I'm not sure where God fits in

There are many things that I don’t understand regarding God and religion. I grew up in a very religious environment and family and I suspect that’s why I am skeptical of organized religion, but I do feel very spiritual and I pray a lot. I don’t profess to know what’s best for others. I just know my heart and my experiences. And that makes a huge difference in my life. The lack of equity of those with health and resources is baffling. I try to have faith and ask for comfort and acceptance.

Hey Denise, I'm a Denise, too!😊 I appreciate your heartfelt honesty. It made me think of two things. I heard someone say faith begins when you lose it, meaning doubt is a feature of belief and faith, not a failure of it.
The other is my belief that whatever or however you think of God, God is big enough to be angry with. Anger is an emotion, and like all emotions, is fleeting and better expressed than not. God is BIG, my friend. Your anger will not last; it may come back, but we only stay stuck in emotions that are not expressed. Just my two cents. Wishing you the best.

I feel this so deeply, Denise. I too am struggling with so much disappointment and anger. Not necessarily directed at God but generally at the universe that I am back in this fight for the second time. My family is also very religious and hold similar values to what you’ve expressed. I don’t have any answers either, but please know u are not alone in feeling how u r feeling. Being the one going through the actual experience is vastly different than being the one supporting. And as such, I feel that our experience of God through this all will naturally be vastly different. Sending u so much strength and courage as u wake up every morning and continue the fight.
Jenn

Thanks after I posted this I realized God knows my every thought and actions. He knows how much I want to live. He knows how much I am doing to help myself. He can even read my post, ☺️ I don't have to get on my knees to beg. He already knows how I would like things to go.

I'm kind of in the camp that he puts us here and it's our job to figure it out. He gives us talents and not in equal measure. He expects us to use those talents for his glory. So that's what I'm doing.

I am also trying not to blame myself for being in this position. That's a hard one because I want to believe what I do going forward will influence more disease. Can you have it both ways?

Denise,
When I was eight years old, I was kicked out of Sunday School for asking too many questions. One in particular was after the minister spoke to us about praying. I asked, less clearly than what follows, that if I prayed for something that God did not want, would it happen? The answer was no. Then I asked if I did not pray for something, and God wanted it to happen would it happen? He told me yes. That was the start of my journey away from organized religion.

I have very religious friends who cannot believe I never uttered one prayer during my heart transplant journey. Still, they told me that I was saved for some unknown purpose by their prayers. I have no problem if someone believes out of a need for consolation (credo consolor). But please stop demanding that I believe as you do. If one needs a God in their life, I would not take that from them. I side with French mathematician LaPlace on where God fits in. I have no need of the hypothesis.

Many will be bothered by my lack of faith but to them I say I have an immense store of faith. It is not in another person's experience. It is not in the experiences documented in a book. It is in my own experience. And then the cries of arrogance will follow. But who is arrogant? Those who demand my compliance or the one who is content to let you believe as you want.

I am with you in this journey. Of all the things you need now, guilt is not one of them. I assume with the reference to chemo you are fighting cancer. That is a much tougher road than mine. I wish you well.
Best always,
s!

PS: I love it when Job holds God accountable towards the end of their conversation. God pulls rank on him and Job basically answers that he knows his place but that God still owes him an answer. And of course God buys him off with riches. Still does that compensate for all of his suffering as a pawn between two deities? I think not.

Job's story is disturbing. Worse than Jonah but poor Lot's wife. Was that really called for?

You probably see that I am a believer in God and mine is Christian. But because each of us are so unique, I believe no one has the same beliefs.

Right now I'm a believer in the power of me and my body. I believe medical therapies are essential to me being cured. I also believe I have a huge role in becoming cured and staying well. I don't want to just hand this over to God. I want an active role. I want to do what I can to create health.

I love the way you write. It makes me think.

Denise