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Chronic Pain members - Welcome, please introduce yourself
Chronic Pain | Last Active: 18 hours ago | Replies (7067)Comment receiving replies
Very well said @faithwalker007 . It can also be of value to not say we feel a certain way rather we have observed such and such.
A little bit off subject but in regard to family members or friends or people in our lives that need to adjust their expectations of us, it can be beneficial to show them the list of your medical conditions and diseases and point out specifically which ones are painful in nature. If the people care about you and you care about your relationship with them, you could say that you felt you needed something from them and that was to understand your situation so that they can adjust their expectations and then show them the list. That way, you are almost put into the position to have to show them to make for the best relationship. You have not accused them of doing any thing wrong rather it is something you need from them and important to you because you value the relationship.
I had to do this with my daughters at separate times but was resentful because they put me in the position to have to validate myself. I spoke to this some time ago when one of my daughters said she had talked with the other and they had agreed they would take turns coming every other week or so to help me with things. When it never happened, the daughter who told me about it, alluded to the fact that the other had said that they wanted to be careful they did not enable me.
They knew about all my doctor appointments, Diagnostics, procedures, surgeries and illnesses for years so that should have been enough and that really hurt me and made me resentful.
It could be a very helpful thing to do what I did only before resentment builds.
Blessings, Sunnyflower
Replies to "Very well said @faithwalker007 . It can also be of value to not say we feel..."
@sunnyflower It hurt you that your daughters alluded that, "they did not want to enable" you and caused resentment between the three of you.
You are carrying heavy emotional burdens that I imagine a therapist could help you sort through. I'm not sure where your daughters are coming from. For now I'll give them the benefit of the doubt and say that there may be a misunderstanding or that it is easier for them to blame you for your illness than deal with the grief of your diminished quality of life. A therapist may also be able to mediate between you and your daughters and help clear up any misunderstandings.
I'm wondering if you'd consider seeing a therapist virtually?
@sunnyflower Hi there, Sunny. My heart breaks that you even had to feel you needed lists to share with your daughters to defend yourself and prove you need their help and their love. This is so awful, so unnatural. Good, caring daughters would be attune to you, naturally. This just kills me inside. And to then write to us, telling us here that a daughter said she spoke with her other siblings and they said they did not want to be "enabling?" How sick do you have to get, before they just help you? This infuriates me. You poor, poor, lady. I am sure they will say how much they loved you after you are gone. Just words. Love should be practiced and witnessed while we are still alive. I am heartsick from your daughters, Sunny. You give so much. And by the way, I have only one son, and he is no better. Perhaps I did something wrong as a parent, a long time ago, because he doesn't seem to connect with my pain at all. If he does, he does not show it. My love to you, Sunny. Lori Renee
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Family is hard. My parents finally believe the pain I’m in but they are here in town. My brother still believes I am exaggerating and my son has lived with my husband’s pain and surgeries his whole life. He compares mine to his which are not the same. CRPS is worse but I gave up.
My other family ignores it and pretend I’m “fine.” They are not in the same state or region but I really wish they would try harder to understand and read about it because they could give mom and dad support.