I feel incredibly hopeless.

So, should I have a glass of wine and cigarette tomorrow night? I’m sort of serious, in case it might help.

Columbia univ professor Carl Hart(?) author of Drug use For Adults essentially tells us that drugs do not have to become what is called dependency-leading to what is an unhealthy habit; people can responsibly enjoy it and carry on with their normal lives.
Personally I've never been dependent on neither cigarettes nor alcohol (beer). Some time I have two bears over two consecutive days and other times not one in a whole week or two.
Essentially, such 'pleasures' are in the same category as cakes, sports betting or lottery games, even compulsive sex and shopping. It's Deficit of Healthy Pleasures -- of buoyant friendships, challenges of finding a new insight into a social problem, delicious healthy foods and restful sleeps, Sprinkle that with capacity to wonder in this life of ours on a solitary planet in a vast expanding universe and I have enough pleasure for a week. This is the antidote for addictions of all kinds. Alcohol, drugs are just the mediums-of-transitory escapes.

Here's a piece in the Times about pain, by an accredited professional and writer: https://www.nytimes.com/2023/12/24/opinion/pain-crisis-opioid-addiction.html

Please see my post below in reply to cekkk, who actually has a legitimate question: Is a life with one set of condition truly superior or better than the other he is proposing. It's a question I've grappled with off and on over the years, to understand a philosophic position: We all die at the right time (Nietzsche?)

Yes, I'd be glad to discuss further, even over phone if necessary.

I want to thank everyone for your awesome words of encouragement & I’m sorry we have all been brought here under such poor circumstances, but I’m glad there is a community to make us feel less alone.

Many asked about Lyme & I was tested for Lyme Disease which was negative.

Sadly, my PCP fired me as a patient a few weeks ago because she found out I asked for a second opinion. (This was because she had told me to try Mayo Clinic because she was out of ideas even though she put forth zero effort in even finding a diagnosis, but I digress)
Apparently both doctors are under the same network & she was alerted to it somehow. All I was told was that she is severing ties with me because there were “negative connotations” in the notes from the other doctor & because of that, she no longer feels she can be my doctor. I was blindsided by this but more so just really confused because I KNOW I did not say a single negative thing about her during my visit. I mean, I’m not a 16 year old for crying out loud.

You see, having tattoos & being involved in the tattoo world for so long, I heard a long time ago from an artist that you NEVER speak badly about an artist to another artist because it only makes YOU look untrustworthy and difficult to work with. Some artists will not even work with you if you have that sort of behavior, which I don’t blame them. They just don’t put up with putting other artists down.
Anyways, that little tidbit has always stuck with me & I’ve since applied it to every other professional out there, including physicians. I simply would NEVER talk badly about a physician to another physician. Period.

I was able to get ahold of the notes from the visit & it only confirmed my suspicions that she was making it up. I truly believe she was just ready to cut ties with me because I would always request new testing & asked questions.

So, now I’m without a PCP with a chronic illness. I’m heartbroken, I’m offended, & honestly my feelings are hurt & I don’t like my character being questioned. But….whats done is done and I’m sure it was time for a new PCP anyways so maybe it’s a blessing in disguise. I’m not giving up yet. If anything I’ll survive purely out of spite. Lol.

Thank you all so very much for your kindness. I’m truly in awe of the kindness I’ve seen in this little community of complete strangers on the internet.

-🖤Morgan

It truly is a shock to be "fired" by a doctor isn't it? Until it happened to me a few years ago, I never even knew it was a possibility.

I love your positive attitude though, when you say"...I’m sure it was time for a new PCP anyways so maybe it’s a blessing in disguise..."

I know how hard it is to find a new provider, especially with a complex history. My PCP of over 20 years left primary care last December, and it took 3 tries this year to find the right match in a new provider, but now I am comfortable with the latest one, she "gets" that I am always going to want in depth answers and reasons and is very easy to talk to, just like my previous person.

I wish you luck in finding the right person!
Sue

Whatever is true, whatever is noble, what ever is right…think on these things. Philipians 4:8

I agree that you’re sick and I’m not a doctor. You might want to try a medical clinic instead of a hospital or go to a different hospital. I pray that things get better for you!

I’d definitely skip the cig, but that glass of wine sounds pretty good!

I’m planning on a nice Malbec!

I really like Mumm Napa Blanc de Blanc….🥹