Family and friends reactions to diagnosis

Thank you so very much for sharing

Your life with dealing with cancer with both your child and yourself and your outlooks I think speaks volumes about your courage. May we all be as strong as you and come out the other side the better for it as your did.

@frogjumper

When our son of 15 months was diagnosed with cancer, I learned quickly that the diagnosis wasn't just hard for me, but for everyone else around me. My only brother didn't speak to me for two years (he was unable to deal with the trauma). My only sister sent me a bower of flowers (3' high, honestly) that looked like funeral flowers, and then didn't speak to me for . . . almost as long as my brother. My mother-in-law came over to ask me where my "list" was (you know, that "list" for thank you's you are supposed to write because someone brought you cookies - because they didn't know what else to do). By the way, we only received a few gifts of cookies, because everyone stayed away. And honestly, in that season of life, I was just trying to breathe in and out every day, I had no emotional energy for a "list". My father-in-law stayed angry the entire week (and even years later) our son was in the hospital after his cancer surgery. . . he was angry because I was clinging to my husband at that time, only wanting to be with him during the waiting of the surgery. I couldn't bear to be around anyone else at that time - everything was so consumingly raw. Our church congregation? No one came. (We were very active church members.) I became almost disillusioned with our church family, because if they didn't know what to do, who does? I was a young mom in my mid-twenties with three children and a husband who turned to work to get through the trauma. I didn't blame him, he did what he needed. He took 5 years to come to terms with our son's cancer. My parents were there (on the phone) to some degree - but they were suffering, too. I felt alone. . . three children under the age of 5, and one of them who needed my constant care through surgery and then chemo, and everything else in-between.

Fast forward over 30 years, I am diagnosed with breast (and a year later, uterine) cancer. Some things have changed in my experiences, and some, maybe not so much. There are still those who don't know what to do or say, so they do or say nothing. Or there are those who say something (we call it, filling-the-airwaves) because they feel they have to say something, and it ends up being the wrong thing. (I think that might be what you are referring to as "really stupid things".) Then, there are those who are watching and feeling the pain with you, but can't bear to be there, alongside you. Then, there are those who are just too busy in life. Then, there are those who just plain gossip about the next bad thing that happens to someone. And then, there are those like your sister, who rise up and jump in with you, even when it's hard to do. So, yes, I think you hit it square when you said there are "gains and losses".

My story is not any better, nor any worse, than anyone else's, it is just my story. It gives me a point of reference in life. I know my story pretty well, and though others around me might try to understand my story, they might not be able to. I think people genuinely care. Of course, they do. And I think people are genuinely good - or at least want to be. (I have to believe this in life 🙂 ). Some people are born with that gift of compassion, and it comes naturally. Some people have an opportunity to learn compassion when they endure hardship (I say "opportunity" because we always have a choice to learn something from trials, but the question is, rather, if we open ourselves up to being a student at the time). And some people want to care, but they find themselves so consumed by life that they don't have the mental, nor the emotional, space to do something about it.

One of my daughters-in-law shared something profound with me during my cancer journey - and that was "no response is still a response". She was taught that no-response was unacceptable. How wise of her parents! Because, we are ALL responding ALL of the time. . . and by not responding, we are actually responding. Wow, how true is that? even in my own life.

Having walked through cancer with our infant son (he is now 32, hallelujah!), and breast/uterine cancer, I find that people are still just. . . people. . . and many of us are all trying to move through this life with some amount of poise and grace, love and kindness. Someone who has not walked through this breast cancer journey cannot understand. So, I continue to work at trying to give them compassion and extending understanding. I'm not always successful at it, but the point being, I am trying. . . trying to make something good of the terrible ordeal that happened to me. . . trying to help educate others about compassion . . . both in my need for it, and my need to extend it to others. (And to be fair, they are likely "trying", too!)

