Good morning. *Sighs* Thank you for thinking of me. I'm struggling with whether or not I want to or even can physically/emotionally deal with going to her graveside service tomorrow. Her mother told me about it a week ago. I have more issues than National Geographic. It's an hour our of town, each way, and I don't really drive anymore because my vision is bad. I can drive ok around town (I drive maybe 7 miles a month) once in a while if I'm feeling well because I don't have to look way out in the horizon, in town you look closer to you. But on a freeway it's stressfull. TECHNICALLY I can see. I still have my DL. But it's a lot of strain and stress. Then put on that I have night blindness that made me never drive after dark even when my health/eyes were good, and the service begins at 3, which means I'm going to be driving in the dark at some point home more than likely. I have no friends or family other than my husband, who has to pick up our 3 kids from school during that time. That's just the physical side of it. Then there's the emotional side.
Her mother sent me a link to her obituary and told me to look at it. I said thank you and without thinking I clicked. I was upstairs alone and seeing her beautiful face on an "Obituary" page hit me like a knife to the stomach. I gasped "F**K!" and started crying. It was so bad that my husband came running upstairs because he thought I'd been hurt.

I don't honestly don't think I can go to a GRAVESIDE service. I'm almost 47 and have never done that in my life. I've attended ONE memorial service at a church before. I don't think I can take it and don't think I should be there. And I really don't think I should go through all of that emotionally while putting my physical well being at risk by driving, possibly at night, long distance, alone. And yet....Don't I have to go? I'm so torn. How do do this? My husband reminding me that funerals are for the living. Yeah. I feel like I should not go, but that also makes me feel like a shit friend.