Intimacy and sexual life living with colorectal cancer

I'm so sorry that you are dealing with a second cancer, @trishalynn ! I hope this new cancer was found early.
How much it will affect your sexual life depends a lot on the treatment you will receive, because this will affect which nerves and how much they will be affected. Don't be coy with your doctors (oncologist, surgeon, whomever you're seeing for this cancer) and do ask right out how and how much it could/will affect your intimacy and sexual life.

Sexuality is not just sex. Sexuality has a biological dimension, a psychological one and a social one. The four holons of sexuality are gender, interpersonal affective bonding, eroticism adn reproductivity.
Now, it is important to keep in mind that intimacy with our partner is not just the physical sexual interaction. The first dimension of intimacy is the emotional one, our feelings for one another and how we express it in words and gestures. The second one is experimental, like the rituals we have as a couple, such as choosing and watching a movie together on Friday night, for example, or making a capucchino for your partner after lunch. The third one is intellectual: sharing some intellectual interest, like learning something new together. It could be taking a dance class together or attending conferences on the universe together, for example. The fourth one is spiritual: the moral values we share. And the last dimension is the physical one, the sexual physical intimacy, which does not have to include penetration if it is uncomfortable. There are also good sexologist out there who can help with this.

The workshop I'm attending grounds itself in mindfulness as a path to work on our intimacy and on our feeling whole as women affected by cancer. At our second session, we did an exercise where we had to experience what a raisin is through each of our five senses: we had to observe it, then touch it, then bring it close to our ear and listen to the noise it makes if we press on it, then smell it, and finally put it in our mouth, first only tasting it on our tongue, then chewing and swallowing it slowly.
The idea is to focus on the pleasant sensations, to observe our judgements, to explore without trying to change anything, but rather simply noting the sensations, thoughts and behaviors. The aim is to EXPERIENCE, to open ourselves to the SENSATIONS, to allow us to FEEL. This helps us to get to know ourselves, to know when and how to apply this.
In short, what this workshop does is to apply mindfulness to our sexuality and intimacy.

I'm with Colleen. Please keep us posted and yes, please encourage them to expand their considerations beyond breast cancer. I really hope you get something positive from the experience. And them too!

I was just diagnosed with rectal cancer on the dentate line. I still have to get staged. My thoughts are on if I will ever enjoy sex again.
I also went through radiation and chemo for nasphyarngeal cancer. It took at least 6 months until my throat felt better. I know it's a different cancer but I hope you feel better soon! I am so afraid of the unknown. Soon I will find out! Hugs

The workshop sessions are weekly. I'll keep you posted, @colleenyoung , about each session. One of the basis is mindfulness and one of the aims is self-compassion. More at another moment when I have more time.

Indeed, we need to raise awareness that women can suffer from a variety of cancers beyond breast cancer.

@verol65, I'll be interested in what you learn. I also encourage you to use this opportunity to open their eyes to the need to expand their teachings to include the experiences of women with cancers beyond breast cancer. I'm grateful for the advocacy that breast cancer women have made. It's now time to widen the circle.

Thank you for all the support you offer everyone here on Mayo Clinic Connect.

Yesterday I attended the first session of six of a workshop for women who have (had) cancer called "woman in plenitude," centered on intimacy and sexuality. This was only the introductory session where the three psychologist explained where this workshop came from and the program (aims and method). Then the 9 registered participant presented themselves. All the other women had (had) breast cancer. I'm not sure how much it will work for me since the workshop comes out of a hospital center for breast cancer, and even if they are specialized or specializing in psycho-oncology, they don't seem to know much about cancers other than breast cancer. I could notice that both in their reactions to my introducing myself and in the subsequent survey they sent us. I'm going to give them a chance since I've paid for the workshop.

Thanks for the encouraging comments and the touch of humor.
Putting away the fears of what might happen. The powe of mind over matter. I'll think of that next time.

So happy to hear that you also have a supportive partner 🙂 It can make all the difference.
I'm afraid that 'escaping things' is something that does happen from time to time. I thought I had left all that behind (😂) when my son grew out of diapers, but sadly, it's back! Being free from pain is HUGE in terms of being able to relax, and that comes with time. There's nothing for the other stuff but a good sense of humour and wet wipes beside the bed........ Control does improve with time, but it's so individual. As my partner once quipped, "if you want to play in the sandbox, you've got to be prepared to get dirty!" And so it goes. The power of mind over matter is incredible 👍

Thanks, Terri @terrihodges , for sharing your experience with us and for the useful information on meds (which of course we should always consult with our HCP).
It's been 6 weeks since I left the hospital and almost 7 since I had my coloanal anastomosis and almost 8 since my Turnbull-Cutait pullthrough and vaginal flap. I yearn to have sexual relations, but my anus still hurts and I think there is still some inflamation in my vagina, so the most I've been able to do is to masturbate my husband, cuddle and have my husband masturbate me (but not inside) with little satisfaction last week-end. Part of the reason for the little satisfaction was that I could not keep out of my mind the fear of gases or even feces escaping while being intimate.

Luckily for me, my husband too is quite understanding. He too took up an unsavory task. While at the hospital, in order not to be calling the nurse all the time, he would sometimes clean me up and change the bed protector, and he kept doing it at home when I was not able to clean myself up quite properly, even with the bidet, because of bulge on my anus. He never complained; when I apologized, he shushed me. But, as in the case of your husband, Terri, it helped him understand what I was going through, have an inkling of what I was feeling, be super supportive and empathetic.

He is very patient with retaking our intimate life at the pace I feel comfortable with.

Where to start........ 🙂

Due to menopause I had severe hot flashes and night sweats even before my LAR and started using an estrogen patch and progesterone. This fixed it for me. No vaginal dryness before my LAR.

It took about a month after my LAR and temporary ileostomy to feel healed enough to even contemplate returning to a sex life. At the same time, I started into a six month course of chemo which did bring on additional adverse side effects: mucous membrane deterioration which led to external sores and skin splitting on the labia and perineum, vaginal dryness and split lips and mouth sores. At this point I saw an Oncology Gynecologist who prescribed Clobetasol steroid cream for the sores down below; Vagifem estrogen inserts; and then Premarin estrogen cream once the sores had healed. Over time, all of this worked for me. However, I did suffer from vaginal dryness, burning during penetration, skin splitting in some positions (experimentation required......) and the mental hurdle of reluctance given the pain of things going wrong. We laughed alot, cried a bit, and just plain snuggled more than usual, but we mackled our way through. A year after the end of chemo, I'm still using all these prescriptions on a regular basis - the estrogen, progesterone, vagifem inserts, premarin external estrogen cream. The clobetasol cream I keep around just incase.......

Now. About that bag......... I never did get the hang of properly fitting the flange around the stoma. The whole standing in the bathroom, looking in the mirror and trying to work 'backwards' cutting it to fit thing eluded me. SO, bless him, my partner offered to take on that role. Every 4-6 days for 18 months I got to lay comfortably on the bed while he did the work of fitting the new flange. It made my life SO much easier, made the whole process much more relaxed for me, AND he was pretty good at it - only 2 leaks in 18 months! The thought of this may gross you and/or your partner out - wouldn't blame you - I really fought it in the beginning. For us, in the end, it helped him be much more empathetic and supportive of what I was going through. No me hiding away in the bathroom to deal with it.

Finally, one of my best finds was on Etsy. Helinka Carr of Unspoken Rosebud makes LOVELY ostomy bag covers and wraps. Varying widths and styles, many colours, some with lace. These were a godsend for me - I felt comfortable walking around naked and being intimate - no flapping bag. Thank you Helinka!