inappropriate speaking volume from hearing impaired spouse

While my husband has never complained that I talk to loud; he does complain I don’t speak loud enough. I can never figure out how loud I am. I don’t want to talk too loudly and I always feel like I’m talking loud. The hearing aids I think help me think I’m talking too loud.

Hi Mickey5909 and thanks for replying. I'm sorry for your and anyone's hearing loss, and you sound like you don't want to talk too loudly, and that is very considerate of you. It's not clear to me that my husband cares at all what his speaking volume is. If he cared that would make his speaking volume a little easier to take, at least when he speaks too softly. It would still hurt my ears when he speaks too loudly, which he does more often. I'm actually considering wearing noise canceling headphones whenever he's around, or else just not being in the same room. This is hurting our relationship, and we've been married 40 years. How would anyone feel about being shouted at maybe a dozen times each day every day for more than 6 years?

@eboopen
I can so relate and empathize! You are not alone on how maddening this can be!

Here is some information I found online:

Dealing with communication challenges in a relationship, especially when hearing loss is involved, can be frustrating. Here are some strategies that may help address the issue of inappropriate speaking volume with your husband:
1. Open Communication
Discuss the Issue: Have a calm and honest conversation with your husband about the impact of his speaking volume on you. Use "I" statements to express how it makes you feel (e.g., "I feel uncomfortable when you speak loudly next to me").
Choose the Right Time: Find a moment when you’re both relaxed to discuss this, rather than during a moment of frustration.
2. Visual Cues
Use Hand Signals: Develop a simple hand signal or gesture that you can use to indicate when he is speaking too loudly or too softly. This can help him adjust his volume without feeling criticized.
Mirror Technique: Encourage him to watch your mouth and facial expressions while speaking. This can help him gauge his volume based on your reactions.
3. Practice Volume Control
Volume Exercises: Work together on exercises to practice speaking at different volumes. For example, take turns speaking at a soft, moderate, and loud volume, and provide feedback on how it feels.
Record and Playback: If he is open to it, record his voice at different volumes and play it back for him to hear the differences. This can help him understand how loud or soft he is speaking.
4. Environmental Adjustments
Reduce Background Noise: Ensure that the environment is conducive to clear communication. Reducing background noise can help both of you focus on the conversation.
Positioning: When talking, try to position yourselves so that he can see your face clearly. This can help him gauge his volume better.
5. Consult a Speech Therapist
A speech-language pathologist can provide specialized strategies and exercises to help him develop better volume control and communication skills.
6. Audiologist Follow-Up
If the issue persists, consider revisiting the audiologist. Sometimes, adjustments to the hearing aids or additional training on how to use them effectively can make a difference.
7. Patience and Understanding
Recognize that adjusting speaking volume can be challenging for someone with hearing loss. It may take time for him to become more aware of his volume and make changes.
8. Support Groups
Consider joining support groups for partners of individuals with hearing loss. Sharing experiences and strategies with others in similar situations can provide additional insights and support.
Conclusion
Addressing the issue of inappropriate speaking volume requires patience, understanding, and open communication. By working together and employing some of these strategies, you can help create a more comfortable communication environment for both of you.

My current partner says I only talk louder when my hearing aids aren’t in. Just be lucky he is smart enough to have made the decision to have his hearing tested and has hearing aids. According to my wife who passed sway I waited too long to get hearing aids.
Maybe he is just whispering sweet nothings in your ears. I say it could be worse. Enjoy it.

Hi Daveshaw, thanks for replying. I'm sorry to hear about the loss of your wife, and yes, things could always be worse. I guess I should've clarified that the really difficult part of my husband's inappropriate speaking volume is the shouting, which happens every day. He shouted at me non-stop for years before I insisted he get his hearing tested and voila, hearing aids were needed. After using his hearing aids, his shouting diminished from constant to around a dozen times each day. I don't understand how he still feels the need to shout when wearing hearing aids. I can understand how there must be an adjustment period where the hearing aid wearer adjust the hearing aid settings and his own reaction to the difference hearing aid makes, but his daily shouting has continued now for 6 years. Yes, things can always be worse, but my ears hurt every day when he stands right next to me and shouts in my ears.

It is often difficult for a person with sensorineural hearing loss to regulate the volume of their own speech. Most likely, prior to getting hearing aids, the person has increased their own volume without realizing it. That may become their norm. Another thing that happens when this does is a change in facial expressions. Look in a mirror and say something at your regular volume. Then say the same thing when shouting. Your facial expression will change. This change often makes the speaker appear agitated. It is an issue for many who depend on speech reading (lip reading) because facial expressions are telling.

Teachers in elementary schools often express concern about a student who speaks too loudly, and also for those who are nonstop talkers. Both traits can be signs of hearing loss. This is also true with adults who have adult-onset hearing loss. Volume is logical. Constant talking is strategic. If you talk all the time, you can avoid having to listen.

Is your husband speaking too loudly because he wants to annoy you? Does his voice become raspy after so much shouting? Is the softer speech happening after a stint of shouting? Obviously, a good conversation about this can be helpful. Also, it is very possible that the hearing aids he is using may not be programmed correctly.

