@neri47
Dottie,
Just take it in small bites. It helps to give yourself a break by stopping and listening to relaxing music that inspires you... music that you love, and as you listen, imagine that you can fly. The music I posted in this discussion is something I can get lost in. Remember to breathe slow and deep. When we get nervous, we start taking short constricted breaths. Remember that you are in a safe place now. Go ahead and write that down that you are safe now. This is how I broke the grip of fear when I was in extreme pain during a spinal injection; I saw myself flying above it all like an eagle, I breathed slowly and deeply, and I listened to music in my head. I regained control and didn't pass out during the most severe pain I had ever experienced which was a victory for sure. That was also breaking the pattern of not being able to control passing out from fear. It is progress in small steps.

One approach I can think of is to create an outline of the topics you will write about. If you avoid going into the details of your experience right now, you can avoid re-living some of the trauma, and set it aside knowing that you won't forget. It takes it off your plate for right now until you are ready to come back to it. What I saw for myself when I did this was the pattern of being marginalized and not comforted when I was afraid. I can't go back and change anything, and I do know that my experience gave me this heightened sense of awareness that I have in figuring out how to make these connections.

Remember, this is only for you. You do not need to show it to anyone else unless you chose to do that. I also used to shake when I was describing emotional and difficult events in my life that were traumatic. These fearful events are very personal.

Are you seeing a counselor? I did see a counselor prior to my spine surgery when I was working through my fears. I had really figured it all out on my own, and I wanted to know that I was on the right track. The panic attacks that I had daily for 4 months stopped immediately when I understood the connections that the fear of surgery had to the fears of my past and how I was lumping that all together because the fear is held in the brain's memory of where it keeps those stressful events. They really are not related to each other, but the emotional triggers are similar, and the brain is trying to be efficient by saving that information in the same place because it is meant to be information to alert you to escape danger.

I would also say that whatever happened in your past does not need to define you. You can reinvent yourself. It is that old fight or flight instinct that keeps surfacing, and you know a lot more about your life than an instinct that happens before you even think about it.

How about this? Can you find some pictures of wings that you like? Then go ahead and design your new wings. You can draw a picture of them. Maybe you'll have a few pairs in different colors and different styles for different functions, but they all will be beautiful.

Hugs,
Jennifer