How much do you share with grandkids or your children?

Posted by Rubyslippers @triciaot, Nov 4 7:24am

When I was diagnosed my granddaughter was 3 so no issue of discussions. She is now a very inquisitive 5 1/2 year old. I have shared with her that I had an MRI and infusion . . . because she had to have a MRI earlier this year and is on her 6th IVIG infusion (5 hr long).
She wanted to know why I was quarantining during recent Halloween and didn’t trick or treat with her and her little brother (they are sick often with daycare and school viruses/colds). She was satisfied with the answer that I’m going to the hospital and they’ll send me home if I’m sick. To her, the hospital is where you go for infusions and scans so no real concern about more intensive procedures (I have surgery tomorrow).
But I know she will ask more questions. How much is too much?
I don’t mind sharing about my condition- most everyone I know are aware. But I don’t want to scare her. I’m okay with giving a non-answer to her questions . . . but then don’t want her to later think I lied.
What to do?

Interested in more discussions like this? Go to the Breast Cancer Support Group.

Laurie, Volunteer Mentor | @roch | Nov 4 8:06am

@triciaot,
Most articles on subject emphasis being honest. If try to keep secret, kids may think it is worse then it actually is.

There is a great video from MD Anderson at kids level on what cancer is. Might be too much for a 5 year old. But might give you ideas on how to talk to kids or grandkids about:
Kid to Kid: Your Parent Has Cancer: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IF10VGKwmjc

Miriam, Volunteer Mentor | @mir123 | Nov 4 8:10am

You might find this discussion useful -- https://connect.mayoclinic.org/discussion/being-a-grandmother/

Rubyslippers | @triciaot | Nov 4 10:32am

Thank you @roch and @mir123 Those are helpful, and there was a lot of good responses on the grandmother thread and kid video!
I never thought I would be exchanging experiences with a 5 year old about medical procedures. I think it helped her when she needed an MRI and I could say I had 3 and I was able to say it was going to be okay. I had a CT scan this summer and we talked about that (simple info). Then when she has to have an infusion I commiserate with her about the needle stick and she explains the entire procedure to me. I like being able to let her talk out her fears.
I haven’t said the cancer word, but I can see from the other posts that it might be better to do so and let the kids see that it isn’t frightening.

ellerbracke | @ellerbracke | Nov 5 6:06am

I think how much, when, and with whom to share cancer information is a very delicate thing. I had a lumpectomy for localized breast cancer almost 4 years ago. No radiation or chemo, so no visible signs. At the time my son's MIL was freshly diagnosed with BC as well, and his wife had just been diagnosed with Lupus. So I decided to stay mum for the time being, except sharing my cancer diagnosis and panic/worry with a few selected friends outside of my family circle.
That way I got support, and ears to listen, without putting more stress on my family. I did get genetic testing to see if there are any markers for different cancers, but none showed up.
So I finally told my daughter, so she'll be sure to be extra vigilant re. mammograms and self-examination, perhaps even MRI's if indicated, and left it at that. My sons have no need to know, neither do my casual social friends.
As I said - personal decision, and of course I DID have a choice, since the surgery and follow-ups with Letrozole and Zometa had side effects, but none that would be obvious.

Miriam, Volunteer Mentor | @mir123 | Nov 5 9:43am

I appreciate the question--and asked myself this too. A quick update--I've had a great year and a half without breast cancer treatments (except letrozole, which works well for me).
My grand daughter is now almost six! I'm on a lot of meds--diabetes, etc.--but never take pills in front of her. When she was an inquisitive toddler I didn't want to inspire her to put things in her mouth! Now I just rely on the usual privacy between adults and children--I feel everyone needs some of their own space. It makes sharing, special, too when it is spontaneous.
A friend of mine and I both worry about the world, future of our grandkids. We've settled on telling ourselves that whatever happens a grandmother's love is money in the bank. The kids will always have it to support them even after we are gone.

Denise | @denisestlouie | 1 hour ago

I've kept my diagnosis close to the vest. I have personally only told my immediate family and a handful of very close friends. I didn't even tell my business partners. I don't want to be thought of as that person with cancer and I don't want to talk about it either. I was diagnosed in July 2024 I've had 5 chemotherapy treatments and my head is as bald as a bowling ball, but I conceal that with wigs.

I have 2 grandkids 5 and 1. They live 5 hours away. I've seen them 3 times since July. Our visits are about bonding. Last time I was at their house my granddaughter who is 5 opened the car door as her dad was pulling into the driveway screaming my grandma name and tried to jump out to see me. That's the relationship I dreamed about. (Not the jumping out of moving cars, but excitement to see me.)
Obviously it might be different if we lived closer.

I'm hoping the treatments will kill cancer and this will be it. I don't have to make decisions about what I'll do if there's a recurrence at this time.