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couple month to live...
Too long, and too much to try and remember how much I've gone through since 2021 being diagnosed with stage 4 colorectal cancer. I've had about 10-15 surgeries, radiation, ablation therapy, I don't even know how many different meds to try and regulate my body after my rectum, gall bladder, part of my colon, not all at once, but over the course of the journey I've had almost 75% of my liver removed. Leaving me with 1 properly working artery going through my liver, one was removed, the other is covered in scar tissue and isn't up to par. But miraculous as the liver is , I've been mostly pretty good.
My last scan a was a couple weeks ago, and I've skipped my last 2 or 3 because I feel like knowing makes it harder for me to function. Not to mention the anxiety I feel leading up the appointment. But anyway, I went to my last scan because I was looking into Death with Dignity and they need a scan and labs to move forward.
I was told that they wouldn't be able to do anything else for me unless I agreed to go back in for the massive chemo treatment plan and more surgery. I've opted to not do that obviously. My quality of life is diminishing quickly. I'm nauseas, and just feel sick...most the time now, it used to come in spurts throughout the day, now it's almost constant. I've also lost any motivation or desire to do anything. I could sleep or just lay in bed all day I think. No real interest in food or anything anymore. Dr told me this would more than likely be my last summer. Has anyone else gone through this? Am I almost there? Because I'm ready and don't want someone saying something "nice" or "supportive" unless it is the truth. I'm a very active, outdoorsy, energetic person. Now I haven't gone outside in a week. Maybe more. I don't know if this is just depression. Obviously on top of cancer. But how long will this take? Last summer like weeks? Or last summer, but I'll be here for winter and spring. I know they can't and don't like to make those predictions but I really need something right now. I'm sinking and losing all my will and desire to live anymore. I've had to quit doing almost everything I love, and don't have the energy or the creativity to find a new hobby or anything to make me happy. I'm tired of feeling sick all day, and yes I have meds and yes they help kinda. I took my steroid so I could get out of bed yesterday and try and help my kids with some things...I've been feeling sick and wide awake for 18 hours. So maybe this isn't even a real question anymore. I'm not scared to die, I'm afraid of my kids seeing me horribly sick and this dragging on for months and months. I have decided against Death with Dignity because It just won't work for me and my living in MN. Any advice? Or stories that can help me? I hate my kids seeing me like this, I hate not being able to provide for them the way I always did. I want an answer that I just don't think I'll ever be able to get. This did get long, apologies. Thank you for your time.
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I have a natural reaction to this and I am needing to tell you that I sincerely hurt inside for you. I know that one day I will go through the same thing and I would be dishonest to say I’m not scared. I remember when I heard Alex Trebek in an interview and he spoke about his battle with pancreatic cancer, he was so peaceful and accepting of his illness and he only felt sadness for the family he would be leaving behind, I especially felt some comfort when he said that he wasn’t afraid to go because he believed that his journey in life doesn’t end here, there was so much more to come after we die. His words were helpful for me and I wanted to believe in him for comfort. I recall asking my mother who was very ill if she was afraid to die and she said no, she was more concerned about how she would leave this world. My mom had a very difficult life and lost so many family members and friends in the holocaust so her viewpoints were different from others. I hope that you find peace inside and no more suffering, I will pray for you and know that God is always there for you to talk to and hear your prayers, peace and love to you, amen
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3 ReactionsFirst, my heart goes out to you for so much suffering…have you thought about palliative care, which could give you some more comfort and hopefully a chance to find some enjoyment along the way. Sent with loving compassion…
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3 ReactionsI have stage 4colorectal cancer and have finished just 3 chemo rounds. I’ve been told that I might be able to have debulking surgery after 12 rounds. I don’t know what my journey will look like but I believe in prayer and lean on my Bible study group of 15 ladies to give me hope and encouragement. I hope you have someone to lean on that gives you lots of love and care. I will pray for you and your kids.
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4 ReactionsHospice may be able to answer some of your questions and help your family to accept your death, bringing much needed relief. I am not sure, but I believe you have to be within 6 mo. Of dying. If doctor recommends, that would be an answer on how much longer you have anyway. I know it is not the fear of dying that most are worried about. They just want answers.
Praying for you and see you on the other side.
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4 ReactionsSometimes people live quite awhile in hospice. Longer than docs predicted. Covered by Medicare.
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2 ReactionsI have had Stage 3 colonrectal cancer diagnosed in 2022 so I empathize with you on this. I will pray for you and your family. There is nothing that I can say that will make a difference or things better with not having much time left. And I refuse to talk medical but instead everything else.... Have you thought about writing love letters, or letters filled with the good times and memories for loved ones? So that the time left is filled with happy thoughts? Just an idea.....
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4 Reactions@cheyna23 , thank you for sharing your story. I’m not able to offer any advice on what you are experiencing, but wanted to add that my father’s recent death has caused me a lot of thought about my own mortality. I believe the end of this life is not the end, but only a phase of our existence. Whether, it’s called another dimension, afterlife, etc. I believe it exists. It’s a personal thing of course, but it gives me hope for my spirit enduring beyond the life on this planet.
Bless you and your family as you navigate through this. I hope some of the thoughtful responses will be helpful to you.
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1 ReactionI feel so sorry for what you have been going through and I understand how you must feel my husband has had a double lung transplant and lives in pain every day and wants to give up he regrets every having it done. I am now going through both colon cancer and now just found out that I have breast cancer and I feel like I am ready to give up because really do I want to go through everything that I have been reading
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3 ReactionsI really appreciate what you said that is an amazing idea that I am going to do for sure
I am no longer scared of the cancer and I just also found out that I have breast cancer so I’m ready to accept whatever my life is but what my family wants is not what I really want they want me to fight at all cost but really what for
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