I just saw this and I can't believe I'm almost your age because honestly it sounds ancient. I can't believe it. And I'm terrified. I lost my 23 yo daughter in 2011 in a horrific tragic way that I tried to stop many times and succeeded. It literally destroyed me. I don't know how or why I'm alive. There's no point. I don't have one relative I don't have one friend, I'm totally alone. She needed me, I kept myself from doing normal things with other people, she just needed me. And now she's gone I have nothing in my life.

I tried travel. I've been to Europe five times since 2012, I've taken two long cruises, I learned to ride, I volunteered at church (I no longer believe in that god), I tried to be social. None of it worked.

I was in the ER yesterday, had abdominal pain, needed CT scan, they found diverticulitis (not complicated). I sat there and looked at the photographs of her that I carry in my bag and read the last Christmas card she gave me with a note on it about how much she loved me and how wonderful I am, and how she couldn't speak her feelings as she should. So I started to cry. It was the wrong time to do that, two nurses came in and saw me. I couldn't explain what was going on, I just said it has nothing to do with this (the CT scan, etc.), my emotional reserves are gone. That's true, they are. When the nurse put in the IV for the contrast dye he asked me if I wanted IV tylenol, I said no. But in my mind I formed the words "I want something that will just kill me." Of course I never said it out loud.

I had to leave the house I bought when I moved her and myself upstate. I couldn't stay in it. I moved into a community for over 62, that was 12 years ago. I have nothing in common with any of these people. I'm a single mother by choice, have a PhD in my field, owned two houses, traveled alot, speak three languages, grew up in GV NYC. This is a historic village upstate and these people are original to it, they've never been anywhere, they lived conventional lives. The women might as well be Martians, we have zero in common. And I can't listen to their stories about their adult kids and their grandkids, I just can't.

I want my own house again but the pandemic destroyed the RE market, houses are double or more the price so the house I have in the bank doesn't come close. I'm stuck here. I don't like it here. I'm going to die in this place all by myself one day. I never knew it was possible to be grieving non stop for 12 plus years, never realized how truly awful this old thing it and I'm in fairly good health so far, but how long can that last. Things are starting to happen. I'm never going into any home that's not happening, I'll lose my mind in a place like that. Sometimes I think it would be better to just stop, but I don't have the nerve.