Good Afternoon

Why do you say that, Carl? Maybe the evening will be 10X better than the morning.

I think the point is not so much which one is better but that things change...

Change is sometimes good. Life constantly changes and we are learning and growing. Otherwise, how boring life would be.

in reply to @mikaylar In my mind, I think the gist of the piece by Jung, is that life is incredibly short and unpredictable. One never knows, especially now, if they will either get hit by a car, blown to pieces if they knock on the wrong door, or worse, pulled over by some ignorant cop who wants to admonish you for a broken tail light.

Geez, u are making it hard for me to see the good in life.

in reply to @mikaylar Seriously? The point is that life is short and so many things are unexpected, which is why I wake up each day with an abundance of gratitude. Every morning, "I got another day, someone else did not, there are people who would give their right arm to have what I have: running water, electricity, food, a roof over my head, friends who care about me...? I have a huge print on my wall that says, "NOTHING FOR GRANTED."
My mother used to tell me that there are no promises in life, and she was right. When I was with her when she was diagnosed with those multiple brain tumors, and the doctor told her she had 6 weeks to live, her response was, "well, I could step off a curb tomorrow and get hit by a car."
Life is what you make it, and only you have the power to make it the way you want.
We all suffer, we are all imperfect, we all have to rise above all the crap in this world and figure out a way to make it work for each of us. I have found what works for me. I may be dying, but I know I am going to die a very happy person, my body will go to science so they can figure out what was wrong with me and perhaps help others, and the only organ they can transplant are my corneas if they will allow someone to see. Afterall, I am an artist.

I did not mean to post the Carl Jung "afternoon of life" in an attempt to make anyone feel bad, I was simply posting it to point out that life is so unpredictable. Here is an example:

Yesterday morning I woke up at 0600 and looked at my voicemail and saw a message from the woman I take care of everyday. The message had been left at 1 am, and said the following, "Hi dear, I just fell and hit my head and I am seeing double, can you please call me in the morning to check on me? Sorry to bother you." I ran over to her apartment, imagining the worst possible outcome, but alas, she was alive. Startled because I woke her up, performed all these neurological tests that I could recall from a visit after I hit my own head on multiple occasions. She has a cracked rib but refuses to go to the doctor. I went to her apartment a total of 4 times yesterday and got home late last night. As a result of this terrible fall she is FINALLY using her walker. So, I guess it took her to have a terrible fall to understand that she needs the walker. This is my point, no guarantees, Each day is a gift.

Think about it. You only have to turn on the news at night and you see how short life is, front and center. Those folks in the Northeast whose car flew down an embankment during a catastrophic 100 year flood and killing them, may have just had a morning coffee and planning to go buy holiday gifts, but for whatever reason, they were swept away into the "outer limits." Now do you understand?

Hi @frances007! Appreciate what you wrote, your contributions along the way, and these most recent ones again.

I'm "in sync" with your spirit, though I - at least on a daily, or hour-to-hour basis - can't usually exhibit your go-to, get-to-it energy...but it is inspiring.

Not making it sound "lofty" or anything - I think you catch my drift - but I just wanted to truly give you my "you go, girl" in writing - and a smile is behind all the words.

Hope you are faring well, in spite of these ongoing life's obstacles, and know that you have some validation and moral support along the way.

Hugs!

Frances, your stories reminded me of this poem:

Through this toilsome world, alas!
Once and only once I pass,
If a kindness I may show,
If a good deed I may do
To a suffering fellow man,
Let me do it while I can.
No delay, for it is plain
I shall not pass this way again.
Anon

When I was a young girl in Catholic school, we often had missionaries - visiting priests speak to us. Most pretended we were just "little adults" and gave us the same sermon they would offer from the pulpit on Sunday morning - right over our 8 & 9 year old heads. A few took the time to tell real stories of their mission work, geared to the audience.

One magical storyteller started with this poem, then explained what it meant in terms that I "got" even as a child. He then handed out one of the ubiquitous "holy cards" but instead of the typical bio of a saint, it contained this poem. I carried it in my Sunday Missal right up until I went to college, and often pondered it.

Today, I say to you, "You get it!" Your life is not easy, but you are a true friend. Please guard your own health as you help your friend on her journey. You will know when the time has come to let go.
Hugs from your friend,
Sue

in response to @sueinmn Thanks Sue. As I read this with teary eyes, I appreciate your kind words and thoughts. I may have not been close to my mother by any stretch of imagination, but she instilled in my sisters and myself to "always do the right thing." "Make each day count." And then of course, the one I hate, "Pull yourself up by your bootstraps", which I actually spoke to my doctor about this week.

I remember when I first joined this site and posted my own feelings of hopelessness, a feeling of being helpless and essentially abandoned by my care team. I received so much positive feedback that enabled me to "suddenly" change from being the meek and "compliant" patient into a very strong advocate for myself. I wrote a private message to the director thanking her for this platform, expressing my gratitude for all of the wonderful comments and advice I had been given.

