Medical tests and surgery fear and anxiety.. the only fear I have is the making of mistakes that result in permanent damage while undergoing tests or procedures. That’s what gives me worry.
I’ve had procedures go wrong that resulted in significant bone infections, and surgery where I’ve woken up after an out of body experience ..with an almighty slam back into my body like I’d been dropped from a multi storey building flat onto concrete, and opened my eyes to the sheet over my face, in a dark area next to a bunch of empty beds..however I did wake up hehe 😉
I do remember standing beside the staff watching over their shoulders as they worked on my body quickly, seeming to be in a bit of a flap. I felt calm, just watching, listening to their fast conversation, which included how to report what happened to their senior admin.
Anyway, when I woke up, I must’ve screamed, because a nurse ran over and she kept repeating how ‘it wasn’t possible’, when I kept saying how painful it was and I felt like I’d lost time.
That was the longest period of being adrift; there were other surgeries where I checked out for a while, and it was the same serene, peaceful watching of them as they got slightly frantic till things were back in order.
So I kind of think as long as I don’t check out for as long as I did the time I woke up with the sheet over my face in the dark corner, then it’s pretty much business as usual.
However, I have been unlucky enough to have a bit of practice with 30 operations (not counting small ops/general anaesthesia for invasive tests or procedures, of which there have been many). I guess it also comes down to a roughish youth, where physical injury was par for the course (broken bones, concussions, blood in urine come to memory), and business as usual. I counted diary entries of concussion during one year, and extrapolated it, and a conservative measure on the amount of concussions was around 500 before the age of 12 (only counting me, not my siblings). Fear simply wasn’t an option, so I don’t really fear much (as a learned response), however I do have ptsd that can create some overly active memories when I’m reminded of some of the injuries I have sustained.
And I was hit by a speeding driver and my body was thrown into oncoming traffic when I was 28, so I do have trauma from the 14 year court case to prove I was not lying about what happened, while selling everything (house etc) to afford the surgeries after losing my job due to being unable to work (that’s Aussie systemic awesomeness, at its best). That system is what gave me anxiety.
And if I ever feel anxious to undergo a major op, I put it in context of what I would do to prevent harm to anyone I care about, what I would endure to keep them from pain, and that context - in light of some of the pain I have already experienced - I can endure anything. I know I haven’t hit my limit in terms of extreme pain, and after impacting oncoming vehicles with my body at speed, I know whatever any doc decides to do while I’m laying on a table isn’t going to come close 🙂
I’ve had my fingernail removed using pliers at hospital after an infection where my hand went black, and the doc needed to cut away the dead tissue underneath, after a crush injury, all while I sat and watched..there wasn’t anywhere decent to inject local into, so he just said clench your teeth and look away - my reply was I’m watching you, and you’d better make it quick or I’ll do it myself hehe, the bravado of youth (I was 16). I had bone growths on the side of my pelvis (the hands on hips area of bone), and couldn’t afford surgery, so the surgeon - at my request - jabbed a bit of local in and cut down to the bone and removed the growths while I held the little retractor that was clamped on my skin to hold it out the way, and while I held the swab and dabbed the bleeding with the other hand, as I laid there. And the other that comes to mind is the removal of a growth in my breast that was an inch by 3 inches, adhered laying deeply in against my ribs, that the surgeon removed in his rooms while I watched him and his nurse, looking casual with my arm up behind my head like any other day at the beach (that was somewhat uncomfortable in reality - I did not enjoy seeing that procedure as it was quite deep).
The drive home after these things is always tiring and I’m always glad to park my car and head to bed afterwards - once it’s done, I’ve driven home and can relax then all is well.