inappropriate speaking volume from hearing impaired spouse

While my husband has never complained that I talk to loud; he does complain I don’t speak loud enough. I can never figure out how loud I am. I don’t want to talk too loudly and I always feel like I’m talking loud. The hearing aids I think help me think I’m talking too loud.

Hi Mickey5909 and thanks for replying. I'm sorry for your and anyone's hearing loss, and you sound like you don't want to talk too loudly, and that is very considerate of you. It's not clear to me that my husband cares at all what his speaking volume is. If he cared that would make his speaking volume a little easier to take, at least when he speaks too softly. It would still hurt my ears when he speaks too loudly, which he does more often. I'm actually considering wearing noise canceling headphones whenever he's around, or else just not being in the same room. This is hurting our relationship, and we've been married 40 years. How would anyone feel about being shouted at maybe a dozen times each day every day for more than 6 years?

My current partner says I only talk louder when my hearing aids aren’t in. Just be lucky he is smart enough to have made the decision to have his hearing tested and has hearing aids. According to my wife who passed sway I waited too long to get hearing aids.
Maybe he is just whispering sweet nothings in your ears. I say it could be worse. Enjoy it.

Hi Daveshaw, thanks for replying. I'm sorry to hear about the loss of your wife, and yes, things could always be worse. I guess I should've clarified that the really difficult part of my husband's inappropriate speaking volume is the shouting, which happens every day. He shouted at me non-stop for years before I insisted he get his hearing tested and voila, hearing aids were needed. After using his hearing aids, his shouting diminished from constant to around a dozen times each day. I don't understand how he still feels the need to shout when wearing hearing aids. I can understand how there must be an adjustment period where the hearing aid wearer adjust the hearing aid settings and his own reaction to the difference hearing aid makes, but his daily shouting has continued now for 6 years. Yes, things can always be worse, but my ears hurt every day when he stands right next to me and shouts in my ears.

It is often difficult for a person with sensorineural hearing loss to regulate the volume of their own speech. Most likely, prior to getting hearing aids, the person has increased their own volume without realizing it. That may become their norm. Another thing that happens when this does is a change in facial expressions. Look in a mirror and say something at your regular volume. Then say the same thing when shouting. Your facial expression will change. This change often makes the speaker appear agitated. It is an issue for many who depend on speech reading (lip reading) because facial expressions are telling.

Teachers in elementary schools often express concern about a student who speaks too loudly, and also for those who are nonstop talkers. Both traits can be signs of hearing loss. This is also true with adults who have adult-onset hearing loss. Volume is logical. Constant talking is strategic. If you talk all the time, you can avoid having to listen.

Is your husband speaking too loudly because he wants to annoy you? Does his voice become raspy after so much shouting? Is the softer speech happening after a stint of shouting? Obviously, a good conversation about this can be helpful. Also, it is very possible that the hearing aids he is using may not be programmed correctly.

Being open about speech, listening, hearing loss etc. is important.

If there is an HLAA chapter in your area, I strongly suggest you consider attending their meetings. It's helpful to communicate in a support group like Mayo Clinic Connect. It's even more helpful to meet other people in person who are experiencing the same issues. HLAA chapters bring those people together. http://www.hearingloss.org

Hi Julie, thanks for responding and for all the info. In some ways I think it is possible that my husband is trying to being annoying by speaking so loudly, but for the most part I don't think he is aware of his volume. His voice doesn't become raspy, but his pitch starts to get higher, which seems odd too. The softer speech doesn't happen after a shouting stint, it is hard to tell when he's going to speak too softly. Sometimes I think he speaks too softly when he's not aware that he is speaking to another person, almost like he's talking to himself.

I have wondered whether his hearing aids are programmed correctly, which is why we've gone back to the audiologist a few times. The audiologist made some changes and recommendations, but it is possible that my husband either "forgot" to make the adjustments, or since he often functions in denial, he may have said he'd make the changes but then never did.

I will try to find a HLAA chapter in my area to attend a meeting. I hope that will help, thank you for suggesting that!