1. < Just Want to Talk

Lonely beyond words but autistic, dealing with death of only friend.

Posted by llymo5 @llymo5, Jan 3 8:02pm

I'm almost 47, female, comfortably married in the sense we absolutely love each other and work very well as a parenting partnership, but most of the time I do not feel like we are friends. I have three 2 legger kids, all teenagers, and two 4 legger kids (my beloved giant breed dogs).

My best and only friend of over 25 years died yesterday after being diagnosed with terminal cancer two months ago and then having a MASSIVE stroke that left her pretty much done for the last month. She has been my sounding board, my one woman support group for 25+ years. I'm autistic, I'm certain I'm not making more friends. Even her, I didn't make her as a friend. My first husband made friends with her back in the 90s and when he and I divorced, she never left my side.
I miss her terribly. I miss hearing her voice, even as annoying as she could be at times. lol . When I went through my own personal hell a few years ago, she was RIGHT there holding me up and listening. I don't have anyone anymore. I can't talk to my husband. He's a lot like me in the social skills sense, but it's like he's apathetic in this regard. He pats me on the shoulder when I cry and says he's sorry, and I know he's trying to comfort me. He just doesn't know how.

I don't have family that I will speak to, or that will speak to me, for one reason or another. I feel lost. I'm not normally like this. I'm normally fine (better than happy) with limited personal interaction outside of my little bubble. I feel like my bubble has popped though. YEARS ago I used to chat with people online via sites like Tumblr or other special interest groups, but even those don't feel right. I work from home, don't really leave the house more than one or two times a month to run to a store or two, husband drives because my vision and health have gotten worse.
My dogs and kids are my life. I have a professional career that I now conduct via web and phone only, so they never see my face anymore. Also good by me. So yeah, today I found myself looking for online support groups for people who just want to talk or have online friendships. Here I am. I'll probably fail at this too, lol, but dammit, what else do I do?

Interested in more discussions like this? Go to the Just Want to Talk Support Group.

scs23 | @scs23 | Jan 11 1:42pm
In reply to @llymo5 "Good morning. *Sighs* Thank you for thinking of me. I'm struggling with whether or not I..." + (show)
@llymo5

Good morning. *Sighs* Thank you for thinking of me. I'm struggling with whether or not I want to or even can physically/emotionally deal with going to her graveside service tomorrow. Her mother told me about it a week ago. I have more issues than National Geographic. It's an hour our of town, each way, and I don't really drive anymore because my vision is bad. I can drive ok around town (I drive maybe 7 miles a month) once in a while if I'm feeling well because I don't have to look way out in the horizon, in town you look closer to you. But on a freeway it's stressfull. TECHNICALLY I can see. I still have my DL. But it's a lot of strain and stress. Then put on that I have night blindness that made me never drive after dark even when my health/eyes were good, and the service begins at 3, which means I'm going to be driving in the dark at some point home more than likely. I have no friends or family other than my husband, who has to pick up our 3 kids from school during that time. That's just the physical side of it. Then there's the emotional side.
Her mother sent me a link to her obituary and told me to look at it. I said thank you and without thinking I clicked. I was upstairs alone and seeing her beautiful face on an "Obituary" page hit me like a knife to the stomach. I gasped "F**K!" and started crying. It was so bad that my husband came running upstairs because he thought I'd been hurt.

I don't honestly don't think I can go to a GRAVESIDE service. I'm almost 47 and have never done that in my life. I've attended ONE memorial service at a church before. I don't think I can take it and don't think I should be there. And I really don't think I should go through all of that emotionally while putting my physical well being at risk by driving, possibly at night, long distance, alone. And yet....Don't I have to go? I'm so torn. How do do this? My husband reminding me that funerals are for the living. Yeah. I feel like I should not go, but that also makes me feel like a shit friend.

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Your friend sounds like an amazing person. I don't think she'd want you to put yourself or your well-being at risk by attending. I'm sure she'd rather you grieve and pay your respects in ways that are more comfortable for you. Maybe you can visit the grave site on your own time, when your husband is able to drive you. It might be easier too, when there aren't so many people around.

REPLY
1 reply
celia16 | @celia16 | Jan 11 6:52pm

My normal policy is no more funerals. That’s because they make me feel horrible and serve no purpose, imo. I have given instructions for an informal brunch to remember me with my favorite music to be played. Early, in the day for those who don’t drive at night. I’m not sure why people schedule events for late in the day. The deer in our area are rampant. Plus, it’s unsafe to drive in certain weather conditions at night.

