Seeking Advice for Supporting My Husband with Autism

Hello everyone,

I’m reaching out because I need some support and advice regarding my husband, who was recently diagnosed with Autism Spectrum Disorder. Along with this, he also has Major Depressive Disorder, PTSD, and ADHD. We’re doing our best to navigate these challenges as a family, but it’s been tough, and I’m hoping to get some guidance from those who might understand what we're going through.

One of our biggest struggles is communication. My husband often doesn’t seem to hear me even when he’s looking right at me. This leads to a lot of frustration on both sides. I often feel like he thinks I’m criticizing him when I’m just trying to talk, and his facial expressions sometimes seem dismissive, which makes me feel unimportant and unheard. For example, he’s asked me to wake him up when I leave, but when I try, he often reacts with anger. Just this morning, when I tried to wake him up to let him know we were leaving, he screamed “WHAT” at me on the third try. This kind of reaction makes me hesitant to wake him up in the future.

I handle most of the household chores, which is exhausting. When I bring up concerns, he often perceives them as complaints or criticism, even though I try to communicate kindly. This imbalance adds to my stress and frustration. He also gets very angry when things are “sprung” on him or when there’s a change in plans. He prefers a consistent schedule and routine, but life’s unpredictability often triggers significant stress and anger.

Another issue is around meals. I feel uncomfortable cooking certain meals, like pork chops, because he has made them several times, and I worry about not meeting his expectations. His reactions sometimes make me feel like I can’t live up to his standards. This all ties into how our interactions and communication serve as a model for my son, who has level 2 autism. It’s crucial that we demonstrate respectful and supportive communication, but our struggles often make this challenging.

So far, we’ve only tried outpatient therapy, which has been somewhat helpful, but we need more comprehensive support. I’m looking for recommendations for additional treatment options, such as partial hospitalization programs (PHP), day treatment, or intensive outpatient programs (IOP). I’d love to hear about any programs or therapies that have been particularly helpful for others in similar situations.

I’m also seeking advice on several fronts:

Strategies for Improving Communication: Tips on how we can communicate more effectively and reduce misunderstandings and feelings of being dismissed.
Managing Morning Routines: Advice on how to handle wake-up routines to avoid anger and stress.
Balancing Household Responsibilities: Suggestions on how to encourage and motivate my husband to participate more in household tasks.
Coping with Routine Changes: Methods to help him handle changes in routine and manage his emotional reactions.
Improving Cooking and Meal Experiences: Ideas on how to make cooking and meal times less stressful and more enjoyable for both of us.
Strengthening Parenting Dynamics: Strategies to model healthy communication and interaction for my son’s benefit.
Thank you so much for your support and any resources or advice you can provide. I’m eager to learn from your experiences and find the best ways to support my husband and improve our family dynamics.

Best regards,
HopefulHealer86