Loved one in denial won't get help

I had a lump in my chest and ignored it for 4 months, thinking it would go away. One day while driving home, I felt discomfort in my chest, where the lump was. As a man, I did not know who to tell as I was scared. I told the one person that would be objective, a Mayo cousin. We texted as I was too nervous to call. Next day, I saw my PCP, she suggested getting a biopsy, and I was positive for cancer. I was 47. This process of learning took more than 1 month, I understand your wife’s reluctance. Its a personal and emotional choice but let her make the decision when she is ready.

I was interviewed for a cancer podcast in May 2025. Asked how I processed the diagnosis, managed my emotions and cultural bias. Feel free to share with your wife. My Mayo oncology team and family have heard it.
https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/the-cancer-caregiver/id1504166813

Thanks for reaching out and sharing your story. It is helpful to talk to others. I have no idea how long this has been there, or if there are others or if it's even cancer. I think that's what the hardest. She seems to be in the denial and anger phases of grief simultaneously.
I hope you are doing well.

@caringfamilymembers when this was my friend just a year ago, I explained how the vast majority of breast cancers (being the worst case scenario) are now treated with lumpectomy and maybe some AI or radiation. Unlike the more aggressive treatments of the past, where we got aggressive surgeries, chemotherapy, then radiation and endocrine therapy, women frequently just have a lumpectomy or an excisional biopsy, and nothing else.
I would also stress that finding cancers early is the key to still being around for kids and grandkids, and that the reason you are asking is because you love her and want her to be around.
Does she have a primary care or gynecologist she trusts? How about a friend or family member in health care that might be able to hear her fears?

thanks for the kind words and concern. if there was anything close to an easy button I would have pushed it. the last time she went to a doctor was when our 16 year old was born. She had a terrible tooth ache a few years ago and it was torture getting her there.
I brought up the doctor on Jan 2, she is still mad at me and it's the 7th.

I had a golf ball-sized lump in my breast, too. I think I was a little younger, and I was hesitant to go to the doctor. I falsely thought it couldn’t be cancer because it stung. Turns out it was a fluid-filled cyst, and once it was aspirated, I felt fine. It wasn’t cancer, but I was told it could have been, and after that I was more vigilant. I did get cancer 30 years later (caught very early), but it wasn’t related to that cyst. I hope my story might help convince her to go to the doctor.

Thank you for sharing that.
Her lump is rock hard, but it could be (and I hope is) a fluid filled cyst.
I can't have any kind of conversation at all with her about this. She avoids riding in a car with me (without our daughters). She is still "mad" at me. I assume she is mad because I brought up the doctor on 2 Jan. I don't honestly know if that's even it.

I am starting counseling next week. I need help dealing with this.
We has so many reasons to be happy and thankful. She is miserable. Frowning, not caring about anything and sleeping more and more. Every once in a while she will smile or enjoy something and it just melts my heart. She used to be like that the majority of the time.

I'm sorry if I'm in the wrong place. I feel like I need help with depression (her and me a little) more than cancer.

@caringfamilymembers Has your wife shared with her friends or family?

Mayo suggested I use a therapist with recovery. The side effects I experience make me want to quit. I self-care, work full time and anyone listening, has a hard time understanding why I cannot overcome easily. Its 100% emotional, I only speak with few people, men and women, that get it. I have menopause effects daily, most men do not understand. I have to find strength to overcome in silence.

All you can do is, make sure she knows she has resources, people she can contact in private. Having experienced male breast cancer, I have much more appreciation for how it impacts women and emotions. Especially versus other cancers such as lung, prostate, colon, etc.

If she mentioned it to anyone it would have been her sister. She is closest to her sister. I seriously doubt she has mentioned it to her.
I could mention it to her sister, but I think that would be bad; violate trust etc. I am hoping to get some counseling next week to come up with an intervention plan.
We have 17 and 15 year old daughters that are oblivious to the cancer scare. They just think mom is cranky and likely chalk it up to menopause if they even consider it. I am certainly in the "most men don't understand' category about menopause effects.
I really appreciate you sharing and helping.

I have always had a lot of lumps that came and went in my breast, especially as I approached 30 and beyond. Most of them would grow pretty large and almost felt like overfilled balloons that I could move around within my breast. They would eventually shrink back down, so I just got used to that happening over and over. Eventually I noticed one that was a little different, while the usual ones were in the outer, fatty part of my breasts, this one was under the areola. It was very small about the size of a pea and very solid and I could not move it around. I still just figured it was just another lump that would come and go but maybe this one was a fibrous type instead of the usual fluid filled cyst. Fast forward 5+ years and it had grown to about the size of marble and my nipple was becoming inverted, I was having discharge and the area was very itchy and inflamed. I still didn't go to a doctor because I had no insurance, I had no money to see a doctor for tests and a diagnoses, let alone treatment if it was something. Eventually I started to feel ill all the time and started having very bad pain, especially in my back. An ER visit for severe back pain led to nothing, just steroids and muscle relaxers. A week later I fell and broke my spine, they were about to send me home again not even knowing my spine was broken. After an argument with my family and the night nurse fighting with the doctor to do more tests, they did a CT scan and found the break which happened from brittle bones because of being full of metastasized breast cancer.

I don't want to scare you more but as someone who has put off having lumps looked at, I wanted to share some of the reasons why I didn't. I know doctors always treat you like garbage and blame you when it turns out to be something but I had so many times that it was nothing. Yes this last time it had differences but I just thought with my age changing, that the lumps could just be changing as well. I also couldn't afford to go and even if I had caught it early, instead of stage four, I wouldn't have been able to afford the treatment. I only can have my treatment because of being diagnosed with stage four, as pathetic as that statement is, it's the truth.

I hope that you will figure out a way to have her go to the doctor. It's better to be safe and have it checked out, if you can convince her to do so. Especially still having younger children and as others have mentioned, the treatments have changed so much now. There are more options now for sure.

That is an amazing story. I am glad you are still around to tell it.
Wow. Thank you so much for sharing.