I've shared this before - breast cancer is messy. But so is all of life. It takes a conscious effort to engage, never more pronounced than in trauma. It's my prayer that you hold fast to those who can and are there for you during this trial, and then, let go of those who cannot or will not be there. Sometimes I differentiate between those who cannot (physically or emotionally) and those who will not (they can, but make the choice not to). I've learned differentiating is not as fruitful, and results in hard feelings . . . so, rather, it becomes a matter of letting it all go. I'm still a work-in-progress, and I continue to work to let those things GO.

Being real. I learned this lesson through our son's cancer, and I continue to delve deeper into this realness even over 30 years later. People can't help you if they don't know. Even their feeble efforts of trying to be there for us can't happen if we don't let them know. Sometimes we want help, and sometimes we don't want to be helped - but part of this compassion and understanding is to first let others know our need. It's hard. It's vulnerable. No, it's crazy vulnerable. . . . but it is what it is. . . and people cannot begin to attempt to help us if they aren't aware of the need. That life lesson is still one I work on. 🙂

I used to swim at an area college, and they had a mammoth sign on the wall that read "STRONG AND SMOOTH". I still remember that sign. . . it helped me swim steady and hard at the time when I did my laps, not wasting effort with undesirable movements in my stroke. Today, it reminds me to just bear down and push through smoothly, not wasting my effort on things that produce ill-effects, slowing me down. That's hard work! But so isn't getting through breast cancer. So, my hope is that you move through this breast cancer strong and smooth. Hugs 🙂

I was diagnosed in Nov 21 and told only my sister that lives in another state. I provide local care for my 96 yo mother that lives near me, but alone (her choice), and she is my legal backup for my mom. I didn't even tell my husband until I had made my first appt with a doctor. I felt a lump and started with mammo, then needle biopsy before diagnosis was confirmed. Then I told my husband - I worry myself and he deals better with facts not what ifs - so he would be of no emotional support until diagnosis was confirmed. Since diagnosis was determined at the start of all the holidays - I waited until after the New Year to tell ANY other family. I worried the most about telling my mother as I'm the only one that lives close - almost everyone else is out of state. I made sure I had a good idea of what was ahead of me (for treatment) and a plan in mind for her care before telling her of my diagnosis. If its not apparent - I'm a planner and like to mentally map out possible alternate scenarios so I have an idea rather than unknowns.

My sister in TX and my SIL have been my biggest emotional supporters - always asking how I'm doing and do I need anything. I too was surprised by people's reaction. I have one sister that made me a blanket for chemo treatment as she heard that would be helpful. I have one sister that has never reached out to me - I mentioned this to my mom and my mom thinks she's in denial about my diagnosis. But as a mentioned none of them live close so we don't see each other very often - more like rarely.

I've never treated this as a 'death sentence', its more a medical condition that needs to be treated and managed. So maybe that has set the tone for my conversations with people I tell. As soon as I was diagnosed I did tons of research first on BC then when my type was determined then I focused on TNBC, then when I knew I was BRCA2+ then I could further narrow my research. I wanted to be aware of my options before I spoke with doctors to be able to ask questions at my meetings. My onco and PCP smile when I arrive because I always come with a notebook with questions for my visits. Some they can answer, others they tell me we need to wait and see, and others they direct me to someone else that might be able to answer that question.

I am BRCA2+ so once that was determined I made sure to advise my children and siblings and suggest they get tested. I have one sibling with children and she is getting tested and my children are getting tested as they both have children. My son is positive also and my daughter is now waiting for results.

I was fortunate that I tolerated chemo with minimal side effect (hair loss and mild fatigue) but that's all. I had a bilateral and bounced back from that well also. My next step in the journey will be radiation. No one has treated me differently other than to ask if I need anything and how I'm feeling - which has been fine with me. I guess if I don't act 'sick' no one will treat me as if I am 'sick' - which in my mind I'm not. I have a medical condition that I'm working on getting treated and under control.

Everyone's responses of how people react to the information has been interesting to hear.

First off I am sorry I did not respond to any of you I did not see the responses. Yes I am a bit technologically challenged!

