Connect
horrible grief from losing my daughter in 2011
My daughter was 23. She had always had some "issues", even from birth, was a "difficult" toddler and young child, but always treated with respect, love, and TLC. I never once raised my voice to her and never criticized. I was, I am, a wonderful mother, the mother I needed and never had. But she apparently had Asperger's and depression set in when she was ten years old, as she reported later. Then in her teen years, she was bullied and the stress evoked paranoia. I hired a lawyer, I threatened the school district, they fixed it. But it took me several years to get her over the idea that people were "looking at her". But I did do that. I just couldn't fight the psychosis that developed, the hallucinations I didn't even know she was having, and no matter what I did, I could not find a good psychiatrist, a qualified aware therapist. They just didn't exist.
So in 2011, she ended her life. I had turned my house into a lock down psych ward. She couldn't get out without a key, she couldn't even get an aspirin or razor to shave her legs, without asking me. I was terrified she would try suicide again. But that day, she got away from me, she seemed "fine". No one told me that this was a huge warning signal. So I gave her the keys to her Grand Cherokee. I never saw her again.
I've done so much since then, traveled Europe five times, taken cruises, seen things people only dream of seeing. I learned to ride a horse, I worked in the church, I did so much. Nothing worked. Today, I ran some simple errands and the entire time I was out all I could think of was another spring and she's dead, another endless damn string of happy days starting with Halloween and then thanksgiving, christmas was her favorite day all her life, my birthday, her day of death, her birthday, mother's day, memorial day, I can't do any more of these days. I can't do it. My grief hasn't changed one iota. I miss her more now than the first god awful year after her death. I'm totally alone, abandoned by my two oldest friends, abandoned by her "father's" family who are all apparently subhuman morons, and I'm old now and things are starting to happen to me. I'm terrified. I'm heartbroken. I don't want to wake up in the morning and I don't have the nerve to put an end to this pointless, meaningless life. I have a psychiatrist, I'm taking medication, I have a very good therapist, nothing touches this. Nothing. I don't know what to do.
Like
Helpful
HugInterested in more discussions like this? Go to the Depression & Anxiety Support Group.
Connect
AloneInTheCatskills @user_ch783e933, I'm at a loss for words. Alas, words are the only tool I have on a forum like this one, so I'm reaching out to write that I hear you and I'm listening. ❤️
-
Like -
Helpful -
Hug
3 ReactionsI don't know what to say either, except I am so very sorry. I'm sorry that you lost your beloved daughter and that it is impossible to get over. Just heartbreaking and I'll be thinking of you.
-
Like -
Helpful -
Hug
1 ReactionI feel your pain. I lost my brother to a horrible suicide that involved 8 other people, 5 of which were children. Quietly pray to God and seek out support groups and medial care. Keep yourself busy by volunteering. Now, it is about you.
-
Like -
Helpful -
Hug
3 ReactionsI don't have the magic answer for you, but having lost our older daughter, son-in-law, & grandson all within 5 months last year, I can tell you what I've discovered. I'll add that I was with our daughter when she passed, in fact as her mom I had to make the unbelievable decision to disconnect her from life support when the doctors said she no longer had any brain activity. Life has forever changed but the best explanation I saw online was actually a photo. It showed a picture of a heart completely broken in half. The 2nd photo showed the same heart but it had stitches holding it together. In other words, we heal but we'll never be the same. For me, that made perfect sense so I've had to learn that life is completely different now and I simply have to live my life to the fullest. I also attend a weekly Hospice group which helps tremendously. Please know that my heart goes out to you ....
-
Like -
Helpful -
Hug
6 ReactionsI'm so sorry about your daughter's death! My husband died last July and I realize how hard it is to lose someone that you love so much! Of course you are lonely. So am I. However, I do know that my husband and your daughter are both up in Heaven and out of pain and issues. We will both be reunited with them in God's time. But the waiting is hard. You mentioned that you are all alone and old. I am 79 and all alone also. I would be glad to listen if you just want to talk. In the meantime, ask God for his help. Talk to him like he's your best friend and he is! I talk to God everyday and it has helped me immensely. Have faith and God will make things better for you.
I will say a prayer for you.
I wish you the best.
PML
-
Like -
Helpful -
Hug
4 ReactionsMaybe there is a balance between calm and misery. Trying to be happy has never worked for me. When I was in my 20s I craved excitement and distraction, now at 75, I just wish I were comfortable but chronic pain sucks the life out of me. It’s interesting to me that the mental pain I’ve had all my life has been so much worse than the pain of dying from cancer.
I have had major clinical depression all my life so fighting inner demons is a way of life for me.
All I can say is stay away from “sub-human morons”. Don’t let them grill you with stupid, thoughtless questions or offer their advise. If you get stuck with these people I suggest keeping the topic off of yourself unless it’s someone you trust. Otherwise, change the subject right away to something you both can relate to.
Please avoid blaming and guilting yourself, for all of the heart breaking things that were and are out of your control. I’ve never had to deal with tragedy like you have but I do know a lot about pain and misery. My psychiatrist said they have tried everything they have at their disposal to help me and finally listed me as untreatable.
I first thought of killing myself when I was 15, but I’ve always been way to squeamish to actually take my own life. I always figured that something might go terribly wrong, something far worse than being dead.
The only relief I can give myself these days is listening to the birds outside my window or in remembering the hearing -aids that make it possible to even know they are out there.
I write a gratitude list of 5 things, when I remember to. Sometimes the only things I can be grateful for are things like: Chapstick, comfortable shoes & water.
Wishing you peace and tranquillity.
-
Like -
Helpful -
Hug
1 ReactionI love your comment about writing a gratitude list and had to smile at the "chapstick, comforable shoes, and water." What a great reminder to sometimes just be grateful for the most simple things.
I do think that suffering from clincal depression which is definitely a physiological problem is much harder that suffering from the "situational" depression I have. I'm just super sad about all of our losses, but it's something emotional which I tend to believe is easier to work on. To have a psychiatrist tell you that you're untreatable must be awfully discouraging. Could it be that you need to find a better psychiatrist? I've never heard of one telling a patient something such as that!