My story is so very long. I am getting counseling so I would like to think I am dealing with my anxiety fairly well? I guess that’s why I am writing, to ask how and what I can do differently!! But first I have to give you more of my story. Please forgive me for any mistakes I make writing I have SLE (Lupus, HPOA, RA, my trachea collapses every time I exhale, and tuners on my spine.). It’s hard I get tried easy.

Ok as I was growing up I was called a crybaby all the time. My dad would say come on 1Pjf cry come on cry, he would just keep on and on!! Wouldn’t stop! But he would do this in front on my uncles, aunts, and friends it was so embarrassing he wouldn’t stop that finally I would cry. After I started to cry he would call me a crybaby and hit me on my head send me to my room. He and my family called me fat all the time! I was 106 pounds at 20 and I still called fat in-font of friends and people I didn’t know. I was very fat, in fact my sisters were heavier than me?
My older sister and I wanted to go hunting with my cousins during deer hunting season. We asked dad for years if we could come, finally he said yes. Only one could come, he picked me. My sister being the older one was really upset! It made me feel so good. The next day, dad didn’t meet up with his big hunting buddies? We went into the woods by ourselves? He took me right to 3 bar wire fence, I couldn’t climb over it or go underneath it because of the deep snow. I asked dad for help, he said you wanted to come you deal with it. By the time I made it to the other side, dad was almost out of sight, but I couldn’t keep up the snow was to deep! And now the hunters dad hunts with are shooting and don’t even know I am out there. I remember praying so hard and crying. That’s why he picked me!
It was like that all my life, he would say things like, you know 1Pjf, and she would never amount to anything, do something with your hair, take off that make up. I had to buy my own clothes, shampoo , shoe, at age 13. I had to burrow my mom money but a lot of times she didn’t pay me back. I babysit. They made me give my older sister money. I worked really hard for my money but I could never feel secure with my money.
My sisters could never do anything wrong, I could never do anything right. I was afraid of heights they would make me do things that I would just shake. Playing games they all would pick on me, I would go in my closet at night and cry plus pray and hard that God would take me!! There is so much so much! But now I am 16 and my grandfather sexually abused me for the last time, this affects me hard. I didn’t tell anyone who would I tell? I spin and loose who I am. But I am starting to look nice and guys notice me. I can’t date guys longer the once or twice in fear of sexual assault again. I finally meet my husband, but I try to brake up with him all the time. I didn’t think I could be a wife. I thought he was a great guy! It was all about who I was! Finally I tell him, he treats me like I was gold. We talked and talked he understood everything, he was my answer to my prayers!, Gods gift to me! I can’t tell you how great of a guy he is!!
But my family still can’t leave me alone? Dad calls the cops on me said I was steeling. I never stool ! He sat in his living room with rifles next to his chair. And bullets next too them. He was always bad at me, but we were the only ones that would help him. He would call me up any day and start swearing at me I couldn’t say a word and he would end every call with. I bought you into this world I can take you out. Mom would make up lies then call my sisters tell them I did this or that and always believe her! My mom even called the cops told them I was going to kill myself and I have guns. They closed my road, and there were cops all over my neighborhood pointing guns at my house. The called my husband home from work, but I wasn’t even home . But the cops were there waiting for me . Now my mom husband die, in the obituary she listed her daughters I wasn’t listed, but my kids were? There is so much more! I stayed silence. And yet they can’t give me up. I can’t understand it.