Seeking Advice for Supporting My Husband with Autism

Posted by hopefulhealer86 @hopefulhealer86, Jul 27, 2024

Hello everyone,

I’m reaching out because I need some support and advice regarding my husband, who was recently diagnosed with Autism Spectrum Disorder. Along with this, he also has Major Depressive Disorder, PTSD, and ADHD. We’re doing our best to navigate these challenges as a family, but it’s been tough, and I’m hoping to get some guidance from those who might understand what we're going through.

One of our biggest struggles is communication. My husband often doesn’t seem to hear me even when he’s looking right at me. This leads to a lot of frustration on both sides. I often feel like he thinks I’m criticizing him when I’m just trying to talk, and his facial expressions sometimes seem dismissive, which makes me feel unimportant and unheard. For example, he’s asked me to wake him up when I leave, but when I try, he often reacts with anger. Just this morning, when I tried to wake him up to let him know we were leaving, he screamed “WHAT” at me on the third try. This kind of reaction makes me hesitant to wake him up in the future.

I handle most of the household chores, which is exhausting. When I bring up concerns, he often perceives them as complaints or criticism, even though I try to communicate kindly. This imbalance adds to my stress and frustration. He also gets very angry when things are “sprung” on him or when there’s a change in plans. He prefers a consistent schedule and routine, but life’s unpredictability often triggers significant stress and anger.

Another issue is around meals. I feel uncomfortable cooking certain meals, like pork chops, because he has made them several times, and I worry about not meeting his expectations. His reactions sometimes make me feel like I can’t live up to his standards. This all ties into how our interactions and communication serve as a model for my son, who has level 2 autism. It’s crucial that we demonstrate respectful and supportive communication, but our struggles often make this challenging.

So far, we’ve only tried outpatient therapy, which has been somewhat helpful, but we need more comprehensive support. I’m looking for recommendations for additional treatment options, such as partial hospitalization programs (PHP), day treatment, or intensive outpatient programs (IOP). I’d love to hear about any programs or therapies that have been particularly helpful for others in similar situations.

I’m also seeking advice on several fronts:

Strategies for Improving Communication: Tips on how we can communicate more effectively and reduce misunderstandings and feelings of being dismissed.
Managing Morning Routines: Advice on how to handle wake-up routines to avoid anger and stress.
Balancing Household Responsibilities: Suggestions on how to encourage and motivate my husband to participate more in household tasks.
Coping with Routine Changes: Methods to help him handle changes in routine and manage his emotional reactions.
Improving Cooking and Meal Experiences: Ideas on how to make cooking and meal times less stressful and more enjoyable for both of us.
Strengthening Parenting Dynamics: Strategies to model healthy communication and interaction for my son’s benefit.
Thank you so much for your support and any resources or advice you can provide. I’m eager to learn from your experiences and find the best ways to support my husband and improve our family dynamics.

Best regards,
HopefulHealer86

Interested in more discussions like this? Go to the Autism (ASD) Support Group.

Ginger, Volunteer Mentor | @gingerw | Jul 28, 2024

@hopefulhealer86 Welcome to Mayo Clinic Connect. It sounds like you are in a rocky and frustrating place.

Does your husband work with specialists who help him with the PTSD, ADHD and MDD? Can you speak to them on how to deal with a caregiver support group available to you? Same with the autism. Is it Aspergers Syndrome?

I am putting a link here for NAMI National Alliance on Mental Illness, and their page on autism. You may find it educational and a source for you to find a support group near you, when you look at their website. It does mention about autism and connected depression. https://www.nami.org/about-mental-illness/common-with-mental-illness/autism/

I won't say it is an easy life for you! Learning to understand and live with the symptoms of your husband's diagnosed conditions and how they manifest themselves may go a long way in how you can respond to them. Remember, it isn't you he might be acting to, it is his condition. How long ago did these conditions get diagnosed, and in what order? Was there a triggering factor to get them looked into?
Ginger

musicfox | @musicfox | Apr 30 5:25pm

As a person with autism I find that writing things out helps a lot. when I give instructions to people I put it in writing. I also prefer people to put it in writing if they're giving me instructions. I have Asperger's syndrome and PTSD and add. A very helpful therapy for me was EMDR if you can find a professional that does this.

ginnycake | @ginnycake | May 1 8:17pm

Hi…
I understand your frustration and pain. I’d really like to recommend a YouTube channel called Auticate with Chris and Debbie. For you to watch and of course, if your husband wants to watch it on his own so we can process it at his own speed. It might be helpful. This guy found out he had autism at 41. My husband found out he had autism at 71. We also see a Neurodiverse therapist Called Eva Mendes out of Boston… if you look up her name you’ll find she has a blog and she also has written a couple of books that are helpful because the communication issues between a Neurotypical and a NeuroDiverse person make both sides feel very frustrated. I hope some of this helps. 🤗🤗🤗

yagst275 | @yagst275 | May 16 11:37pm

It is hard. I had similar experience. I have constantly to remind myself that sudden change of plans will cause anger outburst, and talking to his back is not effective, as he will not be able to process that speech- all the communication must be done face to face. I would get to TACA Hope And Help for Autism, as it has a wealth of resources for biomedical treatment of symptoms. I would also check the house for mold, as mycotoxins might cause problems with frequent tantrums. Mycotoxins might also cause depression, memory loss, etc. I would do ERMI testing for mold. It is very hard to persuade an adult to get treatment, but maybe use a pretext of him complaining about his symptoms to get him to functional medicine doctor. Anti inflammatory diet ( gluten free, diary free ) might help. Is he extremely angry during full moons? It might be that he needs extra B6, magnesium, zinc during that time.

yagst275 | @yagst275 | May 17 9:51am

I would also try MNRI therapy for your child, and then for your husband, as he might not resist it as much as biomedical treatments. It will decrease autoimmune problems that trigger anger outbursts, so self regulation will be better.

ndntlove | @ndntlove | Jun 20 12:45am

Hi @hopefulhealer86. Is he working with a therapist that specializes in ASD and neurodivergence? Some of this is also executive functioning. On the flip side, I've found Empowerher NT Circle (empoweredNTCircle.com) to be a wonderful supportive community for us neurotypical partners in neurodiverse relationships.

kristibradybunch | @kristibradybunch | Jun 21 9:34am

Hi there, I’m sorry you’re going through this. I am autistic, my partner is as well. We found “Divergent Conversations” podcast very helpful, and I recently purchased Dr. Megan Neuff’s new workbook on burnout. It’s helped me identify my triggers and what was overwhelming me so I could manage my nervous system better. It takes time, but it’s on me to do the work. It took a lot of rupture in our home for that to happen, but we’re working our way through the repair. I also went through the Divergent Insights website to find a neurodivergent coach that I can work with, and we’re also working with a neurodivergent couples therapist.

dodiai70 | @dodiai70 | Jun 21 1:41pm

My six year old granddaughter is non verbal ASD.
I read several research studies on the impact of full spectrum CBD oil on autism. The cannabinoid is one of many in the cannabis sativa plant.

I sent a bottle of full spectrum CBD to them and $100 dollars to get more.
She responded positively. Fewer tantrums, more positive interaction with her baby brother, more patience with uncontrollables.

Not isolate CBD nor broad spectrum CBD.

“Full Spectrum CBD.”
It has CBD, CBG, CBN, CBC and a very small percentage of THC.
Together, the entourage effect!
Meaning they work better together!
Calmness, more focused,

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