Last day of Radiation: Not feeling the expected emotions of relief

You read my poem, I describe the feelings you are having.
https://connect.mayoclinic.org/discussion/an-ode-to-prostate-cancer/
Even if radiation is what you are doing now, currently, it can just be the next step in a long life of treatment. I didn’t know what would happen after each Reoccurrence, but they never did mean it was the end.

It’s been 12 years since I finished my 8+ weeks of salvage radiation treatment. Yes, it came back 2 1/2 years after radiation, But I went on Lupron and when it failed Biclutamide Followed by Zytiga, followed by Nubeqa.

The drugs are getting better, By the time you hit the 12 year mark, if you ever do, they’ll have something that will probably almost completely cure it.

Now is not time to panic.

I start radiation on 11/17

I’m castrate resistant. Surgery failed. Immunotherapy failed.

Right now I’m pessimistic but I’m hopeful at the same time.

But I’m not anywhere close to believing it’s curative. I’ve had 2 recurrences and both were like getting hit by a truck.

My rampant optimism after immunotherapy resulted in a gigantic emotional crash, some drinking, & relationship damage after il-advised texts

So I’m going into radiation expecting nothing bc meltdowns after failed immunotherapy & surgery harmed my relationship with loved ones

Congratulations on completing radiation!

Right now, prostate cancer is fully on your mind, which makes sense because your treatment just ended. You WILL find that, going forward, you'll start to think of it less and less, until, if you're in the U.S., you'll see a commercial for a prostate cancer drug or treatment and your peace will be temporarily shattered. You'll also start thinking about it a lot around the time of your 3 month PSA test.

One trap I fell into that you might be able to avoid is attributing every little thing that goes wrong with you to prostate cancer and/or being a side effect of your radiation treatment. For example, I woke up one morning and my pelvis/abs were REALLY sore and my first thought was "oh my god radiation has damaged me" and then I remembered I did way too many abdominal exercises at the gym the day before. Stuff like that.

@jeffmarc Thanks Jeff!

I just take it day by day and accept the little victories along the way. You have to be glad to be over the full bladder/empty bowel routine. I know I am. Hell, you can pee and poop whenever you want. That in itself is cause for celebration. 😁

@mjp0512 LOL, this is true!
I only got kicked off the table once out of 38 treatments for not having a full bladder. I won’t even talk about some of the emergencies I had on the expressway in traffic on the way home.

@johndavis60
When ever possible need to stay positive and believe your treatments worked. It is why you chose to do them. Prostate cancer is highly curable when caught early and is inside prostate.

You mentioned another failed treatment. Is this your first treatment for your cancer? You post seemed to infer this is another treatment and first did not work? If your first you have a very high rate of success. You should be feeling it is over and statistics are on my side.

Being positive is going to help you with your recovery. Mental health and physical health play such a critical role with each other. Did you have hormone treatments? If so these treatments can affect you mentally as well as physically. It would be advisable if you are having hormone treatments you speak to your medical providers about your feelings.

Talk to your urologist, R/O, and PCP and tell them your concerns. Hearing that prostate cancer is highly curable from medical experts is going to go a long way to helping your with mental feelings.

Do you have a sport you like to do? Have a hobby? Every single medical provider I had and have now stressed having a lifestyle that brings a smile and enjoyment. I found doing water aerobics, biking (Yes you can go back to biking), swimming, walking improved my mental health outlook.

I went back to my exercise routine after my radiation ended and it did wonders for my mental health. Again today's treatments have excellent results for curing prostate cancer when caught early.

Congrats John < 3 !!!
May your treatment prove to be super successful and PSA stay low forever ! It can happen, you know ; ) !
I completely understand your feelings though and it IS a normal reaction. You are just exhausted and dazed by all of those treatments and exams and "results" you had to endure, one after the other, and ooon and ooon.
Please don't put extra pressure on yourself now - you have the full right to feel whatever you are feeling and as days pass you will be able to relax little by little and even start "forgetting" all the bad moments and catch yourself smile at simple sites, like kids playing in a park, or puppy wagging a tail anticipating morsel of that cookie to fall down, or sunshine bouncing of the glass table and making baby squint in a stroller while mom is obliviously scrolling through her phone. You will go out with friends or have nice dinner with your children and totally forget about PC Odyssey in those moments and those moments will be more and more, and then become days and weeks. Yes, you will be reminded about it on days when PSA test is due, but don't think now about those - they will come and go. The only thing that is certain about PC is the fact that it is unpredictable, BUT it is unpredictable BOTH ways - it can go wild as much as it can go dormant for decades ! Try to think about "decades", no matter what !
All of us here are no different than PC free people around - they might have just days ahead and just don't know it : ( . We are just little bit more aware of our mortality but that gives us ability to enjoy small, everyday things much better, much deeper, with more joy and more appreciation. Cheers to that !!! Not a small feat !

@jc76
Thanks JC!
I had surgery in May, positive margins and several other factors that made it so that I needed radiation therapy as soon as I could do it. I am on ADT and Abi, and I haven’t really been having any side effects. My psa is at .05 and falling, so thats good. The mental issues I have now is that I feel like I need to be doing the maximum aggressive treatment. I didn’t even have side effects from the radiation, and so I asked my doctor if I could start chemo. She said no. My cancer is very aggressive. Gleason 9, intraductal, cribriform, and pten/tp53 mutations. This is why I am super motivated to do as much as possible. So now I have a hard time with the fact that I won’t be showing up and getting on the table everyday. I do have hobbies. Walk everyday, go to the gym a few times a week, but the thing that takes my mind off cancer the most is when I am oil painting. For some reason, when I do this, I don’t even think about cancer.

@surftohealth88
Thanks Surfer, you know me, and you always know what to say to make me feel better. I hope you and your husband are well < 3