If you feel uncomfortable going for any reason, you are justified in not attending. I see a trend in a decrease in funeral services, even graveside rights. Normally, graveside rights are pretty short and often less than 30 minutes, in my area of the country.

One of my best friend’s mom is very ill. I am expecting her to pass away soon. I feel obligated to attend the funeral, but I’m not positive I will. It will be a 4 hour drive each way. And, the church is huge. Hundreds of people will be in attendance. I am considering going to the wake (often done an hour before the service)/ and giving my condolences and leaving. Plus, the germs in the air concern me. I am immunocompromised, have post covid syndrome and just got over a terrible cold, so I think my friend would understand. I’ll also make a generous donation to her mom’s favorite charity, in her name. I don’t drive at night either.

I’m sure whatever you decide will be something your friend would understand.

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covidstinks2023 | @covidstinks2023 | Jan 12 9:31am

llymao5, Praying for you. How are you coping? Blessings & Hugs....I care.

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llymo5 | @llymo5 | Jan 12 10:09am
In reply to @scs23 "Your friend sounds like an amazing person. I don't think she'd want you to put yourself..." + (show)
@scs23

Your friend sounds like an amazing person. I don't think she'd want you to put yourself or your well-being at risk by attending. I'm sure she'd rather you grieve and pay your respects in ways that are more comfortable for you. Maybe you can visit the grave site on your own time, when your husband is able to drive you. It might be easier too, when there aren't so many people around.

Jump to this post

Your comment, about going to the grave on my own time really struck the chord. I also know that Kelli knew me well enough, and my avoidance of a lot of situations, that she would understand. It's today at 3 and I've already told her mom I can't be there and why. She said she'd miss me being there but that she "COMPLETELY" understands. Yeah, I'm a mom and I wouldn't wish losing a child on a worst enemy. My heart breaks for her mom. If it had been a Celebration of Life, (and obviously at a different time so I could be driven) I would have been much more open to the experience. I've decided that I don't do funerals. I never want to be buried, just cremate me and have a celebration of my life.

REPLY
3 replies
rashida | @rashida | Jan 12 1:20pm
In reply to @llymo5 "Good morning. *Sighs* Thank you for thinking of me. I'm struggling with whether or not I..." + (show)
@llymo5

Good morning. *Sighs* Thank you for thinking of me. I'm struggling with whether or not I want to or even can physically/emotionally deal with going to her graveside service tomorrow. Her mother told me about it a week ago. I have more issues than National Geographic. It's an hour our of town, each way, and I don't really drive anymore because my vision is bad. I can drive ok around town (I drive maybe 7 miles a month) once in a while if I'm feeling well because I don't have to look way out in the horizon, in town you look closer to you. But on a freeway it's stressfull. TECHNICALLY I can see. I still have my DL. But it's a lot of strain and stress. Then put on that I have night blindness that made me never drive after dark even when my health/eyes were good, and the service begins at 3, which means I'm going to be driving in the dark at some point home more than likely. I have no friends or family other than my husband, who has to pick up our 3 kids from school during that time. That's just the physical side of it. Then there's the emotional side.
Her mother sent me a link to her obituary and told me to look at it. I said thank you and without thinking I clicked. I was upstairs alone and seeing her beautiful face on an "Obituary" page hit me like a knife to the stomach. I gasped "F**K!" and started crying. It was so bad that my husband came running upstairs because he thought I'd been hurt.

I don't honestly don't think I can go to a GRAVESIDE service. I'm almost 47 and have never done that in my life. I've attended ONE memorial service at a church before. I don't think I can take it and don't think I should be there. And I really don't think I should go through all of that emotionally while putting my physical well being at risk by driving, possibly at night, long distance, alone. And yet....Don't I have to go? I'm so torn. How do do this? My husband reminding me that funerals are for the living. Yeah. I feel like I should not go, but that also makes me feel like a shit friend.

Jump to this post

@llymo5 I agree with @scs23 and @celia16 that your friend - who knew you so well - would not want you to be under any more stress than you already are. You don’t have to live up to anyone’s expectations - ever! Attending a funeral is not the only way you can honour your friend’s memory. Do not go to the funeral, and don’t let anyone or anything guilt you into doing so. Your friend would understand that better than anyone else out there. Honour her memory in ways that feel comfortable - and comforting - to you.

