Concurrent / Parallel Losses

@smitty38- Hello, it's nice to meet you. You have hit on a very important part of life that most of us have experienced. And, unfortunately, I have had this experience. And I don't know if there is such a thing as being "balanced" after it. I am not a person who takes anything "as it comes." But I do know people who seem to.

To me, a balanced life means that you are really great at taking care of yourself and that everything is balanced. Your work, home life, and emotional and physical activities are all timed so that you are actually in harmony with these things.

Losing someone and then another, and another, and another is emotionally draining. You have to mourn or you will be miserable. What I've done in the past is to mourn whoever entered my mind.
If my mother entered my mind then I mourned her and then my niece. And then her mother, my twin.

I lost one of my best friends this year. I loved Linda, and we had been friends since high school. I'm seventy-seven. She lived in the south but from New England. I live in New England. Several months later I lost my husband. That was almost nine months ago. When my husband died, as you know from your own loss, the world stopped. There is not yet any part of my life that is "balanced". It is scary to think that we will follow, but when? I have a history of 26 years of lung cancer. Right now, I am cancer-free. My next CT is next week. My last treatment was followed by a complication in my lungs and I might not be able to have it again. There is another option, but I have no idea what the success is with it.

I think that in a world that makes sense it would be easy to move on. But there isn't a sane part of the world right now. You sound very attuned to what your world is like and what your mind is telling you. I agree, all of these losses add up to one big hole in our lives. No one can come along and fill their spots. You both had history in common.

It's very natural to feel scared about what is to come. Let those thoughts have their day or more. Do what you feel is the most important in your day. And as you said, be thankful for the days that you have been given. And remember those who have graced our days.

Merry

Your post has opened up so many things to think about, and so many possible discussions. I hope that I haven't dotted around too much.

Thank you for the thoughtful response Merry. I wonder if for some of us, Grieving is a binary event, we are either grieving or not grieving. And once the loss has been accepted we move on (In some fashion at a certain time frame). For me I feel grieving is a process with no definitive beginning or end. It depends on how intimate the relationship was with the person. An example, my father, who was my hero, died in 1980. Many times memories about him just Pop Up. A part of him is still with me, I don't want those experiences to end. Am I still grieving - I don't know. What I do know is I don't want the memories to end.

I have lost many family and friends. My cousin, Shawn, lost his brother last March, his mother last August, and his Dad in October. His whole family has been wiped out in a year's time. My parents passed in 2022 and 2023. My brother passed in 2018. It seems like it will never end. I know where they are; that gives me peace. I will see them again some day. I'm sorry for your losses. They change the way you think and feel... and YES it heightens your mind of mortality.

We all grieve a personal loss the rest of our life. It's not always a daily, weekly, or monthly time of grief. If you've lost your Mom, memories pop up on Mother's Day. They can be bittersweet. The same with your Dad and all other losses. Yes, grief isn't as hard after years of loss, but all of a sudden it seems like it happened yesterday and the tears come with sweet memories. Tears are healing. Allow yourself to grieve because if you don't it comes out in physical forms. I know this from personal experience after losing my daughter. I tried to keep myself extra busy and not think about the loss. I started to hyperventilate and became anxious. I was told by my Doctor that I had unresolved grief and I needed to see a counselor. After a year of talking... and the counselor just let me pour my heart out, I stopped hyperventilating and became less anxious. It's always helpful too to let go and let God!

Smitty
at 83 I am experiencing the same losses and I also take care of my wife with Alzheimers late stage.
I do not worry much about my own mortality.
I place my concern on the life I am living as it is the only thing I can have any input on and I worry about the path my wife needs to travel.
There are times I feel some depression.
What helps me is I try to as much as possible to place my mind on the present moment each moment of each day.
The issue of God and death I view as irrelevant as there is absolutely nothing I can do about them.
I try to trust my innate moral compass and loving kindness each moment to show me the way to live.
I wish you all the best
Buddha

Buddha, In retrospect I paralleled your experience when caring for my wife. At the outset, I realized her disease (Dementia) could only be managed. And that I needed to take care of me so she hopefully would pass before me. That is exactly what happened. Lucky for both of us. It has been two years since she died. Fortunately my health is still good enough that I can do what I enjoy doing. I am enjoying my final chapter. Do I wish she were still with me, even in her demented state - absolutely. Being the two of us had the Conversation about our end of life preferences, I felt comfortable being her advocate. I feel having the Conversation, as unsettling as it may be, is Soooo important. She was an amazing person. The best to you.