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Relationships: How do you form and maintain them when ill?
How does a sick person form, and maintain, healthy and sustainable relationships with others, platonic and non-platonic?
The human existence baffles me. I enjoy observing and studying it. It brings up a lot of questions.
Being introverted, and having been raised by a parent that had a pathological level of introversion, I have settled into a “fly on the wall” kind of existence. This frees you up to pay attention to what and who is around you. It makes me ask so many questions, most of them being “why” or “how” questions.
I understand that we are social beings, we are built that way. I also understand that our social interactions can have negative or positive effects or both.
I have seen compassion fatigue, I have seen burnout, and I have seen resentment come from a place where love and care formerly was.
So how does a sick person form and sustain healthy relationships? Healthy for both parties. Where do we draw the line between accepting care and love from someone dear to your, and taking or asking too much from a person?
I am drained and exhausted by all this, and I have had a lifetime of experience with this, what will it do to a person new to it? Will it not crush the person? How do I know that 2 or 5 years from now, this person won’t look at me and think that I robbed them of their youth? Is it fair to ask any of this of a person? The hospital visits, the in-hospital stays, the up and down over medication, insurance etc, the pain, the insomnia, the cancelled dates and activities, the not being able to get out of bed, the needing help with cleaning and cooking and errands. It seems more like a “you love me, and now you must pay for my care” situation, with the payment being in many forms (financial, time, energy, etc). How do you do that? Offload ‘too much’ on a person in the name of love? How do you exist in a dynamic in which you are the sun and therefore life must revolve around you? How do you take care of the other person? What can you offer or give in place of all that you are taking and all that you cannot do? Aren’t relationships supposed to be two-way streets?
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The best thing I know about relationships is that communication is key. And by that I mean take time, sit down, really listen, really express, and at the end check in that both people heard each other. Yes, this is formal, but I've found it really works. My husband & I do a check in once a week. My daughter and I work together, and things can get pretty transactional--money, schedules, PR--so we always have a short personal check-in at the start of each work session.
And even in an intense care taking situation, both people should get to talk and listen. I've found that even when someone is aphasic they can still often communicate in different ways. No one can ever tell what will happen years down the line--marriages end, friendships change, children can grow away. Since all we have is the present tense of a relationship I like to focus on 1. communication and 2. enjoyment of the other person (this can be really simple--a shared cup of coffee and listening to a few favorite songs...looking at a photo album...telling a small story...etc. I've been disabled my entire adult life, was caretaker for my first husband, and now, if I'm realistic, am moving into a time when I'll need caretaking. Caretakers, I think, need appreciation, respect, and should be included in decisions. Same for those being taken care of! You ask interesting and important questions--and I hope your investigation of answers is fruitful and helpful.
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7 ReactionsJust want to impart this...
"If you cannnot fall in love, you cannot get enlightened"
by: CHOYAM TRUNGPA RINPOCHE
From a book I own called "Love Haiku" by Patricia Donegan with Yoshie Ishibashi
These are Japanese Poems of Yearning, Pasiion and Rremembrance. A book for contemplation.
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2 ReactionsAs @mir123 suggests, communication is paramount. Whether someone is "well" or "sick", relationships can be a challenge. Engaging with one or more people can work out just fine, but remember that we as humans are constantly changing/evolving. A situation that seems right today may not be right in a month's time, and vice versa. All parties need to feel heard, cared for, and willing to work on the relationship, to keep it healthy. It's not always easy, nor is there a manual for how to do it!
Ginger
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4 ReactionsI love Patricia Donegan's writing. Heard her read years ago in Berkeley.
Thank you so much.
I have read and reread your response so many times because it is full of gems. I have also copied it so I can summarise it and have a snap of that on my desktop.
Communicate (really communicate), enjoy each other in the present, involve each other in decisions, show appreciation and respect to caretakers and those receiving the care.
I think part of my concern is that the person gets so absorbed in the role of being a caretaker and that that can eclipse or drown out the person being a partner.
How are you approaching the issue of needing caretaking? I tell myself I am fiercely independent, but if I am being honest, I need some degree of caretaking, and that does not sit well with me.
Thank you.
The falling in love is not particularly the problem, the problem is staying in love and that love not becoming toxic for any party involved.
I will look for the book. I am looking forward to reading it, hopefully sooner rather than later.
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1 ReactionThank you Ginger,
This is helpful. And yes, even healthy people struggle with relationships, being sick just adds extra dimensions.
Maybe the lack of willingness to really communicate and keep working on the relationship is a foundational problem. I have seen that a lot. Sometimes only one party is willing to do the work. Other times, people decide that if it is meant to be, it will work out. What ever works out on its own without input and being nurtured?
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2 ReactionsI have seen the temporality in myself. Some things worked so well for me a few months ago, and now they are just not for me. There are other things I have sworn off in the past, then boom, I end up needing one of those things. Life and change are an education.
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2 ReactionsWhen it comes to relationships, it’s important to both give and take. I have been very ill with leukemia and did a lot of taking at that time. My focus was on survival and it was hard for me to be a giver during that time. But I still tried to give to others when I could. Now that I am mostly well, I make sure to be there both physically and emotionally for the people in my life.
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3 ReactionsThis book has been in my library for many years but you may be able to find it on line...or in one of the larger book retailers.
The Orientals look at life and love differently and their ideals are interesting to me being a white caucasion female. Glad you enjoyed that one excerpt.
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