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Emotional health after cancer: How are you doing really?
It struck me after my recent appointment with my oncologist how less focus is put on the emotional aspect of a cancer patient. I go to clinic I am checked in. I am asked in passing how I feel. Mostly I just say I am OK. It’s all routine. I saw my doctor he examined me we discussed the plan of action for my scans blood work. When a cancer patient is asked a how they feel often it’s “medical”. How do you “physically”feel.
Now that I am a “routine” patient at my cancer center no one stops to ask how I am “emotionally”. Don’t get me wrong there are people you can talk to. I feel things become so routine and some days I feel less emotionally “fit” than others. I never like going to the cancer center it stresses me. I am better about it but it is still a source of “depression “ and anxiety for me. When I feel this way I need routine. On my most recent visit I was given an “wrist band” to wear. I felt “branded”. Not only do I have to hold on to the appointment reminder “disc” now I am given an wrist band. It bothered me. So if you are a patient you can easily be identified by the disc and now and a wrist band. That my sound nit picky but I notice everything. If it bothers me it must bother other people as well. What would be good would be a place for patients, all patients, just patients to check in.
Ask us how we are today. Ask how we are coping. Ask care givers who bring in patients how they are coping. They should have “therapy” dogs on patrol. I love dogs and I know that would comfort me. It would take away some of the anxiety I feel each time I go to the cancer center. I am still “new” to my cancer. It’s been 6 months since my cancer diagnosis perhaps that is why I experience so much anxiety. I haven’t “accepted “ my cancer. It isn’t OK I have it. I am working through this.
Asking me how I am is a loaded question. Physically I am OK. Emotionally on some days I can be a bit of a “wreck”. The mortality aspect for me is a source of great distress at times. I realize I need to have perspective. Take one day at a time. Some days I could use a hug because even though I am adult it is scary to go to the cancer center and some days the child in me is more on the surface than the adult me. So I need to reel in the child and let the adult take hold.
Someone suggested mantras. I use one when I feel I need it. I tell myself it will be OK. It’s just a visit it’s just blood work it will be OK. That helps.
I believe all cancer patients have PTSD to some extent. I know I have it. This experience has traumatized me. Feeling sick, having symptoms, the diagnosis, the surgery, the recovery, the appointments, the blood work, the scans, the exams, the probing, going back to work, trying to regain “normalcy”, realizing there is a “new” normal, learning to live life the best you can. It is a bit much. It does get better and has gotten better. So when I am asked how I am doing it is a complex question and the answer on some days is convoluted.
At work people always ask how I am no one knows about my cancer because that is my busy but people know I was “sick”. I answer I am OK and move on because the question for me is complex. I would like to respond “ are you asking how I am physically or emotionally?”. No one has time for that. It takes too long.
My close friend asked me how I was and she and asked, “how are you really?”. In this “instant” and mostly impersonal world I am learning how the simple things, the unspoken words, the touch or hug, are often the most impacting. Cancer is teaching me to pay attention to what is around me, next to me, near by. Life is so precious don’t waste it.
How are you feeling today? How are you really? Do you need a hug? Are you feeling sad today? Is there something I can do for you right now?
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I found that emotionally I had to have hope and faith in the doctors and the treatment plan. Once I was on the path I mustered daily optimism that this will be successful and it has been three years now that I am cancer free. It clearly was worth the journey no matter haw difficult and challenging.
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5 ReactionsI agree. The simple question :how are you?" definitely has a complex and much deeper response for a cancer patient. And I often feel too guilty to give my true response. I don't want pitty but I can honestly use some kind comfort at times because I am often emotionally exhausted. I get you!❣🦓
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4 ReactionsPS: I was 38 when I was diagnosed lumpectomy chemo and radiation...
