Thank you. I appreciate your explanation as it makes things clearer in my mind. You are correct in that there are still many instances when I feel that I do not want to go on without him. We did things together that are now gone forever. We had a cruise planned which I had to cancel. We did a lot of cruising during our marriage and have been all over the world. Cruising alone does not appeal to me. However a friend, also a widow, and I have done a short cruise together. We had a good time and managed to stay friends. (Big laugh here.) Now we are going on another cruise in the summer. When you speak about what you write, those are the things I say out loud. I talk to him and basically it is in the same vein as what you write. In my case I had other problems going on of which I was not aware until I started therapy. I have a wonderful therapist. She "gets" me. I have a diagnosis of complex PTSD because of an abusive childhood. I still have the scars from that period of my life. I finally left my home to start a new life. I don't know where I found the courage and strength to do so, but it was either that or die. One of the lingering effects is that it is hard for me to meet people and socialize. With my husband by my side this was not a problem during all those years. With him gone it has surfaced again. Another point of contention that adds to my grief was that he was not dying. He fell down twice while going to the bathroom at night. I got a walker and begged and pleaded with him to use the walker to walk the few steps to the bathroom. He refused and fell again. This time he broke his femur and was dead within three months. So there is a lot of anger in the mix. At this point my feelings are jumbled and mixed. Some days are okay but most are not. I am already 89 so realistically how much time do I have? No one knows. Is it tough being alone. There are groups here but I cannot bring myself to join. I guess I will just have to take each day as it comes and see what happens.