in reply to @hbjuniperflat You are an amazing woman with a tremendous amount of courage, and I share your grief. Being a caregiver to my best friend is difficult enough, but I cannot imagine how it must have been for you to have a spouse with this horrible and unforgiving disease that only progresses and leaves one without any hope. My sister is going through the same thing with her husband to whom she has been married to for 53 years, and has finally decided to place him in a facility after the first of the year. I was watching a movie last night, in which a couple got married, and as the marriage vows were being said back and forth, I thought to myself, "wow, there are people in this world who really take those vows seriously" like you and my sister. I have never been married, so I cannot speak from personal experience, but I commend you for your dedication to your husband, your strength to do the right thing for him even if his demise has left you with an overwhelming sense of loss and grief. If things happen for a reason, he obviously chose you to be his wife because of who you are and what you did for him, even knowing that there was little hope of a recovery. I am deeply sorry for your loss and I wish I had just the right thing to say. However, your experience is so personal and perhaps even sacred, and only you will be able to navigate the path of time, and hopefully at some point you will be able to find some inner peace to be able to enjoy what sounds like a lovely place to be/live. Let the quietness surround you and the answers will come.
"Your heart knows the way, Run in that direction." Rumi