I can’t get past my PPD

Posted by sadmom420 @sadmom420, May 1 6:08am

I gave birth to my daughter almost a year ago, for the first 4-6 months I did ok. My husband was the one who struggled more emotionally but I was doing alright. Recently it’s only gotten harder.

I’m constantly plagued by thoughts of wanting to kill myself or just simply not be here. I don’t have family to talk to or any friends, all I have is my husband and his family. I’m constantly thinking my daughter and husband and his family would do better without me here. I’ve also been having an extremely hard time controlling my emotions.

I’ve recently been able to stave myself off by thinking I would mess up my daughter if I died, especially near her birthday. But I’m starting to not care anymore. I mean, today alone our day started at 5, I was with her the night prior. And immediately I felt off, my husband and I have not been able to emotionally connect in a long time, and that continued today. I admit I started the arguing when he went up and I realized I just couldn’t watch her I needed him to; but it’s just constantly been this struggle every day. Fight, argue, feel alone, cry in my room, want to die.

Today it escalated by me having to sit in the corner of my bedroom, crying, and telling myself I can’t get up cause I was worried I’d hurt myself (I’m ok right now-found this forum I hope it’ll help).

I constantly feel lonely and like I’m incompetent, we don’t have any money for therapy and I don’t want to keep borrowing money from his parents-it makes me feel like an even bigger mess. As well as his parents are now very aware I’m struggling emotionally and I feel they’ll think I’m messing up their son and granddaughter.

Basically my whole mess of a posts TLDR is I seem to be the source of my own problems, I don’t feel capable of fixing it much less existing, and I’m struggling every day. Just any advice would help. I’m a younger mom at 23

Interested in more discussions like this? Go to the Depression & Anxiety Support Group.

frouke | @frouke | May 1 7:14am

Dear sadmom I feel so bad after reading your comments, I also can understand how you are upset with everything. It’s life changing to have a baby and you are a young mother but even older women have emotional issues after having a baby. I too had my first baby at 24 and it totally overwhelmed me, I couldn’t believe how much work it required and most of it was my responsibility, I felt very alone and troubled and everything was just too much to handle. I wanted to let you know that this stage is temporary and will gradually become easier, you will get more comfortable with your child and slowly get to know her as time passes, your husband will also take some time to adjust to his new life as a daddy. It’s harder for you because you’re going through a lot of emotional changes due to your hormones readjusting again and this process will take some time but if you need help with this you can talk to your doctor who can help you make it easier for you. Please don’t feel alone because you’re not and now there’s a new member that is also going to need your help with getting to know her family. I know that time will do wonders for you, your husband and baby and one day you’ll smile about the whole thing, congratulations and all the best for you and family.

gently | @gently | May 1 9:35am

sadmom420,
PPM isn't a personal failure. Please don't go through this without experienced help. https://postpartum.net/get-help/help-fomoms/#:~:text=The%20HelpLine%20will%20provide%20you,return%20your%20call%20or%20text.
There are many services without cost. But keep posting here. Nothing is TLDR for us.
It sounds as though your husband may not have a basic understanding.
It also sounds like your in laws are more aware. Sometimes depression lets us read the thought of others inaccurately. No one should be expecting you to get through this on your own. Your emotions result from a physical, biological imbalance. You can't expect to think or will your way out of it. It isn't permanent, but can influence decisions that are. Bless your struggle with luck.

Phoenix | @kudzu | May 1 10:06am

Hi Sadmom;
It sounds like you’re in a pretty dark place. I think you need to get outside help.
I realize you don’t have money for therapy, but most places have mental health services based on ability to pay. You might want to Google the local crisis or suicide hotline and tell them what you’ve told us here. In the US, 988 is the suicide/crisis number you can call or text. They can direct you and chat with you. Also, the EMTs at your local fire station can be a source of information.
You may or may not be the source of your problems, but that doesn’t mean it’s your fault. It sounds like you’re doing your best and concerned for your baby. Your hormones, family background, etc. can be involved.
Are your husband’s parents able/willing to provide some respite to you in terms of babysitting while you rest? You said they are aware of the situation.
Believe that you yourself are worthwhile. Please keep us informed.

shmerdloff | @shmerdloff | May 1 10:12am

It's mostly your brain chemicals and hormones running wild. Life has immense problems which we can solve, tapping into our own life force-love of life, and love for your daughter and her father.
Sometimes our biology is not our friend. Antidepressants and good talk therapy work to set our body/mind back into balance. That you are reaching out tells us that your love of life is stronger than the despairing forces now in play.
Stay with us and stay in touch. I'd be happy to chat privately with you, if you like.
I am old, and didn't believe it before, but love is stronger than anything.

dlydailyhope | @dlydailyhope | May 2 9:59am

@sadmom420
You are totally not alone and we are here for you.

I struggled with anxiety and panic attacks during pregnancy (was put on sertraline 25 mg) plus had postpartum depression for over a couple years after my son was born. My son didn’t sleep for 2 years which made it really stressful and difficult to care for myself, son, pets, home and job. I was married at the time but my marriage was really difficult so I felt alone in my struggles. I also have no family and was quite isolated. I felt like you did where I wanted to run away from life but I knew my son needed me. He is 15 years old now and I am divorced and a single parent/his sole provider. Things did get better with time and you need to be patient with and kind to yourself.

You may want to reach out to your state to learn more about any benefits available to help you with postpartum depression, counseling, support groups and possible medication. There may be resources available to get care for your child to give you a much needed break to care for yourself.

1. https://postpartum.net/
2. https://mamayahealth.com/postpartumsupportinternational/
3. https://psichapters.com/
4. https://www.mmhla.org/articles/maternal-mental-health-hotline
5. https://www.womenshealth.gov/TalkingPPD
6. https://mchb.hrsa.gov/programs-impact/national-maternal-mental-health-hotline
7. https://www.postpartumdepression.org/support/groups/
8. https://balanced-wellness.org/blog/understanding-postpartum-depression
9. https://www.postpartumdepression.org/resources/
10. https://www.momsmentalhealthinitiative.org/

Helen, Volunteer Mentor | @naturegirl5 | May 2 11:01am

@sadmom420 Welcome to Mayo Clinic Connect. As you can see from all the comments and recommendations from other members you are not alone. We all are concerned about you, your mental health, and your family. Have you already been diagnosed with Postpartum depression? I know many women who have gone through postpartum depression and it was very sad and difficult. With outside help from their family doctor, psychiatry or mental health therapist they learned that their mood would lighten and they could feel better when taking care of their infant.

I'd like to suggest that you start with your family doctor. Your family doctor should have recommendations for low cost mental health therapy and can talk with you about medication that might be helpful for you.

I am worried about your statement that there are days and hours where you wish to die. I'd like to suggest that when that happens you do not be alone. Please call U.S. Mental Health Crisis Hotline at 988 or go to your nearest Emergency Department at your local hospital. I understand that it would be difficult to do this when you have an infant however you can certainly take her with you.

How are you feeling today?