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I can't live like this anymore
I used to don't have a purpose and goal for my life, but I continue studying because others told me that it's necessary for my future and I'll be regretted it if I don't do my best. I did that because of my love to my mom, but honestly I'm not good at it enough, and I always think about it that how I don't try enough. But lately, something happened and me and my parents had an argue. I just had a very important test and I did a awful job in it. So I wasn't mentally stable and I was distracting myself from thinking about it by doing some stuff like dye my hair. But when we did the fight over something I've done, my father told me a lot of bad stuff, about how my mother sacrifice herself for us and I'm so ignorant. Well I already knew that stuff but I guess it was a bold reminder for me. From that day I can't stop crying about it ever time I think of it. I do know all the sacrifices and efforts my parents did for me. I'm such a failure and a waste of money and love. I can't do anything to amends them. Literally I'm not good at anything. I'm not a good child, sister, student or even human. My mother would be much happier if I never existed. I can't find any reason why I should keep living when it's totally useless and also I can't even find a way to kill myself. It's been two whole day since I did nothing but cry in private. But I can't also hide my sadness that much in front of everyone, so it effects them. And I can see how my mom try to cheer me up, but I do hate myself that much that I can't change it. I didn't know what to do I just found this website and wrote it down so if anyone can help me. Sorry for my poor english.
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@nn06
First you are not a failure and you desire love. You are going through some very stressful times.
You did not mention your age. I strongly suggest some professional help and where you seek that advice depends on your age.
If your in grades 12 and below, is there someone at your school you can reach out?
If over 18, do you have a doctor? Make an appointment and talk to him. A provider can advice and maybe refer you to a therapist.
If those are not an option, try https://www.samhsa.gov/find-help/national-helpline
They also run a crisis line, call or text 988 or chat 988lifeline.org
You state Human Services department may also have resource's.
You do not need to suffer alone, help is out there for you.
Do you have someone you can reach out to?
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15 Reactionsnno6,
Everything about life is in the translation.
Your father loves you and is trying to motivate you. His efforts are misguided but well meaning and evidence of your value.
You interpret his expression of concern as degradation of your human value.
Your mother would not be happier if you never existed. And she will never have happiness in her life if you end yours.
There is a clear single problem and more than one solution. The problem is that you are not motivated in school. The most likely solution is a tutor. You may need to change courses or direction of study. You should seek this type of help and direction through counseling at school.
Many people are depressed and don't know why. You're lucky in knowing the cause and its complications with your dad.
Write back and tell us what you do find interesting, what you might like to study or pursue as a career. Traditional schooling may not be right for you. Or you might not have the most stimulating teachers. Tell us.
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12 ReactionsThank you, your post was really helpful for me.
I already like the course I'm studying in, I just don't like the pressure. It's very competitive and competition is not my thing honestly.
I feel much better now.
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12 Reactionsnno6,
I'm happy to read your reply.
You might, sometime, be able to talk to your dad about it, or you might never.
Your mom sounds so sweet.
Competition is not my thing either. That I completely understand.
Wishing you luck and happiness.
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5 ReactionsEveryone is put on this earth for a reason and you’re also one of them. Some people just aren’t cut out for academic study and the pressure these days is really intense. Perhaps you would find more joy in some other walk of life such as working with animals or elderly people? It’s your life and you shouldn’t have to do things to please your parents at your age. It’s not worth killing yourself over, that’s for sure. A therapist could probably help you work your way through this. It would be worth it if it helps you find joy in your life! Good luck to you.
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4 ReactionsDear NN,
You are very resourceful! You have found our group and you are communicating. That is a very healthy thing to do and shows a lot of promise and hope. You are a lot stronger than you give yourself credit for. There are many successful people who did not do well in school. They pursued things they loved. And doing well does not necessarily depend upon schooling. Pursue things that bring you radiance and joy. It will change your life, I promise. Sending you loving thoughts and well wishes.
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4 ReactionsHang in there. I was in a similar spot as you’ve been in and after much therapy got through it. Take care of yourself.
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