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2 ReactionsHello Laurie no you’re right life will never be the same it will be better!! And you’ll go through the tests with anxiety but happiness when you get a clean bill of health. I was diagnosed in 1995 with breast cancer 1 month after my wedding. Appts are still a little unnerving but it does get a lot better as the tests come back clear. You’ll be ok I’m 25 years now and life isn’t the same because my cancer journey made me appreciate life so much more. My positive vibes are coming your way 👍🏻🌻
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5 ReactionsThank you Becky I never refuse a hug! 😊
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2 Reactions@azkidney57 Your post is so ‘right on.’ I call cancer and some autoimmune diseases ‘invisibles ‘. When there are no visible signs, everyone thinks you’re just fine. But, we’re not. Just not. Please take care of yourself. I’m sending you a hug. Becky
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1 ReactionI am working full time now after I had my kidney removed in May and I don’t have the energy level I once had. So I look OK on the outside but I tire more easily and I can be an emotional wreck on some days. I have scans this month so I have scanxiety. My friends don’t get it that things are different now after a cancer diagnosis. My life will never be the same. I am getting accustomed to my new normal as it unfolds. It’s like a “re birth” of sorts. Priorities have changed my goal is to simply my life. You need to do whatever works best for you! Cancer patients all need and deserve on going care not just medical but emotional as well. I feel insurance companies should include home health visits for all patients that have gone through treatment especially for people who live alone. One may not have cancer in their body right now but the emotional scars cancer leaves behind deserve attention. My PCP asked me , “ so you’re ok now?” as he was walking out the door. My oncologists never ask how I am dealing with a cancer diagnosis their focus is medical. I am glad this site is here. I find it very helpful. I hope your scans are clean in December Laurie. I love your pic looks like you have a best friend!
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1 ReactionI am in my late 70's and just had surgery for what was referred to as early lung cancer. My wife and daughter both have great cancer and my daughter is 48 and has completed a lt of treatment. They will have their annual exams this month and I will go back in 2 months for another scan. Yes we have a new normal but I have learned that life is full of change even on a daily basis. Our future was unknown even before cancer, and I try to guide myself by recognizing that there are new and very effective treatments for cancer especially immune therapy which has been working.My doctors mother is 84 and was diagnosed with stage IV lung cancer. She was treated and now is on a form of immune therapy and is in remission, and playing tennis. Let's all hope and pray together. Good Thoughts.
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1 ReactionThe emotional roller coaster of cancer drastically effects your life.
I am 64 women with breast cancer living by myself. I have finished my scheduled treatments and in Dec will have scans done to verify no cancer remains. At first friends and family are very supported. Like dianamiracle, a nurse from Blue Cross even called to see talk about treatments.
Now that I am done with treatment, people think your cured and life goes back to normal. I might look better on the outside, but the mind and body is still recovering. You have the fear that the next test may show more cancer. I still have problems with fatigue and being nausea, and then there is side effect of drugs.
After isolating for over year due to fatigue and not wanting to be exposed to germs, I am slowing adding activities to my life. At this stage, I thing being around people and exercising benefits me the most.
I do not think life will ever be the same as before cancer, I just have to accept a new normal.
Laurie
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2 ReactionsHi @susandc I just wanted to add a real world example of how solid your thoughts on writing down your final wishes is.
My wife dictated to me her final wishes. She picked the music, the celebrant, location (our home), food, wine, eulogists (not me as she said I would talk too long and cry too much), cremation, locations for her ashes to be scattered, and for a variety of personal reasons she even had me write down who she wanted invited. As she put it, rather indelicately, 'Scott, I don't want anyone standing around in our home blowing smoke up your (body part) telling you how much they cared about me after I'm dead when they didn't give a (you can guess what) about me when I was alive.' She then shared this information with our adult children and her best friend so there was a core of folks who knew what was to go on and why.
She also decided to give her favorite jewelry and art to some family and friends before she died. She said she wanted to be the one to personally hand it to the next 'owner' and be able to tell them each why their item was special to her and why she wanted them to specifically have it.
She was in home hospice for the last 14 months of her war with brain cancer and we both were very pleased that she made this choice.
Not for everyone I am sure, but just wanted to share our experience with this.
Strength, courage, and peace.
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