Tribute to my Mom

My mom has been my champion all my life. I’m her oldest child. My sister is 20 months younger than me. My brothers are 5 ½ and 10 years younger than me. Mom depended on Ruth and I to help her manage the house and boys. She always made me her right-hand man.

My mom tells stories about me as a toddler. She describes me as precocious, independent and wiry, constant motion. I remember feeling special.

Once I started school that feeling of being special faded. I had a very difficult time reading and spelling. I was singled out with the other non readers, who were boys. My third-grade teacher made me feel so inadequate and in front of the class nearly everyday. But that teacher also recognized that I was still able to learn and grasp concepts even though my reading and spelling skills were low. It was this teacher who requested I have serious of educational and IQ test to identify what was going on in my head.

According to my mom I was highly intelligent. When I read my eyes would skip across the page like a speed reader. Much later we identified this as dyslexia. She told me I could do anything I wanted even learn to read because I was intelligent. I had years and decades of feeling stupid and embarrassed about my reading and spelling. Through it all my mom kept the faith that I could do anything.

Back in the seventies girls were groomed to be wives, mothers, secretaries and bookkeepers. I was sent to a college prep high school, because it was a Lutheran School and my parents want their kids to be educated in a Christian environment. That turned out be one of the best things for me. I didn’t like going to that school. My neighbor friends all went to the public schools and I wanted to be with them. But it was because my high school focused more on college than the trades I just assumed I would go to college.

I didn’t get a lot of support from the school counselor. She really didn’t think I could succeed in college, but my mom did. One night during my senior year after being really disappointed with my boyfriend I told my mom I was going away to college and she jumped on that. By the end of the week she had the college application sitting on the kitchen table waiting for me to fill out.

The first year of college was both exciting and lonely. I missed my family and my boyfriend. I was drinking on the weekends which made the homesickness worse. I’d call home crying asking to come home and my mom was able to calm me and she kept me going.

Four years is a long time when you’re in your late teens and early twenties. I met Mel my junior year and we got married my senior year. It was my mom who kept us afloat financially. She’d send money, by tires, she even help pay for my portion of the wedding expenses.

Mel and I were married 9 years. The marriage had a crash ending and I was left with the debt and alone. My mom was the one who found a great lawyer who negotiated with creditors to reduce my debt. She never once made me feel like she was judging me. She just guided and helped when she could. I’m sure she was doing the same for my siblings.

I remarried and learned that the infertility I experienced was because of me. It’s really hard to explain how difficult it is to want something so much and you can’t make it happen. My mom was with me through all that. She and my dad even let Tim and I live with them for 10 months so we could save money to buy a house and adopt a baby.

I’m the oldest sibling and the last one to become a parent. I think my mom’s joy over me becoming a mom was only rivaled by my own joy.

For years things went well for Tim, Zoe and I. I thought we were a great team. Then it all changed. Zoe was diagnosed with ADHD and autism. Tim didn’t agree with any of that. He fought me with everything I was trying to do for Zoe. I just wanted the best outcome for her. Having my own neuro disorder I know that Zoe could overcome her deficits like I did. She is also very intelligent in spite of her disability. I wanted to be the mom for Zoe that my mom was for me. Eventually I decided our best chances to get Zoe to be independent was to separate from Tim so she could get the help she needed without the constant fighting between Tim and I.

I chose the exact wrong time to leave. 2008/09. During the great recession. My awesome job ended and I had nowhere to go, So 8 financial advisors all of us working for the same company and all of us out of work formed an independent financial service group and we supported each other while we rebuilt our incomes. It took years!

It was my mom who was there to be my back stopper. She funneled helped to me again by helping to buy tires when the ones I had were bald. She’d showed up with pretty new clothing for Zoe to go with all the used clothing I was getting for her. My mom made sure I could be a good parent for Zoe.

I don’t give up easily. I built a great business. With Tim’s help we got Zoe through college with minimal debt. I’m finally an empty nester and Mel is back in my life. I felt like I did it. I lived the American dream. I pulled myself up by my bootstraps with the help of my mom.

Then 2 years ago things began to fall apart for me once again. It started with finding out I had been living with an undiagnosed autoimmune disease. I was finally feeling like I had that under control and I was resigned to having to deal with that. Then nearly exactly 2 years later I have cancer. My mom is now 87 years old. She’s taking care of my dad on a full-time basis. Her child the one she’s invested so much into has cancer. What kind of thanks is that?

My sister has stepped into my mom’s roll for me. I feel so bad about that. For the past 2 years Ruth has shoulder so much as I am devastated by my health and I’ve been in constant recovery mode. This isn’t how I expected life to be.

I worry about Zoe. She’s an only. I’ve been her back stopper. A month after my cancer diagnosis Zoe was laid off work. Tim and I are keeping Zoe afloat financially. She is so worn out by job rejection. My home is her safe space. She comes here to recharge. She is only 26. If this cancer takes me sooner than later who will she turn to for support. Her dad drives her nuts. He's a Debbie downer according to Zoe. All I ever wanted to do was to be a great parent. All I ever wanted to be for Zoe was to be the mom my mom is to me.

Yesterday I posted a very upbeat message. Today I feel defeated again. I know it’s because this cancer I have doesn’t have a good prognosis. I try to tell myself I’m different and my doctor tries to tell me the same but it’s really difficult to stay in a good place mentally.

I love rollercoasters. Just not in real life.