I remember this...when I was 14 I did a terrible thing that I thought would kill my mother if she ever found out, I revealed a secret she'd confided in me and spent about 2 years hiding, hating myself, being mean when everyone was stull thinking I was sweet, I felt evil. I decided evil was a good thing, I studied it...I didn't skip school, but used it: -- have you ever read Moby Dick by Melville? I read the unabridged version out loud to myself alone in my room, took ages, when I was 14. No one knew what I was doing or why. (Everyone else was skimming the abridged version.) But I was slowly reading aloud to myself the story of a man obsessed with killing a whale in the 1880s. Lots of people killed whales back then but this whale was white and the Captain, called Ahab, was obsessed with this whale. I loved that whale. But I sympathized with the captain. My teacher said things like the whale represented this or that, I don't remember, just that reading out loud helped me somehow get through the fear and loneliness. Find a book, this same book maybe, and try that. Maybe it will help a bit.

You are still yourself no matter what you do, your actions are you, whatever they may be, even though you hate yourself for them.

I loved my mother very much and miss her SO SO much but once I pushed her. Lost my temper and actually pushed her. She was shocked. That wasn't me.
(She was okay, thank goodness, physically.) (And it WAS me. )

Definitely keep us up to date about what you're doing and how you're feeling. What's that thing for a hug? I hated being touched back then, sometimes still do but feel like you need some kind of hug.