I'm not sure where God fits in

There are many things that I don’t understand regarding God and religion. I grew up in a very religious environment and family and I suspect that’s why I am skeptical of organized religion, but I do feel very spiritual and I pray a lot. I don’t profess to know what’s best for others. I just know my heart and my experiences. And that makes a huge difference in my life. The lack of equity of those with health and resources is baffling. I try to have faith and ask for comfort and acceptance.

Hey Denise, I'm a Denise, too!😊 I appreciate your heartfelt honesty. It made me think of two things. I heard someone say faith begins when you lose it, meaning doubt is a feature of belief and faith, not a failure of it.
The other is my belief that whatever or however you think of God, God is big enough to be angry with. Anger is an emotion, and like all emotions, is fleeting and better expressed than not. God is BIG, my friend. Your anger will not last; it may come back, but we only stay stuck in emotions that are not expressed. Just my two cents. Wishing you the best.

I feel this so deeply, Denise. I too am struggling with so much disappointment and anger. Not necessarily directed at God but generally at the universe that I am back in this fight for the second time. My family is also very religious and hold similar values to what you’ve expressed. I don’t have any answers either, but please know u are not alone in feeling how u r feeling. Being the one going through the actual experience is vastly different than being the one supporting. And as such, I feel that our experience of God through this all will naturally be vastly different. Sending u so much strength and courage as u wake up every morning and continue the fight.
Jenn

Thanks after I posted this I realized God knows my every thought and actions. He knows how much I want to live. He knows how much I am doing to help myself. He can even read my post, ☺️ I don't have to get on my knees to beg. He already knows how I would like things to go.

I'm kind of in the camp that he puts us here and it's our job to figure it out. He gives us talents and not in equal measure. He expects us to use those talents for his glory. So that's what I'm doing.

I am also trying not to blame myself for being in this position. That's a hard one because I want to believe what I do going forward will influence more disease. Can you have it both ways?

Denise,
When I was eight years old, I was kicked out of Sunday School for asking too many questions. One in particular was after the minister spoke to us about praying. I asked, less clearly than what follows, that if I prayed for something that God did not want, would it happen? The answer was no. Then I asked if I did not pray for something, and God wanted it to happen would it happen? He told me yes. That was the start of my journey away from organized religion.

I have very religious friends who cannot believe I never uttered one prayer during my heart transplant journey. Still, they told me that I was saved for some unknown purpose by their prayers. I have no problem if someone believes out of a need for consolation (credo consolor). But please stop demanding that I believe as you do. If one needs a God in their life, I would not take that from them. I side with French mathematician LaPlace on where God fits in. I have no need of the hypothesis.

Many will be bothered by my lack of faith but to them I say I have an immense store of faith. It is not in another person's experience. It is not in the experiences documented in a book. It is in my own experience. And then the cries of arrogance will follow. But who is arrogant? Those who demand my compliance or the one who is content to let you believe as you want.

I am with you in this journey. Of all the things you need now, guilt is not one of them. I assume with the reference to chemo you are fighting cancer. That is a much tougher road than mine. I wish you well.
Best always,
s!

PS: I love it when Job holds God accountable towards the end of their conversation. God pulls rank on him and Job basically answers that he knows his place but that God still owes him an answer. And of course God buys him off with riches. Still does that compensate for all of his suffering as a pawn between two deities? I think not.

Job's story is disturbing. Worse than Jonah but poor Lot's wife. Was that really called for?

You probably see that I am a believer in God and mine is Christian. But because each of us are so unique, I believe no one has the same beliefs.

Right now I'm a believer in the power of me and my body. I believe medical therapies are essential to me being cured. I also believe I have a huge role in becoming cured and staying well. I don't want to just hand this over to God. I want an active role. I want to do what I can to create health.

I love the way you write. It makes me think.

