Dating after prostate cancer

Just came across this post. I am dealing with post prostate cancer and all the issues that go along with it. I would really like to start dating someone, but this keeps me from doing that. Of course, I would date a man that had prostate cancer and some ED, I understand first hand what this is like. I am looking for support groups that cover this topic and places to meet someone that understands. Traditional dating sites don't seem to have individuals that would understand this issue.

@winkus It's tough isn't it. We're our own worst critics it seems. I joined a gay men's prostate cancer support group and it's been really helpful. It's NOT a dating site by any means--just a group of supportive guys who meet online to hash things out. It's been really helpful. Since I made that post a year ago I've become less "me" focused and have just put myself out there doing volunteer work, just being friendly and not isolating myself as much as I was.

A long time friend and I started dating about eight months ago and we've worked through the awkwardness. We get around the lack of spontaneity by scheduling sex and then, a couple days before, send each other texts of what's going to happen which helps with building up some anticipation.

Also, pelvic floor physical therapy REALLY helped me get decent orgasms back again to make up for the anejaculation. It's a lot more than just Kegel exercises.

@scottbeammeup thanks for the reply. I am glad to hear that you started dating someone that's working through this with you. I have been giving a lot of thought to dating sites and trying to get out there. I would just have to be honest from the start about my issues, and see how that goes. I have done Kegel exercises, but have not tried pelvic floor physical therapy. That is a new idea for me to investigate. I also like that you and your partner schedule sex and then discuss it prior, that is a really good idea. Thanks for sharing.

I am bisexual and went through radiation, brachytherapy and 18 months of ADT. I came off the hormone treatment in October and while I can now achieve erections, they are absolutely NOT what they used to be. I have also lost the ability to ejaculate. Before my diagnosis and treatment I was extremely sexually active. Now I am no longer willing to engage in relations with either sex. Cum was a big turn-on for me in different ways and no longer being able to produce it myself is devastating. I don't take ED meds because I don't see the point. I feel alot of shame and embarrassment. At this point I am just trying to accept that sex will never again be a part of my life.

I’m brining @scottbeammeup and @winkus back into this discussion.

@mouser26, it saddens me that shame is part of your experience with sex and the changes you experience after prostate cancer. The changes are hard to accept and making adaptations in order to find intimacy and joy again is a big hill to climb. Shame, guilt, blame are blockers that you might look into working on first. I, of course, don’t know you and I’m not a therapist, but I don’t think you have anything to be ashamed of.

@mouser26 it is a huge change in our lives that is difficult to accept! It helps to chat with someone who understands!

@mouser26 thank you for your posting and your honesty! I had RP 3 months ago and the experience has left me feeling ashamed too! All our lives as men our penis was a big part of our lives. To see it now as only a small non functional body part it traumatic experience which brings strange feelings. It is helpful to talk with someone who understands!

@mouser26 and @billybwbf2

I started seeing a sexual health doctor who has staff that deals with both the physical and mental aspects of sex post prostate cancer. Fortunately, I live near a big city so they're very LGBTQ+ friendly. I'll share what I've learned and maybe it will help you.

1. I learned to have sex and fit into the community when I was in my 20s. Moves, behaviors, etc. I've had to grieve that and throw it out the window and basically start with a new sexual roadmap. A therapist directly told me things won't ever be the same and part of me will ALWAYS grieve what's been lost but that I can build something new.

2. I'm in a gay men's prostate cancer support group and a surprising number of guys created dating profiles and were up front about their ED. They still got responses and are dating. None of those who were already partnered ended up breaking up because one of them had cancer.

3. I've been lucky in that I don't have ED anymore with 20-50 mg of Viagra but orgasm takes a lot longer to reach and a lot more stimulation.

I've been seeing someone I've known a long time and what's interesting is I'm discovering mental stimulation is working as well as physical stimulation. Without getting too graphic, sex is no longer about raw passion but more of a slow burn where we start with conversation and then REALLY long foreplay. After about an hour of that we're both super-stimulated and off we go.

My days of super passionate spontaneous quickies are over but, if I can be poetic for a minute, it’s okay to miss the fireworks because the fire I have now actually warms me instead of just lighting up the sky and then disappearing.

I won't lie--it's not easy and I'm still a "work in progress" with periodic times I miss my old body and what it could do but I'm not spending ALL my time thinking about it anymore. When the grief comes, I sit with it for awhile, then move on.

Thank you for your kind and well thought out response. You understand what it’s like to suddenly have your sex life end and have an organ “down sized”. As silly as it seems I’m grieving my loss.
I keep hoping it may come back but deep inside I fear it won’t! As you mentioned your “ group” you could most likely answer a question I have been wondering about but haven’t had the nerve to ask about…Anal sex… is that still an option after healing? It would seem with no prostate it would be. I’m just learning my way around my new life and its options.
Thank you for understanding!

@billybwbf2 Thanks for your post. It does help to talk about it and ask questions we are trying to find answers for. As to your comment”all our lives our penis has been a big part of our lives”. I read something today that struct me as true. Men don’t own their dick, their dick owns them”. Never thought of that before but thinking back on my life I think that is true!