Later, I paused to reflect upon all of this and had this thought: "Imagine that, my entire outlook and personality has changed simply because I had received wonderful feedback from people I will never have the opportunity to thank in person. Complete strangers gave me just what I needed." As a result, I am a changed person. I no longer feel hopeless, but hopeful. I now demand answers. I am a better person, one who actually likes themselves, and often says out loud, "I am not perfect, but I am fairly close." No, I am not conceited, I am a person who thinks they are a terrific friend, loyal to a fault, honest to a fault (which is sometimes my downfall.) As a direct result of this platform I have made it my mission to encourage others to try to experience the same one I did when I reached out for help. I strive to help others "see the light" for lack of a better term.

Now back to those "bootstraps. For the first time since I got "sick" I went to the doctor, "as is." I wore no makeup, except lipstick, of course. I told her that I was tired of going to each of my appointments and minimizing my symptoms in an effort to cause my clinicians to "like me." So, I have taken off my mask and will keep it off everytime I go to the doctor, saying to myself, "this is not a fashion show, it is the doctor appointment." My appearance is "shocking" even to myself. Racoon eyes, somewhat emaciated, although the leggings do make me look quite swell, and not like the holocaust victim my friend told me I looked like as a result of the weight loss.
I have some kind of weird thing going on with my lips that now looks as though I received botox injections. After spending an hour or so online, I think I figured out what is wrong. The PA looks at me and says, "you have herpes, but you have no cold sores, and I am going to give you an antiviral drug to clear this up." I say, "Are you sure? Look at those labs that are now on the line just before they are "abnormal", and do you think that has anything to do with what is going on with my mouth?" Her response, "well they are within the "normal" range." Back and forth about normal v. abnormal, until I finally said, "okay, look at that recent urine test, it shows all kinds of red and white blood cells, yet the culture is negative. The fact that there are blood cells in my urine does not mean the test was "normal." She finally relented and said I was correct, "normal" is not always the same for everyone, but she went ahead and prescribed this antiviral drug that I took last night and made me sicker than a dog, really. I will refrain from the details, but suffice to say that when I woke up I had no idea where I was, what day it was, whether it was morning or evening, until I called my friend CJ and asked her if I had come over last night and prepared dinner for her. I have messaged the PA that I am not going to continue with this medication, but instead will self treat it with honey or anything to soothe my lips.

I sent a private message to someone last night asking them if they would like to communicate with me via email, as I have made a wonderful friend on this platform who emails me everyday, and I wanted to try to make another friend, telling her it was a real "leap of faith" to ask her to email me. The other woman I met on this site is 80 years old, lives in another country and we have found that we share so many commonalities. She has become a mentor to me, and as a result I spent the last of my money buying her a subscription to the Washington Post newspaper simply because I am always "gifting" her my free articles, and figured she would probably enjoy reading the paper in its entirety. I am writing all of this as an example of what I have discovered on this site. People who care and share many of the aspects of their lives with me. I make connections with strangers, yet these strangers have become my "friends." Friends that I know will continue to stand by me, encourage me and things of that nature.

This platform has truly been a godsend to me, and I want others to have the same experience that I had after I first posted "my story" over a year ago.

Admittedly, I may be taking a hiatus from the platform simply because it appears I have upset many people with my posts of that I have intended to be encouraging, yet somehow my efforts have backfired, and I have drawn some feedback that suggested I had offended them. This was not and will never be my intent. I just want others to see that there are many things going on in our lives which we have no control over, and it us up to ourselves to find the right way to deal with whatever is happening, presently. I too was as hopeless as many are right now, but I have been able to rise above the self absorbed or desperate attempt to find out what is wrong with me, because in my mind, I am fine just the way I am. Sick" Yes, but I am not dead yet, and I will not give up.

I am painfully sorry to those I have offended, as it was never my intent. I want so much for others who are suffering, I want them to feel what I feel now, even though I am still as sick as I was, or perhaps sicker, when I made my first post. I want others to have the experience that I have had. It makes me want to scream sometimes, like, "look at yourself, what can YOU do to make changes" or "What is it that makes you happy, and focus on that." "Keep trying, but at least take some responsibility, as I did, to get to a better place." I know it is not easy, especially now when one essentially has to go to the doctor and decide which questions are worth asking and which are not.

Thank you to anyone reading this. I mean no disrespect. I too have been hopeless to the point where I have recently given thought to starving myself to death. But I will not because I have someone in my life who needs me, and I can help this person, even if she cannot remember what fun we had last night, coming up with a name for her walker. We decided to call it "the ditch rider" because she recently told me a story about a horse she had as a kid who suddenly decided to become a "one man horse" and the horse was given to the "ditch rider," the fellow who would ride up and down the ditches on the farms to make sure they were clear etc. LOL. When she called me last night to ask if I had her keys, I said, "check with the ditch rider." LOL.