everything all the time to protect myself". This is great advice! We all have to get through the day, the hour, the minute and having the right mental attitude is a big part of it.

One of the reasons that I decided to not tell my elderly mother is "The Scan" that you mentioned. She does this to me routinely and she makes comments about my physical appearance constantly and mentions anything irregular (to her) as a major concern about my health. Her current obsession is that she can not accept the fact that my PCP has never sent me to a Dermatologist for a full body exam for Skin Cancer etc. My PCP has done a quick body scan of my back/chest arms etc for Moles etc. but nothing is there that would warrant a full Dermatology scan. I get comments about my weight etc. and I don't even want to think about the comments I would get if she knew I had PC. I never told anyone at work about my PC. Because I don't want my coworkers to think of only my PC when dealing with me. I'm not suffering in silence I just don't want this to be an issue for negative comments, rumors or whispers in the hallways etc.

I think of the comment "you look good / great / etc." is a reflexive response when people feel that they need to say something, even when I am sure that I looked like death warmed over. I don't take it as an insult or a complement, just space filling talk.

I only tell people they "look good" if they actually look good to me. I've also been very very selective about who I've told about my PC diagnosis. If anyone says that to me, they're either bullshitting me in the socially correct way or they think I look good or their eyesight is failing!

At first I wanted to wait until I knew how serious the cancer was to protect people who care deeply about me. Later, I realized that I simply could bear the fuss. One of the patients at the cancer center would go out back and hide (from her family) behind some large rocks after her treatments.
Then there were the group counseling sessions where no one complained about the cancer treatments or the doctors, but complained the things family and friends would say to them and try to make them do.
People really do want to help. Eat this, drink that, watch this, read that, sleep now, exercise now, eat now. And worse. They feel helpless; words make them feel better. Deep down there is the fear they may be next.
Can you imagine what you would want some one to say? I can't.