Lonely beyond words but autistic, dealing with death of only friend.

Hi there, I lost a very dear friend and soulmate to cancer a few years ago and I remember walking around sad and upset for days (weeks?), angry at the world for taking such a precious and vivacious human being way before her time. Then one day when i was out walking my dog, it hit me like a ton of bricks that she would want me to live fully and completely and even do the things that she was no longer able to do, here to do. Not sure if that’s any help at all, but i’m 100% certain your friend would want you to keep living life fully and energetically. And maybe even do some of her favorite things to honor her memory.

Hi @llymo5 I'm so sorry for your loss. I'm a 42 year old female, married, no kids, diagnosed with a very rare cancer about a year ago. It's been a hellish rollercoaster of a year. I have great support from my husband, family, and friends, but I do prefer to keep to myself most of the time. I feel like I'm bad at socializing and being chatty. I'm more comfortable sitting in silence or having meaningful, deep conversations one on one. My husband is definitely the social one in our relationship, works well for us though. I don't do social media sites and mayo connect is the only support group I've ever tried. I was a little unsure at first but there are so many supportive people here. It's comforting knowing there's others out there going through similar circumstances. Take care of yourself and if you ever want to message me, please don't hesitate.

Man, that’s so sad. I’m so sorry for your loss. Your friend sounds like an amazing person, Your grief is understandable.

I lost a dear friend that I had known for over 30 years right before covid. I miss him everyday. I keep in contact with his mom and we talk about him and our feelings. That helps me. I also talk about him with our mutual friends. I keep his memory alive and for me that provides some comfort. I still miss him every day. It was so unfair. He was a jewel of a person. I try to live the way he did.

I think support groups can be useful and I use them. As a type I diabetic, who’s been dealing with neurological symptoms and diagnosed with post covid syndrome, online support has been vital. But, the best treatment that I had gotten for myself was talk therapy with a therapist (we meet online) and daily exercise. (I go to a gym.). I mainly work from home, but going to the gym provides me something special. I don’t have to speak to anyone, unless I want to, but there are smiles, kind eyes and a welcoming feeling that help me feel better each day. It creates endorphins that help me cope with physical and mental pain. I spoke with my primary before starting my workouts who gave me the go ahead. I also met a friend at the gym.

I think grief counseling can come in many forms.

I am so sorry about the loss of your dear friend and confidant. Grief is a hard thing to process for anyone, especially as it happened so quickly. Grief also can make us isolate even more then we already do. It makes us feel alone. To feel separated. For you as your natural tendency is already to feel disconnected from others, this makes it even harder. Autism dx does include difficulty initiating and relating with others, but it is not impossible. You do have relationships, but just don't feel as connected as you desire, or in the way you need.
I would suggest looking into a grief counselor who can perhaps help you navigate that process first and then perhaps later building closer relationships. You can find online counselors now , so that could be a start for you.
I am so sorry for the loss of you friend. Sending you hugs and prayers.

God Bless You precious one! Grief is hard. Grief is not "moving forward" but "carrying on" as best as you can daily. I had two precious friends to go home to be with the Lord 8 months apart in 2019 and I still miss them dearly. I pray for a faithful friend to come your way. No, it won't replace the one you had, but, a faithful friend still. I also am praying for you. I care.

I feel like you, I also lost my sister-friend on covid season 2020. I will never forget her. blessings to you.

Hello @rebeka822 and welcome to Connect. I'm so sorry to hear of your loss. I'm sure that you will never forget her, she will live on in your memories.

Often, talking about your loss can be very helpful. Would you like to share something about your sister-friend?

I look forward to getting to know you. Will you share as you are comfortable doing so?

Thanks for responding. I will share as I go along. Thank you mayo clinic for having these discussions and compassion for all with illnesses and recovery and hope. Blessings to all.

Hi @llymo5 You have been in my thoughts. I was just wondering how you're holding up?

Good morning. *Sighs* Thank you for thinking of me. I'm struggling with whether or not I want to or even can physically/emotionally deal with going to her graveside service tomorrow. Her mother told me about it a week ago. I have more issues than National Geographic. It's an hour our of town, each way, and I don't really drive anymore because my vision is bad. I can drive ok around town (I drive maybe 7 miles a month) once in a while if I'm feeling well because I don't have to look way out in the horizon, in town you look closer to you. But on a freeway it's stressfull. TECHNICALLY I can see. I still have my DL. But it's a lot of strain and stress. Then put on that I have night blindness that made me never drive after dark even when my health/eyes were good, and the service begins at 3, which means I'm going to be driving in the dark at some point home more than likely. I have no friends or family other than my husband, who has to pick up our 3 kids from school during that time. That's just the physical side of it. Then there's the emotional side.
Her mother sent me a link to her obituary and told me to look at it. I said thank you and without thinking I clicked. I was upstairs alone and seeing her beautiful face on an "Obituary" page hit me like a knife to the stomach. I gasped "F**K!" and started crying. It was so bad that my husband came running upstairs because he thought I'd been hurt.

I don't honestly don't think I can go to a GRAVESIDE service. I'm almost 47 and have never done that in my life. I've attended ONE memorial service at a church before. I don't think I can take it and don't think I should be there. And I really don't think I should go through all of that emotionally while putting my physical well being at risk by driving, possibly at night, long distance, alone. And yet....Don't I have to go? I'm so torn. How do do this? My husband reminding me that funerals are for the living. Yeah. I feel like I should not go, but that also makes me feel like a shit friend.