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Chronic Pain members - Welcome, please introduce yourself
Chronic Pain | Last Active: 14 hours ago | Replies (7067)Comment receiving replies
@sunnyflower
Hi Sunny. Wow, two otherwise good hearted, giving daughters who act less than good hearted and charitable toward you, their mom? Seems weird. I have been reading "The Brain that Changes Itself" by Norman Doidge. One concept that comes across is that during childhood the brain develops certain models of behavior that get locked in during what is referred to as the "critical period". Depending on what kinds of things are going on in their lives at that time, it's possible for behaviors to be locked in that seem unusual or abnormal now but that can be explained by what they imprinted when very young, such as the effects of the marital issues as exhibited to them by you and your first husband. That might help to understand why they act so coldly toward you now, i.e. locked-in responses from their youth. They might not even be aware of how differently they are acting toward you.Just a thought to try to explain the inexplicable. I know it doesn't make it any easier to take. Best, Hank
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Hi Hank,
My daughters act very loving toward me. They hug me and tell me they love me when we see each other or talk. They expound on their love for me in cards at holidays, birthday etc., telling me what a great mom and grandmother I am, through the years. They also do acts of love for me such as bringing me disinfectant sprays, wipes, etc. once in a while.
Every time I've been in the hospital, they and my 2 sons visit. For all my surgeries they've been there to be with me before they take me in, in the super early mornings. They have even asked for and got disinfectant from the nurses/housekeeping to clean the room I went to after surgery before I got there!
They have even come to help change my wound or post-op dressings that I couldn't reach. My husband has bad eyes.
These acts of love I've mentioned are few and far between but have meant so much to me!
The only thing they don't do very often is help me. If I asked, they will if they can but I don't like to ask bc I know they are so busy. And now, especially since hearing one daughter allude the other said they should be careful not to enable me while discussing a schedule to come help me, I don't want to ask even more.
Like I said, I believe they rest on the fact that I have such a loving husband who is so helpful.
So I think it's a multilayered thing. It's very hard to explain.
I think my therapist was spot on when she said they don't want to have to think about me being ill and losing me. They know I lost my mom unexpectedly when I was 10.
I think I could ask more but am so concerned about being a burden and fear they may distance themselves if I start asking. I did ask for my granddaughter to come help purge and wipe down the food cupboards but the response I got from my daughter was that she isn't good at that so I didn't pursue it any further.
I shouldn't have said anything bc the situation is so multifaceted and I don't want anyone feeling bad for me.
It does bother my husband as well. Mother-daughter relationships can be very fragile. I think I have it better than a lot of people but there is room for improvement.
I can only control myself and keep showing my love to them. And, try to stop personalizing and remember that they are dealing with a lot of their own family issues. issues.
Thanks to everyone for your concerns and support.
Much appreciation, Sunnyflower 😊