Life after prostate cancer

@stilllearningamr, you may be interested in these related discussions:

- Sex after Prostatectomy - I'm the wife
https://connect.mayoclinic.org/discussion/sex-after-prostatectomy-im-the-wife/

- Erections post radical prostatectomy: What to expect?
https://connect.mayoclinic.org/discussion/erections-post-radical-prostatectomy/

Your question is a good one "how to make closeness pleasurable but not penis-focused?" Do you find that intimacy or any overatures that you make to initiate intimacy only serve to remind your partner of what he no longer can do like he once did? Are you able to talk openly about the desire for intimacy that doesn't need to include penetration?

Thank you. Of course I will love my wife forever. We plan to spend our after life together. That said its been 4 1/2 yrs now since my surgery. No indication of the cancer. My wife has been sick and on hospice. But I think about life going forward. I have not had another sexual partner so the future is unclear to me. I am not much help to your question. Is this a heterosexual relationship? Thank you for the information on the pump. seems complicated.

For tuckerp and grandpun my prayers go out to you. That you still love your wife and yearn for her warms my heart. Reading that you are still 'interested' after your surgery and want to do something about it is very encouraging. I don't think it is ever too late to go back to the doctor and ask questions you didn't think to ask.
I joined this chat because I am dating someone who had prostate cancer surgery 2-1/2 years ago and hasn't had the opportunity for intimacy since then. He is only 62. He is becoming frustrated by what he can no longer accomplish compared with his much younger self (I didn't know him then) and I would like suggestions for making closeness pleasurable but not penis-focused. As a writer, I thought there would be more information out there in book form, or on the Internet, to answer questions and share experience. Unfortunately, the penis pump has to be the correct size and they are not returnable. If you get one that is too small your erection gets painfully caught in the device and it is unlikely that you would want to try again. Again, thank you.

you are a lucky man. with a good attitude. I am sure life will have purpose. Dont let loose of her. I never realized how those small things made such a difference.

My Life after cancer is confusing in many ways. Why? Because my cancer will never go away. I am 3.5 yeas into survivorship. Still passionate but in different ways. For example my stage 4 prostate cancer teaches me to not focus on how long I will live, but how well I can live. Part of that Well (wellness) includes exercise, nurturing, and sharing tenderness with my wife. She loves hugs, back-rubs, and Beach Boys concerts. Her smile and dimples reactions indicate she appreciate my flirts.

Hi 'tuckerp', just a word to encourage you to try the kegels first for incontinence. And give it time and consistent therapy. And following the AUS threads here you should note that the "85%" actually has a wide range of results. I'm super lucky - and maybe had an awesome surgeon too - since my AUS works great! It does take some learning and technique no matter what. But some guys seem to have devices that don't hold too well, or hold too much, or are difficult to use, or etc.
So I'd advise to don't rush. Exercise. And stay tuned in here. I'm always amazed about the helpful and thoughtful comments.
Good luck and keep up your good perspective.

Not harsh. Maybe I should have worded my initial post differently. Like "Made a dumb move need help". I have two friends that have PSA over 7 and they just monitor or treat. The one friend his PSA has started to drop. I felt at the time I would make myself sick knowing I had cancer. Dr gave me 85% chance that both impotence and incontinence would be fine. Especially having watched my Dad die from it. Well, little over 4 years and I think we might have got the cancer. (no guarantee) But I fall into the 15%. But I also dont know from there. My wife is sick so I have not even tried to get an erection in the 4 years. I miss it but....... . On incontinence I have not done kegel excercises. I put on a condom catheter and wear it all day. I can hold it while sleeping with no pads. I can do whatever I want with the CC. (except wear shorts). But I need to make the right choices from here. I am following the AUS thread but I probably should try exercising first. Sounds like the AUS has another 85/15 split. I know I have history where I would end up. Impotence very important to a healthy male. But I got 51 beautiful years. Its not the worst thing. I dont need any notches in my pistol.

ranger44's numbers are much, much higher than yours and still ( I think) he is on active surveillance.
You had a single core of 3+3 and a PSA of 1.2, right?

You remind me a lot of a friend of mine who had RALP after a slight increase in his PSA (2.6 to 3.3 or something). Wonderful person but a total worrywart. Got lucky probably cos he was young @ 54 and is happy with his decision now but for me it was a really poor life decision. He too was 1 core @ Gleason 6.

You would serve this community greatly by letting others know that these kind of numbers do not normally need treatment and could lead to less than optimal outcomes that affect livelihoods for all involved.

This comment may be viewed as harsh by some but my goal is to be helpful.

I truly feel for you, brother. As if your poor wife being terminally ill isn't enough you have to put up with this crap. I am 5 yrs out, mostly continent but as others have experienced, an occasional squirt or drop can come out of nowhere and there's nothing to be done about it, IMO. I think pelvic floor exercises are great but sometimes a tiny damaged branch of a nerve will fire and there it goes.
But your situation seems even more dramatic with having to wear a daily urinary condom. I would totally look into a Pelvic Floor Therapist because anything has to help at this point. But it might not get you all the way there and at that point you can reassess the situation re: surgery.
As far as impotence is concerned, I am still 90% impotent with an occasional semi "semi". Have tried all the pills and nothing works. Doctor suggested Trimix injections but I decided it seemed like way too much trouble to bother although I still may try it. I've gotten philosophical since my diagnosis, realizing that life really IS short and can end at any time. Bottom line: you don't get a reprieve from the Grim Reaper as we all have, for free. I've learned that cancer is still a bad word because it can be a bad disease and can kill you badly. If payment involves dribbling and loss of potency, well, I had a good run while it lasted.....Best to you and your wife and hoping that things turn around in your lives.

Thank you. Yes I am following the AUS discussion. Learning what I can. I have been married for 51. My wife has Glioblastoma. She was perfectly healthy until diagnosis 3 yrs ago. May God speed to you as well.