I have received so much support on this board that I hesitate to write honestly about how I am doing. I also do not want to make anyone feel worse. I also want to be honest. So, I will try to report without influencing.

I am quite depressed. Seven on a scale of zero to ten. What that means to me is that I think about suicide all the time but am not prepared to risk making my life worse.

I am still quite anxious again, seven out ten. This is especially troubling as I have not had this kind of anxiety before.

I am not sleeping. I have no trouble falling asleep. I wake up every two hours. I never get more than two hours uninterrupted.

I do not believe my providers really know what to do. In fact my research has convinced me that no one really knows what to do. I do not believe they even know what is going on with me.

I believe the lack of sleep is feeding the anxiety and depression. I believe that very high level of medications I have been on for fifteen years are responsible for my sleep disturbances. My sleep problems started two years after being put on medication. My doctor actually said "two hours at a time is fine as long as you are getting a total of eight". My providers are trying to treat the depression with Lithium and the anxiety with Buspar. They have me taking Seroquel for sleep and it is not working. I do not intend on continuing it as it has terrible side effects. I take Benadryl for anxiety because they will not give me Ativan any more, even though they had me on three milligrams a day until I stopped it. I have requested .5 twice a day. No one is addressing the sleep disturbances. I believe that the depression and anxiety will decrease or perhaps even go away if I can get get a good nights sleep.

I do not believe the life has any intrinsic meaning. I believe that my best years are behind me. I believe that very few people would be negatively affected by my death. My friend would miss me. My mother could mourn me. My sisters would be relieved. My ex-wife would be relieved as the truth of our parting would be less likely to come out. My children have not had any knowledge of me for over ten years. Reuniting with their disgraced dad is probably not high on their list. And my ex-wife and children would get my disability income, which is actually quite substantial. So all in all my death wouldn't even be a blip in the universe.

I am trying to get a second opinion on my condition but as many of you know getting an appointment with a mental health provider is not easy, unless of course one goes to the emergency room and waits, untreated, to get into a facility. I will never go back to the emergency room. It's like going to the local jail and asking them to lock me up.

Unfortunately I do not have access to a quick and painless way to end my life. I try to follow a rule of not doing anything to make my situation worse. Given that rule, my only option is to keep trying to get well by working with the broken mental health care system.

Everyone on this board has been incredibly supportive. I want very much to post positive messages and I will continue to do so were I have something to offer. In the mean time I, like so many others will shuffle through my day hoping my life comes to an end soon.

My everyone live in good health and peace.