REPLY
edsutton | @edsutton | Jan 12 1:48pm
In reply to @llymo5 "Your comment, about going to the grave on my own time really struck the chord. I..." + (show)
@llymo5

Your comment, about going to the grave on my own time really struck the chord. I also know that Kelli knew me well enough, and my avoidance of a lot of situations, that she would understand. It's today at 3 and I've already told her mom I can't be there and why. She said she'd miss me being there but that she "COMPLETELY" understands. Yeah, I'm a mom and I wouldn't wish losing a child on a worst enemy. My heart breaks for her mom. If it had been a Celebration of Life, (and obviously at a different time so I could be driven) I would have been much more open to the experience. I've decided that I don't do funerals. I never want to be buried, just cremate me and have a celebration of my life.

Jump to this post

llymo, I'm so glad you decided not to go. I wish I'd checked in and written so yesterday.
The friendship with your friend is something very personal. There's no need for you to make public displays. Maybe some day you can talk with her mother about how much her daughter means to you.
You understand your feelings very well, and please honor them.
I've had wonderful experiences at celebrations of life. One friend arranged for her celebration to be held a few weeks before her death from cancer. She said "I want to be there so I can enjoy it!" And she was and she did.

REPLY
1 reply
scs23 | @scs23 | Jan 13 8:30am
In reply to @llymo5 "Your comment, about going to the grave on my own time really struck the chord. I..." + (show)
@llymo5

Your comment, about going to the grave on my own time really struck the chord. I also know that Kelli knew me well enough, and my avoidance of a lot of situations, that she would understand. It's today at 3 and I've already told her mom I can't be there and why. She said she'd miss me being there but that she "COMPLETELY" understands. Yeah, I'm a mom and I wouldn't wish losing a child on a worst enemy. My heart breaks for her mom. If it had been a Celebration of Life, (and obviously at a different time so I could be driven) I would have been much more open to the experience. I've decided that I don't do funerals. I never want to be buried, just cremate me and have a celebration of my life.

Jump to this post

Good morning @llymo5 I can imagine that yesterday was a rough day regardless. How are you doing today? I'm happy to hear that her mom was so understanding. Hopefully the two of you will keep in touch and share memories. Do you like crafty projects? How about making a photo album? A real one, not just a digital collection. I miss the old ways of creating art, so much is digital now, and I'm not a fan. I'd like to make a photo/memory project of my cancer journey. This past year has been a rollercoaster, and sometimes I still think, "Is this really happening to me?" I've experienced so many things that I never thought I would. But I just take it one day at a time and do my best to do something enjoyable every day.

REPLY
rashida | @rashida | Jan 13 1:04pm
In reply to @edsutton "llymo, I'm so glad you decided not to go. I wish I'd checked in and written..." + (show)
@edsutton

llymo, I'm so glad you decided not to go. I wish I'd checked in and written so yesterday.
The friendship with your friend is something very personal. There's no need for you to make public displays. Maybe some day you can talk with her mother about how much her daughter means to you.
You understand your feelings very well, and please honor them.
I've had wonderful experiences at celebrations of life. One friend arranged for her celebration to be held a few weeks before her death from cancer. She said "I want to be there so I can enjoy it!" And she was and she did.

Jump to this post

@edsutton what a great idea! How did your friend go about a celebration of life while she was living? What is involved in planning this kind of celebration?

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1 reply
edsutton | @edsutton | Jan 13 2:30pm
In reply to @rashida "@edsutton what a great idea! How did your friend go about a celebration of life while..." + (show)
@rashida

@edsutton what a great idea! How did your friend go about a celebration of life while she was living? What is involved in planning this kind of celebration?

Jump to this post

Rashida- Jen was a Quaker. They arranged for the memorial to be a continuation of the Sunday morning meeting.

REPLY
Lynne Marie | @lbrockme | Jan 15 11:01am
In reply to @llymo5 "Your comment, about going to the grave on my own time really struck the chord. I..." + (show)
@llymo5

Your comment, about going to the grave on my own time really struck the chord. I also know that Kelli knew me well enough, and my avoidance of a lot of situations, that she would understand. It's today at 3 and I've already told her mom I can't be there and why. She said she'd miss me being there but that she "COMPLETELY" understands. Yeah, I'm a mom and I wouldn't wish losing a child on a worst enemy. My heart breaks for her mom. If it had been a Celebration of Life, (and obviously at a different time so I could be driven) I would have been much more open to the experience. I've decided that I don't do funerals. I never want to be buried, just cremate me and have a celebration of my life.

Jump to this post

Just checking in to see how you are holding up . Praying your memories bring you comfort

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