Good morning, Marilyn.

As I read some of your posts, Marilyn, it was my impression that you didn't want to go on without your husband. I could not find the post when you said that your husband passed away. The posts that I have read indicate that the deep pain is way too much. I can understand why you have felt such a deep loss. You were married for a very long time, starting at an early age.

I think that the reason that I mentioned holding on to your grief was not getting an impression of you wanting to go on. And you have stated this yourself. I'm not judging you and haven't meant to.

I have wanted to hold on to every little thing about my marriage. Some of that has been wondering if some of my decisions were based on what David would have thought. But I couldn't have wanted to move ahead with my life if I continued thinking this way. My counselor said to me, " he's not here anymore; it's your life and your decisions in how you live it."

Living my life and making decisions are important but difficult when I've only known to share them with someone. This is the way I have moved on, slowly but still ahead. It's also lessened the deep pain that I have felt. It doesn't mean that I have forgotten him. And no matter how much time I have left without him (I'm a lung cancer survivor), I will be doing what I want.

When I write, it is sometimes for enjoyment. I'm not in an emotionally strong position to be positive and jolly. I don't call it journaling. I call it writing. I write in a book meant for writing, on napkins, scraps of paper, and anything available. But when I write about my feelings about losing David, I address them to him on paper. This is so very hard. This is the only thing way I can loosen that tight chest pain, the headaches, and sleepless nights.

When I write, I let it all out: my anger at all sorts of things, my great love, and even new feelings. Sometimes, I write so fast that I can't read my writing the next time I look at it. But none of that matters. I feel better. And I might need to address things more than once or twice.

I hope that you can release some of your grief. No matter how old you are, you have reached out for support. I hope that sharing some ways that I deal with this pain will help you.

Merry