Being open about speech, listening, hearing loss etc. is important.

If there is an HLAA chapter in your area, I strongly suggest you consider attending their meetings. It's helpful to communicate in a support group like Mayo Clinic Connect. It's even more helpful to meet other people in person who are experiencing the same issues. HLAA chapters bring those people together. http://www.hearingloss.org

Hi Julie, thanks for responding and for all the info. In some ways I think it is possible that my husband is trying to being annoying by speaking so loudly, but for the most part I don't think he is aware of his volume. His voice doesn't become raspy, but his pitch starts to get higher, which seems odd too. The softer speech doesn't happen after a shouting stint, it is hard to tell when he's going to speak too softly. Sometimes I think he speaks too softly when he's not aware that he is speaking to another person, almost like he's talking to himself.

I have wondered whether his hearing aids are programmed correctly, which is why we've gone back to the audiologist a few times. The audiologist made some changes and recommendations, but it is possible that my husband either "forgot" to make the adjustments, or since he often functions in denial, he may have said he'd make the changes but then never did.

I will try to find a HLAA chapter in my area to attend a meeting. I hope that will help, thank you for suggesting that!

There is a lot to process in your statements. First of all, loss of hearing is a journey. Now you have me wondering if the volume I speak is appropriate because I only have partial hearing in my good ear. The other one is totally deaf. As an experiment, have him read a sentence or something without the hearing aids using what he considers a normal volume. Then have him read the same sentence with the hearing aids inserted in what he considers a normal voice. See if there is any difference. If not, then you can rule out the hearing aids being the problem if he speaks the same either way.
Perhaps he just yells sometimes as a long term habit from his pre-hearng aid days.
It is hard for a person with good hearing to understand, but my hearing fluctuates, and maybe it is more noticeable to me because I only have one ear, but for example if my sinuses are the least bit clogged my hearing diminishes. Does he have allergies or sinus issues?
Some hearing aids only increase volume and are not great with quality of hearing even with adjustments. Maybe if his volume is too high, he feels he has to match it.
Also make sure the aids are situated correctly in the ear. Generally if they are too far in there will be feedback, but if they are too far out, hearing might be diminished. There is a sweet spot where it is just right.
When I let people know I do not hear well, they start yelling, and that helps me not at all. I just need for them to speak more clearly and enunciate their words so it does not sound like mumbling. Perhaps he yells because he thinks by doing so, it will make you speak more loudly or clearly. Who knows?
I have no clue how bad your husband's hearing is with or without hearing aids, but hearing impairment of any kind puts you in a whole new world. Hearing aids are a wonderful tool, but they do not provide what is referred to as "normal". It is more of a "new normal" or an adjustment of what our normal used to be, if that makes sense. His new normal with the hearing aids may make it more difficult to actually hear himself so he is floundering from the loud speaking habit you say he had for years to the softer speaking volume because he can hear better with the aids. Whether you have rechargeable batteries or regular batteries, they begin to wear down during the day which also makes the hearing gradually diminish.
One last suggestion. Why not develop a hand signal between the two of you. You can wave your hand down like petting a dog (lower your speaking volume) to let him know he is speaking too loudly, or raise the hand up (like raise the volume a little). Don't laugh, because I know it sounds like training a puppy, but it will prevent the constant need to have the same discussion over and over with him about how it is hurting your ears when he yells or how you cannot hear when he speaks too softly. It also might help him in practice to learn habitually how to speak at a pleasing level.
Like I said, hearing loss is a journey, and it not only affects the hearing impaired person, but sometimes their family and friends as well. I hope some of this helps.

Hi Imayo, thank you so much for your reply, you have a lot of interesting suggestions.

I now realize that I left out an important piece of information: my husband tells me almost every time he speaks too loudly that he doesn't realize he's speaking loudly, and that he forgets to try to adjust the volume of his voice. He has mild cognitive impairment that may be progressing to some form of dementia, and possibly because of that, (another) new behavior has developed, and that is that he lies quiet frequently, so I don't know if I can believe what he says.

I love how logical all the experiments you suggest are, but I don't think he can remember enough to have these experiments really work. Also, his inappropriate speaking volume is rather random, and happens all throughout the day, so even if his hearing aid battery is getting low that wouldn't explain that this happens all day (his hearing aid batteries are recharged every night).

I'm sorry if I should've disclosed the mild cognitive impairment before, but I guess I didn't want to cloud the issue, and hoped to find out what could be going on for people with hearing impairments who may speak in inappropriate volumes. I think you've enlightened me about how hearing impairment is a journey, and as I've said before, I am sorry for anyone who has hearing impairment.

I am now apologizing to this community if I was wrong to avoid disclosing the mild cognitive impairment issue. I really do appreciate everyone's input, and all of it has been very useful to me. Because of a number of behaviors that have been developing recently and what his doctors have to say about these behaviors, I now think it is possible that he may not be lying when he says he forgets to adjust his speaking volume. Again, my sincere apologies to this community if I took up your time when maybe a lot of this is an issue for a different community, like caregivers of people with dementia.

Thank you for your input!

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