I think after hearing these responses that there are clearly those that simply cannot cope with bad news/illness etc. And their silence is their own way of handling it. I don't think they mean harm by it but when you are on an emotional roller coaster it's nice to have those people to support you and listen. I found it difficult to not be angry at them but it's not going to help either. We all have our own demons to deal with, they have theirs too. For me I realized it was a detriment to my own health to ruminate over it all so I decided to forgive and forget.
But I also think that family and friends need to understand how best to support their people during times like this.
How do we communicate in a nice way that silence is not OK, that it comes off as hurtful. Maybe as a group of people with health issues we need to make a PSA commercial that helps people understand that we need them not necessarily for care but emotional support because I believe when we feel supported it gives us the energy to care for our health and heal.

Thank you all again for your insightful responses and may we all have the strength to keep on fighting and supporting each other xo

I was diagnosed and treated at age 48. My children were 11, 9 and 5. I told them of course, explaining in simple outlines. I had 6 months chemo after right mastectomy.
I told my mother and sister, of course. They live overseas. My mother was actually scheduled to visit us then- a blessing for all of us.
My sister is weird. After I told her I didn’t hear much. During the 6 months of chemo, when I needed comfort, there were no letters or phone calls at all.
I told a couple of close friends only. They were all so comforting.
Another unexpected disappointment was the reaction of the minister in the church we attended. Not a word. I guess we didn’t donate enough.
I guess we learn who we can rely on and lean on when we feel at our worst.

Wow - what a variety of responses but what sticks out is the willingness of women to share their stories here. From prior posts, people will know that I was diagnosed with metastatic breast cancer mid July 2019. After a double mastectomy, a skin biopsy for what we thought was second stage Lyme disease tested positive for BC. Verzenio & Arimidex worked great for 19 mos when my cancer came roaring back with Ascites (fluid buildup in the abdomen). New meds & draining didn’t work so we pivoted to chemo of Taxol, Avastin & Fulvestrant shots. As I look forward to 2023, various cancer markers are way down and I am back on the tennis court and hiking everywhere.
Often people in life say “How are you” whether you have cancer or not. It is difficult to navigate the polite social inquiries from those that care. I just tell people that I am doing well and navigating the pesky cancer thing as best I can. People who I quote further will want to know more. I then see it has my opportunity to share the positive advances being made on a daily basis and that hopefully we can all do well with our ‘chronic’ condition. I am not going to sugarcoats it and say that it is all easy. But I can honestly say that I am a healthier, kinder and more generous person for my experiences and that I hope if I can positively influence or make someone else’s journey just a little less stressful, then that is my gift to myself from this mess. I wish everyone a healthier New Year!

People are funny! And their reactions can be surprising too. With my cancer diagnosis, I told my children and siblings and a few great friends from back east (I'm now living in CO). I let my kids tell their children when they were ready. I'm my own worst enemy in that I worry and stress myself out. I need to share my bad news to keep myself steady. As treatments continued and I shared with people I saw often each week. Some were very supportive, some asked how I was doing occasionaly and others forgot even though I saw them regularly. I was able to reconnect with a cousin who shared information about my maternal aunt.
We can not control how others will receive our diagnosis, but we can control who we continue to share with. I have found that the people who supported me are the friends and family who I want in my life.
Good luck with family and friends and your recovery

I was diagnosed in April 2022. Told my dear friend, spouse, two sisters, mom and dad. Family from over seas and came over for what I thought would be support. It was very stressful with my spouse since there has been family tension in the past. One of my sisters cut ties with me after she went back because I told them I didn’t want my parents to come back when I have surgery. What hurts is I was put in the middle and it was during my 2nd round of perjeta and herceptin. It was the period when I was too emotional and still thinking my cancer was a death sentence and all I could think about were my little ones. It hurts at the time how my sister was bold enough to cut ties with me as I was going thru this. I try not to think about her but when I do, it makes me sad. I know there are two sides to every story and my sister has every right to be upset but I know she didn’t care enough to let me pass thru this. But as they say, she hasn’t walked my shoes and hope no one ever does. If I am to have a redo, I wouldn’t tell my parents and sisters.

I have always found that when it comes to a cancer diagnosis, people take their cues from us and then seem to digest the facts in their own ways.