Denise

I had a vision about this subject while at a specially organized prayer meeting for a dear friend of the family, that had just been diagnosed with deadly cancer. While praying I was given a vision, and internal knowing in my spirit. It was saying/showing that to not be afraid when the final confirm of pathology came, but to know, he was gonna be instantly healed in this particular case. I was shown people carrying sticks, they walked toward where they were all stacking their particular stick. It made a bond fire pile, yet not fire yet set. After each placed their individual stick on the pile, then the point came it was supernally set on fire, consumed. Then God said to me, "in this case," it will be a combination of efforts involved, then the fire will ignite each one's sticks, and then it will happen....the healing will come. See, at the time, the family friend said he didn't want to have any treatment, cause he felt it would be like a lack of faith that God could heal him. I did not know this at all, cause I was not close to him, he was close friend of my dad, I had no idea of that. At the end of the prayer meeting that day, I went over quietly to him, presented the vision I had written out and what I felt God wanted him to know.
He continued to not get treatment and almost died on a cruise,on vacation, with my dad there. They got him off the cruise and he did then go to Dr again. Dr told him he was getting to the point they wouldn't even be able to offer him any treatment at all, and it was only to try to beat cancer back a bit, but if he wanted to try, he had to start ASAP! ...or he couldn't ever try it. He agreed to try the treatment. ...meanwhile, my mom/dad had gone to ministry school in Florida years before, and the family friend had come down to see them while there. Again, this was years before he had ever been diagnosed with cancer. Anyways, the lady called my mom and said she wanted to tell her something. She told my mom she has has a dream about their friend who came to see them while their were going to ministry school in Florida. She proceeded to tell her she had see him (the family friend) inside a holowed out log, being taken into a cemetery to be buried. After at the grave site, the log ignited and the family friend had "Life" breathed into him, and instead of burying him, a funeral, they went into town, and had a celebration. The lady who had the dream and called my mom to tell her, did not know the family friend at all, had no idea of his cancer diagnosis nor of the vision God had given me during the prayer meeting about each person bringing their collective sticks, and then once all had their sticks in place, fire would ignite the sticks, and bring healing to him. Other Friend was declared cancer free, and that was over 18 yrs ago! Point is, too many put God into a box,or try to. We honestly will never know "the whys" here on this earth. We won't, cause so many innocent good persons die, and evil ones seem to thrive. All of us don't get it, so unjust, but to those of us who choose to try to live for the Lord daily, we have so many questions that will never be answered while we are here on this earth for sure. But I value the moments like this in my life, so much, that have happened to me, and we're I was able to speak hope and life into a dire situation. You feel so small, and helpless, and you just reach inside to make sure it's not out if yourself best you can. Everytime I see our dear friend, EVERYTIME, it reminds me of how God works through us to help others with our respective skills and talents to bring hope to another. Using Doctors isn't lack of faith, it's how God designed things to work 95% of the time, through others. Humans reaching out helping other Humans. God also does the miraculous, I've witnessed that as well, just keep believing and looking for ways to encourage others everyday. God Bless you all.

I truly believe there are many things we will never understand this side of heaven. But I also know that God’s plan is always perfect and His timing is as well. People with serious, life threatening illnesses have two choices in their fight. Work with the medical community to fight like warriors or not. It is everyone’s personal choice. I chose to fight but I’m a realist and I know that I may not be one of the ones who is cured. But my faith is strong and absolute and I have told my family. If I am cured, I win and if it is my time to leave this earthly life, then Jesus will be there to meet me in heaven. I win in that scenario as well. That is a blessed assurance and it gives me great peace throughout this battle.

Yes, I have a life motto that I chose when I was twenty five. “In you, Lord, I place my trust.” It has been a source of strength, wisdom and comfort from my youth until to now in my eighties with OC. I have a wonderful medical team here in Sonoma County, CA. I place my trust in them as I recognize God’s power and love in their dedicated care…

I can understand the contrast in how each of us has a different core to our beliefs. After a marriage that fell apart after 33 years, ovarian cancer decided to re-visit as endometrioid cancer. Finding anything positive as things were redirecting my life would have had a negative influence on my well-being, and it was obvious I'd have to find a way to keep things in check to avoid adding depression to the whole mess. My GP knew all I had been through (was also watching a parent's health fade and ultimate death, too) and he offered to have me speak to a counselor. Unfortunately, the counselor advised me to start journaling about the "dark places." After sitting for over an hour with a blank page the next day, unable to write anything, a friend called to check on me. THAT call changed my wellness journey. I started writing. First I wrote a page about that particular friend and how grateful to God I was that my path crossed with this friend who held me up through so many challenges in my life. For the next several weeks, I wrote about the people who "came out of the woodwork" to help with so many different things while I went through the divorce, the cancer, the household move, and the ultimate death of my father. I realized God is in the people who cross my path and the community of people who stand with me as God provides "opportunities" to see the good in others. He sends us "left turns" in life, yet often, we can see His love and grace in those who may stand with us for a moment or for the entire journey. What I'm trying to explain (maybe not so well), is you will define the challenges you have, and He will be defined in how you see Him or allow him to send you the people, the hope and the tools to continue on your journey. Cancer isn't a place to "camp out." You are on a journey that can be defined by what you can squeeze out of what time you have remaining. If you feel lost on the journey, just as you are doing here, reach out. People can be there for you, so don't be afraid to ask THEM for help and then see God in their support and actions. Does that make sense...? May you find peace in your journey...